Author:Tanya Stewart, Esq.

You aren’t scared of hard work-you’re just addicted to it

When an Alpha encounters something not working or going according to her plan, she pushes harder. She works harder. She puts in more.

Relationship troubles? She’ll read MORE books, watch MORE seminars, try to have longer deeper conversations, spend even MORE time analyzing the crap out of the situation in her own head and with her girlfriends.

We have been wired by society and our families to believe the answer to any problem is to simply add more of the ingredient of work.

Pop quiz: is this working for anyone??

I didn’t think so (didn’t work for me…).

Please go back and review my earlier trainings on Resistance Series #1, Resistance Series #2, Resistance Series #3, and Resistance Series #4. 

They will tell you about how resistance (Which is another word for hard work) is often a signal that you’re going to wrong way or picked the wrong thing. 

Why is this true? Let’s follow these truths statements and come to their logical conclusion.

Truth: your purpose is blessed and assisted by God.

Truth: God/The Universe wants your joy and your success and therefore WANT your purpose to work. (Easier translation-God does not want something and then thwart the doing of it.)

Truth: if God wants you to succeed and God is love, God would not test or thwart your purpose by making it unnecessarily hard.

Conclusion: you have free will, and if your Path is unnecessarily hard, it is because you have chosen the unnecessarily hard path.

So what I’m telling you, is when you’re working really hard on something and struggling with it, question it. Question whether you’re going the right way. You should consider hard work, especially sustained hard work, to be per se suspicious.

What You Value, You Ask For

In order to break yourself of the habit of hard work, you’ll have to stop valuing it as highly as you do.

You actually measure a lot of your achievements by how HARD they were to get-not by the achievement itself.

What does that say about a miracle? What does that say when someone just gives you something out of the kindness of their heart? 

Those things actually don’t get valued the same way by you, because they didn’t come with all of that valiant struggle. When a good man loves you without struggle, what do you do??

You have to stop praising valiant struggle.

You have to stop looking back in your life and giving yourself so much credit for the mountain that you climbed, uphill, both ways in the snow. Rather, you might want to ask, if you looked around to see if a helicopter was available.

What you praise, you attract.

What you praise, you prefer.

What you praise, you demand.

Be very careful that you’re praising unnecessary hard work.

Today I was doing some hard work, because I found a mess that kept expanding and I had to fix it and I didn’t want to. I was struggling.

And I viewed it as suspicious. The real reason I was struggling is because of my unspoken feelings about how I was placed in that situation-not the work.

In the past, I simply would’ve pulled on my “I’m a bad ass hat” and dug in. In my current life, I had to stop and question how I had attracted this situation and what I needed to do to NOT get it again.

My hard work was suspicious!

I saw my lesson and I know the project will get Magically easier now.

My lesson was to speak my discomfort knowing it would hurt another. (Always taking punches for weaker folks does not make them stronger.) Done. 

In Joy,

Try This Switch For a Week

Become a MASTER RECEIVER. Instead of running around trying to give to everybody, do something crazy. Run around and be available to be an next level receiver. 

If you do this here’s what will happen:

1. Your head will try to make you feel guilty, tell it your Coach told you to do it

2. You will be awkward and keep forgetting your role to ALLOW IN

3. Others will feel lifted, loved and deeply SEEN by you, who received from them

This is why feminine women get the marriage proposals ladies. They know how to receive.

A man does NOT fall in love with what YOU do FOR him. He falls in love with who HE BECOMES WHILE HE DOES FOR YOU.

Hashtag EPIC. Re-read that out loud. It applies to everybody.

I’ve mentioned this before, you need to become a better receiver.

Read more on Receiving HERE and right HERE.

Giving Gives Control, Which Alphas LOVE

Here is the part that should scare the LuLu Lemons (high end leggings) off you:

God GIVES. Are you good at receiving?

Hint: If you can’t take a compliment, ask for help or be corrected, that’s a NO.

That means you are MISSING out on your good. Your ship is sailing without you Alpha because you want to “pay your own way.”

Stop it (my two favorite coaching words).

Stop being so concerned with what you are DOING (giving is often an action managed by the head/ego) and get concerned with what you are ALLOWING to flow in to you. 

If you are like most Alphas, you’re pissed because your outflow is always larger than your in flow. THAT’S YOUR FAULT.

You will need to practice receiving. You won’t even see most of the opportunities around you to receive yet, but begin anyway.

Receiving requires you to trust the giver, trust you’ll get and get enough.

Things you are weak in. Get stronger. Stop being a Master Giver and become a Master Receiver. 

In Joy,

3 Big Problems With “Earning” Trust

There are three main problems with trust being earned, rather than given:

#1 – Your Doubt Taints Your Expectations

#2 – Everybody Hates a Test

#3 – Our Brains are Designed to Prove us Right, Not Happy

Number 1 – Your Doubt Taints Your expectations 

You stay focused on the “wrong” as you compare their current performance to the original transgression. That means you keep thoughts of the transgression active in your attention and energy. Guess what that attracts? Law is like to like.

Expectations create your world and this focus makes you expect the worst.

Number 2 – Everybody Hates a Test

Resentment fuels their ego and makes it HARDER to do what you want. Their focus is the frustration of not being believed that they’ve changed. Frustration is negative energy and does NOT SUPPORT KEEPING THEM IN THEIR NEW, POSITIVE CHANGE. Get it?

Number 3 – Our Brains are Designed to Prove Us Right, Not Happy

That means that your head will be MORE alert to signs that the trust is being breached again to keep you “safe” v.s. spotting evidence that things are going well this time. It will search for, magnify and insist on finding evidence that our current theory (that they are an untrustworthy ass) is still true. This is called Confirmation Bias.

If being right is what your subconscious wants, it will MAKE it happen.

Tanya, What Do I Do?

Easy. Trust them or don’t. Do not engage in probation periods that will trigger all 3 of the above and make it MORE likely you’ll be hurt again.

After spending more than 2 decades around high-conflict divorce, I’ve seen too many couples do infidelity wrong. (And yes, it was more often the man doing the physical cheating and the woman doing “emotional” cheating.)

If you want the relationship to work, decide you want it and trust him from this moment forward. That reduces the doubts which tamper with expectations that create your reality. It takes away the resentment of the fallen. And it stops you from becoming the woman who can’t let her man run to the store to grab milk without timing him (yes, that happened).

If you are wrong, you’ll be wrong and you’ll be hurt- but your being able to say you thought it wouldn’t work all along should NOT be the comfort you seek.

Bonus: Giving trust (or not) lightens your energetic load. Decide Alphas. Important decisions, long deferred, lead to overwhelm.

When you half-trust (that is what you do when someone is “earning” it), you don’t forgive AT ALL, so you still carry the pain.  When you half-trust, you CANNOT FEEL loved. Love is not FELT in the absence of trust, not even Mother’s love (sorry Alphas). 

Love as its deepest is safety and surrender. Neither of these can you do while half-trusting. And loving where you know you are not safe is self-destructive. So long as you cannot give full trust, you cannot feel FULL love. Hey, GUESS WHO YOU’LL BLAME FOR NO LONGER FEELING LOVED?? Earning trust is a trap.

It is not the fault of the person who wounded you, it is YOU giving a half measure and blocking yourself from being able to FEEL a full measure, if it’s there. 

You want a shot at feeling the full love? Give full love (full trust).

In Joy,

Ready Isn’t Feeling-It’s a Decision.

I’m going to repeat that because it’s the most important thing someone has told you in a very long time. Ready is a decision. 

There are many people who do not want to hire a coach because they believe “I already know what I need to do.“

And yes, that’s often true. You know.

What is also often true, is that you cannot make yourself do what you already KNOW you must do.

The excuse is: “I’m just waiting to be ready…“

Scroll up. Ready isn’t a feeling, it’s a DECISION. An action, not a mood. 

Why are you not further along, brilliant Alpha? Because a deep part of you is waiting for someone/thing outside of you to GIVE you the feeling/impression/momentum or motivation to do what you already know you need to do.

That you must choose readiness before you “feel ready” is the critical counter-intuitive understanding to have anything new begin in your life. New means change. Change feels uncomfortable. Discomfort keepsyou NOT ready.

Nike Had It Right – Just DO It

I wish I had a magic formula, but sometimes it is really just gut-check time.You simply have to make your self begin what must be done.

There is an advantage to being able to “manually override“ your disinclination to do something. Your ego learns that IT CANNOT STOP YOU FROM STARTING.

Check out this post I wrote years ago about things that SHOULD be comfortable Comfort is My New Curse Word and things that shouldn’t be comfortable.

I concluded that only jeans and sports bras SHOULD be comfortable and new things are never comfortable – especially big firsts like driving a car, having sex or using a tampon. 🙂

Your key take away from this training? Stop expecting readiness to just “happen” and feel comfortable. This is why necessity is the mother of invention. Because people needed something done and couldn’t keep waiting to “feel ready.” They DECIDED to make themselves ready.

When you hear me say Get Ready – it means =

                                   Decide to be ready and then act.

Note for Advanced Readers: Deciding to be ready means aligning your heart before your mind. The proper order is heart first, mind (foot soldier) second, and then thoughts, words and actions FLOW. Make sense?

So… Alpha… Get Ready! The things you MOST need to know in life ARE counter-intuitive. That’s why you haven’t been doing them!

I’m going to teach you three more… CHOOSE TO BE READY!

In Joy,

Honeymoon at Bali, Indonesia

I travelled to Bali, where we de-stressed and relaxed. We went through a sacred water cleansing ritual and saw a real shaman (she is powerful!). 

We told more truths to each other and drew even closer. We met a coach who is a hero of mine that lives in Bali.

All was divinely organized. In fact, I counted at least 10 miracles, including my intuition to fly out Saturday the 25th EARLY instead of Sunday. (Bali had a volcano erupt as we were leaving, closing the airport after us!)

Want to share some of my joy? Watch the 2:25 video below. 

AND My long term Assistant Alexis gave birth to her second child, a happy baby boy, Riley! He is a smiler. 

In Joy,

F.R.O.G. -> P.R.I.N.C.E. is Seed -> Flower

Did you ever grow a flower? Good. Then you’ll get this. YOU don’t force it from SEED to SUNFLOWER. You fertilize, water and weed. That is IT.

First, a quick list of things NOT to do. 

1) You don’t get to “build” the seed. Dandelions seeds will NEVER become roses.  Pick better at the start.

2) You don’t get to directly control the speed your plant grows. Dig up a seed to “correct” it and let me know how that works for you!  You may not get a Prince in YOUR time frame.

3) You don’t get to force the bloom color. Ok, there are master gardeners (forceful Alphas) who can. I am a 21+ year divorce lawyer. Trust me. You don’t want to force a man to become what he isn’t. 

What CAN I Do to Help My F.R.O.G.?

#1 Fertilize – Create a Great P.R.I.N.C.E. Environment

A great P.R.I.N.C.E. environment is a great Princess. Period. Best “you” that you can. Go do that now.

#2 Water – Love Your Frog without Seeing the Prince (Bloom) Yet

Talked about this last week. If you need your manifestations to already BE here before you believe, you’re screwed.

Creators decide, believe and release BEFORE evidence arrives.

Anything else is conditional love and cloudy water for your seed.

#3 Weed – Remove the Fearful Thoughts that Stop You From Doing Your Work Independent of Outcomes

This is your task. Will you choose to be happy or be right? (It took me a bit truthfully!) Can you surface all your junk for removal (weeding!) so you just show up and water (love) freely?

If you Fertilize, Water & Weed the Seed you have, you’ll get amazing results even if this F.R.O.G. ISN’T a P.R.I.N.C.E.

(or tougher yet, YOUR Prince). 

This is all about love and surrender ladies. Why? Because when you get him, guess what two skill sets you’ll most need? Love and surrender. 

Happy Frogging! 

Remember a P.R.I.N.C.E. is a

Perfect Relationship or Investment Not Common Everywhere

but YOU are Looking for a F.R.O.G.

Frightening & Real Opportunity to Grow Guy

In Joy,

P.R.I.N.C.E.s are M.A.D.E. NOT B.O.R.N.

(Being Open, Resisting Nothing)

You are NOT looking for a man in his final, non-resistant, open to love state!

You are looking for a man DURING the process of his evolution.Everyone (and the Hallmark channel) has it wrong!

Are there men who are done? Yes, they are dead. Not kidding. When you are done, you go. Are there men who have evolved to the white knight and charger, gold braided epaulets visible state? Yes! They are the not commonly occurring, never going on sale men.

Let me remind you that even IF YOU’VE hit your evolved Princess state, that DOES not mean you don’t still NEED a F.R.O.G!

Your work is you. The better your ‘you’, the better your END GAME P.R.I.N.C.E.

Your ‘right now’ may still be a challenging mate that scares you (Frightening & Real Opportunity to Grow), because THAT is what you need to force your heart open another level.

A True Tale of My  F.R.O.G.  P.R.I.N.C.E.

I’m in my Happily Ever After. And no two are the same. My soulmate is the BEST vehicle to deliver my deepest lessons. Why? Because I am the MOST invested in our happiness of anything in my life.

When I met my mate, I knew he was mine. He was NOT is the state I was looking for. He was NOT in the state he is NOW. My closest friends wondered a bit but they trusted me. I wondered a bit more but I trusted GOD.

My P.R.I.N.C.E. was in a state of extremes. Too much work, too much drinking, too little exercise and too little sleep. I could see we would be balancing each other.

The skill my F.R.O.G. P.R.I.N.C.E. gave me was the ability to love myself and fill myself up WHILE disregarding gaps in what he could give. THAT is counterintuitive!

Alphas learn in the beginning of our lives to give TOO much. Then we armor up. We get into the “he’d better be what I need, he’d better love me my way, he’d better have all his shit together…” mode in our late 30-60s+.

The evolution past that brittle place returns you to your origins butwithout the fear. In the beginning you gave too much out of FEAR you’d get abandoned. On the far side of the bell curve, you can give BEFORE YOU GET, out of your love and abundance.

I had ENOUGH LOVE to carry me over rough bits where old me would have hit BAIL. I did not hit BAIL and am now in BALI. (Love the symmetry on that!)

Every since I hit this lesson, I am seeing it in my Alphas. You will hit a moment where your job is to keep your OWN love tank full while your mate hits his lessons with his ego. He does NOT have me coaching him!

Your F.R.O.G. will screw things up. He will step in it. He will withdraw, run or speak harshly. Your course is to stand still, love him and continue to do YOUR lessons without bailing or winge-ing (Ozzie phrase for complaining – to winge) that HE ISN’T DOING HIS WORK WELL ENOUGH.

Your long dark teatime with your soul may be short, it may be long. You may get two! I did. Whatever it is, it’s YOURS to do.

On the other side, you both move closer to your P.R.I.N.C.E.

P.R.I.N.C.E.s are M.A.D.E. NOT B.O.R.N.

So are Princesses! Be willing to stand and do your work. Be willing to love where love is needed but not necessarily earned.Remember, trust is given not earned.

When your F.R.O.G. feels real love, unconditional love, love that he doesn’t deserve, it will crack his heart open and he will begin to believe that HE is worthy of love. You cannot explain worthiness with words, it must be believed to be experienced.

This is the love of a mother for a child in trouble, minus the correction.

P.R.I.N.C.E.s start as F.R.O.G.s because we ALL start there. We grow together. Kiss your F.R.O.G.S. ladies because you appreciate and love them where they are and then they’ll choose to grow and take the scary path to Princehood.

Princes are valiant in fairytales and that heroism is always tested. He will have to do the scariest thing on earth, entrust his previously damaged heart to you.

Show him how it’s done and love him first without guarantee of reward. Kiss him even though he could just be a frog and trust your Universe to evolve YOU Alpha.

In Joy,

There is NO WHERE! 

Your Prince is nowhere to be found. 

You have to make YOURSELF findable. If you ONLY get that and aren’t MAD about it, you can stop reading as you are all good. 

Catch up here with last week’s blog – Frogs vs. Princes Chapter 1 of 4

Remember a P.R.I.N.C.E. is a

Perfect Relationship or Investment Not Common Everywhere

Know WHO You Want

“Oh the Joys Problems of Looking!”

“Tanya, are you staying I should STOP looking?!?”

YES.

“Ok (Not ok.) How will I find him?”

When the Princess is ready, the P.R.I.N.C.E. appears.

Parable time: When the student is ready the teacher appears. An ancient saying that has survived because of its truth.

When the Princess is ready, the P.R.I.N.C.E. appears.

Here is what you get if you keep looking (hunting) your fantastic opportunity:

1) When you are looking for something, it is because you do not have it right now. That’s your energy and your point of attraction and focus are on the “not having it “more than the having it. That tends to make it not appear.

2) When you’ve been looking for something for a very long time, you get stressed and anxious and discouraged. Sometimes you can get angry and bitter resentful and jealous. None of these is an attractive energy to get what you really want. And in fact, repels opportunities that come anywhere near you.

3) When you are looking for something, it presupposes that you are already “qualified quote to receive whatever it is you’re looking for!This is usually not the case. We are usually looking for something that is “ahead“ of us. And hoping that this magical situation improves us. Please remember that Cinderella was not improved as a person, they just changed her clothes and her shoes! She was ALREADY more of a princess than any of the other women around.

4) When you’re looking for something you, have a strong bias toward what HE (or it) should look like. Meaning, if the Universe wants to send you your prince in his current frog version, you WILL miss him.

Not Searching is TRUST

Everyone wants a prince and nobody wants a frog. But now you understand that relationships are meant to grow you both. That means you’re both changed together. And most of the situations I have personally experienced, including my own, the prince didn’t look like a prince right from the start.

That meant, if you’re looking you won’t spot him. If you permit yourself to be found and then trust your intuition… Now that could be the start of a happily ever after.

For this week, focus on you. Lose the weight you want to lose. Fix the credit you want to fix. Write the book you want to write. Get over the X you haven’t gotten over. Whatever it is that you keep telling yourself that you need to get done-do. That. Now.

Make yourself into a ready princess. Remember my teaching about the coming purse ready? That’s what this is. Make yourself purse ready so that when your frog who will become your prince finds you, you have less to do and can roll with something a little scary more easily.

In Joy,