[Tool] Want My Favorite 2 Coaching Words?


Want My Favorite 2 Coaching Words?

I’m going to share a tool so simple you WILL laugh out loud. Ready?

2 powerful coaching words. Stop it.


At what point did you START accepting that your mind could make choices that YOU could not countermand, override, or say no to?


I listen to people tell me a story about some painful, fear based thing they’re doing and I cannot help but interrupt (I’ve said this to 4 different people this week alone) and say… Stop it.  And I can feel them staring at me (through the phone) like a crazy person.


Please take a moment to consider, when did the idea of being unable to completely control YOUR OWN BEHAVIOR become normal and acceptable to you?


Oddly enough, we tell children to “stop it” all the time and fully expect them to be able to do so.

Kids running through the house? Stop it. Kids fidgeting in the car? Stop it. We’ll even tell children who are crying about something…Stop it. Children get told to “stop it” so much that believe they can, so, they CAN.

Somewhere in grade school that expectation fades. And it’s long gone by high school!


Because EVERYBODY tells me, I can’t look at myself and tell myself to just “stop” doing something…and then stop.


This is about your expectations (read more about expectations here). You aren’t expecting to be able to control yourself, you are only “hoping” that you can.  You’re thinking right now, fudge, when I tell myself to stop, I don’t really listen to me. (That’s not okay.)


Your mind is working much like a dog that knows you will call it seven times, so it doesn’t even think of obeying and coming that first time!


You have created the bad habit of expecting to be unable to stop yourself from doing something harmful.
It is just a habit. You can break it.  How? Start small. DO not start with your hardest thing. In fact, I recommend cheating. Pick something you can control yourself on and use your Stop It.
So, if you aren’t addicted to chips, next time you have them, just announce Stop It, get up and put them away. Practice.

You can build a new habit by doing the skill you need in easier areas and later transferring it.


You should be able to consciously decide to stop doing something and stop doing it.


Whenever you can’t, the issue is patterned or programmed into your subconscious and is overriding you.


That program can always be overwritten when you know how.


If you are done feeling crazy because you can’t “Stop It”, let me know. I can help. I can show you how to STOP IT.



P.S.  Did you see my new Magazine? It came out Wednesday. Fearless Focus Inbox Magazine. It will be a DEEP DIVE into a single topic. It will be best read on a computer or tablet. If you need to read it on your phone, turn it sideways. And it won’t be short.




I am really teaching you and changing your life takes time and investment. If you will invest the time each Wednesday, I’ll keep investing the energy. Write me and suggest a topic, I might just solve something for you!

[New!] Check out Tanya’s Fearless Focus Magazine :-)




Effort is the NEW Problem


We always tell people to try harder but we never have them look at and wonder WHY it’s not working.


We teach children to try hard and give them an “A” for effort – what if that’s backwards? What if we have it ALL wrong? Wouldn’t THAT start explaining more of what we see in our lives?


So to be clear – “Effort” are actions you do through gritted teeth. Like making an “effort “to be nice to the person who is always super snarky to you.


To understand Effort and the role it’s playing in your life…


Read on…



Lao Tzu

Those who flow as life flows know they need no other force.








So, we are gonna talk about effort and why it is NOT good for you.

  1. Where there is effort there MUST be resistance.
  2. The principle behind effort is that you PUSH to overcome resistance.
  3. At the highest level, we are guided and protected by GRACE not by merit.
  4. The Universe can use difficulty and blocks as directionals – like DO NOT ENTER signs.
  5. The word effort is used WAY more in the negative than the positive.
  6. It’s synonym is struggle or striving.
  7. In my world it is the OPPOSITE of FLOW.
  8. It always means your objective is unclear, undesired or unmotivating.


1) Where there is Effort there must be resistance.


If you’ve been a spiritual student for any time at all you have come across the very famous (and very true) “that-what you resist persists.”


Most of my students dislike that phrase in the beginning – because it assigns YOU responsibility for your own continued pain. We do not want to own we are attracting more of what we don’t want with our complaining, talking and posting about it.


If you go to straight physics (I was originally a physics major!) -> no friction, no resistance.


So if you have to “effort” something it is because there is friction and where there is friction there is resistance.


The only reason something feels like an effort to do is because you DON’T want to do it!


2) The principle behind effort is that you push to overcome resistance.


When we agree that somebody needs to “put in more effort “what we’re really saying is they need to force their way through the resistance.


Take a second with that. Let it land… Do you see it now?


Good effort means pushing harder.  Spiritual law tells you that pushing harder means you’ll get even more resistance and more of what you don’t want.


3) At the highest level we are guided and protected by grace, not by merit.


The Bible says man cannot earn anything – our good is given to us by Grace. The famous starting section of the Bible, Genesis, talks about when Adam and Eve got expelled from the Garden of Eden. The consequence of being cast out was that man was doomed to “earn his bread by the sweat of his brow.”


Sound like effort? Effort in this metaphor is a punishment!


And the highest spiritual teachings always say the same thing – that we already have what we need and that any struggle or difficulty we see is created by our own fears (ego).


The Course in Miracles for instance teaches struggle is an illusion.


Effort says – do a good enough job and you can “earn” something. Effort presupposes that we start in a natural state of lack. Ummm. Nope.


(you can just see me rolling my eyes at this point!)


4) The Universe can use difficulty and roadblocks as directionals, like Do Not Enter signs.


Most people have never given a thought to the idea that the reason something is extraordinarily hard is because you are either A) pursuing the wrong thing or B) pursuing it in the wrong way.


What if those distractions and challenges are really just the Universe saying Do Not Enter here?


This is true for my life now. In your journey, it may be very difficult to discern between a friendly roadblock from the Universe, something your ego is doing or just plain old lack of commitment.  Ask a coach to teach you discernment.


Here’s a little example:


I was up late working, near midnight and the TV was on a channel I don’t often watch (my TV lives on HGTV the home renovation station).


A horror movie came on. It was that Hillary Swank horror movie The Seventh Sign, an old one.


I used to love horror movies! I watched them all the time. Not anymore. An energy thing. But, I thought since I’ve seen this before I‘ll just let it play. And I did.


I kept working and it ended (spoiler alert: evil was vanquished for the time being).


The next movie coming on was….another horror movie.  I haven’t seen it and so I foolishly think… Hey why not?


THAT is when my cable crashed. It just STOPPED working. So I stop working and went into FULL EFFORT to fix it. I did everything that you’d do.


On off, fiddle with the buttons and wires.

This effort continued for several minutes before very clear intuitive thought hit me.


I really had no business watching the first horror movie-and I was about to seriously compound that error by watching the second horror movie at 1:30 in the morning, right before bed…


I was being blocked. Once I realized this, I stopped putting forth effort to “fix” the cable. I shut it off and left it off for a moment. Called a grateful “My Bad” and “Thank You” to my soul.


A few minutes later I hit the power button everything came back on – on a different channel.


How often are you in a situation where you’re being blocked and your answer is just to keeping pushing, keep exerting greater and greater effort INSTEAD OF considering whether your direction was good for you in the first place?


5) The word effort is used way more in the negative and the positive.


If you think about it when you hear the word effort – it is either a complaint that somebody didn’t do enough – or in complaint that something didn’t work even though a lot of work (Pushing) was done.


“If she would’ve put forth a little more effort she could’ve played so much better in that game.”




“Every effort had been made to ensure airport security before the bombing.”


if you’re honest, even when we tell someone (usually children) that you made a “really good effort” – doesn’t that feel kind of flat? Weak?



“Good effort” is never said to people who win.



6) It is a synonym for struggle or striving.


If you want to know the nature of something look at what is considered synonymous to it. The word effort feels heavy to us energetically. It really does feel like a struggle.


If someone asks you how your relationship is going and your answer is “he’s really putting forth an effort now…” You know it hasn’t been going well. 


If you are thinking you just need to buckle down and put forth MORE effort to get to your better life – I have news for you… You’re not gonna like it… because mostly… that doesn’t work.


You’re setting it up so that you have to struggle against something in order to attain a positive outcome.


Spiritually, the Universe will not support that plan. Secondarily, you cannot maintain the motivation -because it’s too much damn work.


7) In my world effort is the opposite of flow.


I’ll tell you right now that my two stellar words are Ease and Flow. Effort is the opposite of both of them actually.


When I identify that something has become an effort for me – I stop. And instead of pushing harder, I ask myself where is the resistance in this situation? What am I fighting against?


Flow is just like it sounds. Hell, say the word flow right now. It’s easier to say the word ‘flow’ than it is to say the word ‘effort’. It even takes effort to say the word effort! Flow effort.


8) It always means your objective is unclear, undesired or unmotivating.


If you’re in a place of efforting, somethings off. You either don’t know why you’re doing what you’re doing or you don’t want the outcome enough or you haven’t connected up this next step to the overall vision.


Example? In broken relationships where no one is clear about staying, going or what they want – LOTS of effort is required.




This was the First Issue of Fearless Focus Inbox Magazine. If you liked it, hit reply and send me some love and watch for it every Wednesday.


I have done the work on my mindset so I don’t view it as an “effort” to create this deep dive content for you!


On a phone, read it sideways 🙂


Tanya Recommends:



My favorite Free App that plays sleep music, zen sounds, white noise for mediation, sleep and NOT EFFORTING.  😉




I make Hypnosis tracks with these sounds.




It is available on iPhone, Android and for PC I think too. Check your App Stores or visit


Relax Melodies HD




My good deed was rewarded because in referring this to you I just discovered an Oriental Melodies version now! (Playing as I type). It’s FREE too! 



Tanya’s Teaching: When you feel yourself efforting, stop and ask WHY.


Where is the friction? Is it coming from you – which you can control – or someone else?


Do you WANT to do the task? Do you WANT the outcome? Enough to be uncomfortable and stay committed?


Just the actions of examining your motives and looking to see – is this the right direction and is the the easiest way – will help you reduce those feelings of effort & get in flow.






The Universe talks to us through our problems because we PAY attention to those!


Assume that your need to effort around a block or friction is God trying to tell you something.


Ask what it is and LISTEN. Bless your Blocks and then get help to move them.





Wow Did You Hear?




Linda in California Says:


She sent me the awesome pic above with instructions to listen to her audio. (typed below)


“Hello Tanya, Wow! What  a treasure you are. I’ve Read (the book you sent me) and am doing my part, at least some – going forward.  And I so, so appreciate all of your support.


The journey is convoluted I will admit, but it is definitely on a track of faith. And I thank you again for all your wonderful kindness and look forward to the very best to come.


Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

BE YOU TIFUL YOU. Signing off, Linda.”

Talk to Tanya


Spread the Word!

If Fearless Focus Magazine made a difference for

YOU, would you share this on your Facebook page?


[New!] Check out Tanya’s Fearless Focus Magazine 🙂Facebook Twitter LinkedIn


Talk to Tanya


My Mission:

I Show Alpha Women Entrepreneurs How to Stop


in Your Relationships, Own Your Potential, Build Your

Business and BALANCE IT ALL.

[Self-Love] What You Can Learn from a Spatula…

What You Can Learn from a Spatula…

Yes. This post is about spatulas. 3 of them to be precise. I have (or had) 3.
The question is HOW does that happen? Ok. The literal answer is divorce, moving, can’t find one…etc.
The REAL question is where in your life are you permitting a bunch of “ok” instead of one “AWESOME”?
Of the 3 I had, I religiously used only ONE. My favorite.

Beaten, bendy and slightly melted, it was the only one I ever reached for.

And I had to reach AROUND the other 2 to get it every time. (Clutter!)
Thankfully, as it often will, the Universe intervened and MELTED my favorite spatula to a brand new cooper pan. (My fancy non-stick pan ATE my spatula.) That is another story!
And I am sad to report that I definitely ate some melted plastic in those protein pancakes…sigh. (What? Like you’d have thrown out a whole batch of warm pancakes? THOSE were quality!)
Off I go and buy another spatula – a nicer one. (Finally.) As I reached to toss out the 2 cast offs, my head mumbled something about “being wasteful.”

It is NOT wasteful to release what no longer serves you, even if IT STILL HAS — USE OR VALUE.

Quality vs. Quantity

I want you to look inside your life for this today. Where you do have multiples that fall into the ‘average to crappy’ category instead of having ONE GREAT ONE or a few really nice ones.

Once you find the thing (try dish towels, underwear, pjs, measuring cups, measuring spoons, hangers, pillows, bath towels, remote controls to start…) – notice how hard it is for you to release it or throw it away!

You must. You are not only making room, which creates a vacuum for the Universe to fill, you are reinforcing your higher self-worth.

I did a little dance (ok, maybe a medium sized dance) on my lovely Persian rug in my kitchen after I let those PERFECTLY USABLE items hit the trash.

I am worthy of a great spatula! You are too. If you subconsciously don’t see yourself as worthy of a great spatula, how can a great job, great mate, great house or even a great Saturday find you?!? It all counts.

Once you find the thing (and you will if you look!) get brave, toss it and then ask where you are also doing the same thing with:​

Work (keeping worn out things around you while you try to make MONEY is a bad idea!),
Friendships (4 acquaintances instead of one “ride or die” bestie),
Health (lots of cheaper “faux” health foods instead of a few organics or high quality supplements)
Shoes (buying for the “sale” instead of for the foot’s comfort and long term support)
Down time (watching 468 hours of marginal tv instead of locating what you really WANT to see).

I want you to throw away SOMETHING in your house that is about quantity and go for the quality.

Need help spotting what in your life is just ‘quantity’?

(It gets sticky when it’s a friendship, job or man on your couch.) How do you figure out how to get and keep the quality? Hit reply and ask me how!

In Joy,

P.S. Let me know what you are tossing out!

I just took a car load of stuff to a local consignment shop – what a wonder to have it gone immediately!
Duplicate high value rugs, multiple brand new, in box decorative wall ledges, tons of pillows. All things I have other nicer versions of!
Now someone else can find them and marvel at the fabulous deal they got and feel glad I released it!

[FOCUS] So, Who ARE You STILL Mad At?

So, Who Are YOU STILL Mad At?

The old joke is you go to a therapist and the first thing they say is…”Tell me about your mother.”

After years of coaching, this joke isn’t quite as funny anymore. I really COULD start any coaching conversation with “Tell me who you hate…who are you mad at?”

Who can’t you FORGIVE? Who has taken something from you that you think God cannot restore?


This week two of my clients hit a block while reaching out for their purpose (only my FAVORITE thing!). The block is a wound they wouldn’t LET heal.

When you choose to stay mad it keeps the wound open and throbbing. It literally can’t heal because you keep giving your attention to YOUR WOUND. The energy feeds it.


Let’s get these off the table right away:

1) they WERE wrong
2) they DID hurt you and
3) they DIDN’T apologize (or least not well enough).

So, why should you forgive them?

Forgiveness is NOT ABOUT THEM.I teach it is 80% about YOU, 20% them.

So here is the new and shocking thought you need to know – the horrible sick or angry feeling that “this person” causes in you is NOT FROM THEM. It is the feeling you are getting from splitting yourself in two.

NEWSFLASH: Your inner being, higher self or soul (pick one) is NOT pissed off at your mother!

Your soul was there when you PICKED HER for your life’s lessons, your very curriculum down here REQUIRED HER TO BE: lazy, crazy, mean, incompetent, selfish, drunk, bossy etc.
Do you know how crazy your soul must think you are? Much like a child who asks for a food, demands IT and then won’t eat it?
Your soul loves whoever “hurt” you (yes, that IS truly annoying sometimes), it understands why they did that “crazy” thing and understands how you will BENEFIT from the “betrayal” IF and WHEN you let yourself.

But You? You are pissed.

THAT disconnect drives the majority of your negative feelings. You are disappointing YOURSELF with your dis-alignment.

Taking yourself out of alignment with inner truth blocks your ability to receive your PURPOSE (and all the other good stuff too…).


So here is my big secret to forgiveness: As you are not Budda or another enlightened avatar, it will likely take you MORE than ONE attempt to forgive. We often “decide” to forgive and then get frustrated when we discover 2 weeks later we are angry all over again.



Forgiveness is like scooping frozen ice cream.

When scooping frozen ice cream, the very top may come out easily and then…it gets….HARD.
If you let it sit and wait awhile (timing is everything), then you can get a little more. So too with forgiveness.


Forgive what you can do NOW. Don’t judge yourself if you cannot do it ALL in one scoop.


​Check back regularly until you find that the person or event does not trigger you.


I have had a man try to kill me and forgiven it (it is actually one of my funniest stories now – seriously!).


That means I have completely released it and taken in the lesson and bless that day as making me the woman & coach I am now. I have spoken to hundreds of abused women and seeing my triumph helped them break their cycle.


If you are struggling with something that feels unforgivable but you WANT to move on, take back your life AND your power, click here to talk to me.


I can help you turn your tragedy into your transformation.
Can you imagine being able to tell “the” story and laugh?

In Joy,


P.S. I briefly dated a guy who had a seemingly “unhealable” problem with 4 painful vertebrae. Ok. Ask me how many family members had hurt him, tried to steal his inheritance and stolen money from him? Ummm. FOUR (Including Mom). His answer on forgiveness was unfortunately… HELL NO.

[FOCUS] Why Work Life Balance DOESN’T Exist…(and Shouldn’t)

Why Work Life Balance Doesn’t Exist…(and shouldn’t)


Work life balance isn’t a REAL thing.
Despite what 100 gurus will tell you as they attempt to sell you their work life balance programs and meditations.


Want to know why?


Because balance – as we commonly understand It – does NOT exist.

I looked up the definition of balance: To bring or keep in equilibrium. Or to hold something “steady”. 
Everything in the universe is in flux. Everything in the universe is constantly changing. Nothing anywhere is made to “hold steady”.
Balance is NOT a place of no motion that you strive reach and are then DONE.

This expectation is the cause of a lot of unnecessary suffering. For instance, if you’ve been married a long time you know that the love in a marriage doesn’t hold steady. That is a myth!


It goes up and down over time. The couples that survive go with that flow and course correct when they need to. Couples that fail, freak out the minute it gets “unsteady” and start pushing buttons.


Our definition of balance is completely out of whack with the way our world actually works.


Balance is in motion, it is dynamic and fluid and requires constant ever-changing actions and reactions from you.
I recently gave client the image of juggling. Juggling is a lot better physical representation for your work life “balance “.


There’s a Work ball, Family ball, Money ball and your Purpose ball (if you are there yet). You pay attention to one ball at a time.

As you pay attention to that one ball, the other balls are dropping. Then you switch your focus to the next ball and lift it up and let the other balls drop.
In the beginning, balls WILL hit the floor – but as you get better at juggling, you keep them in the air longer and longer.
You grow relaxed while you are doing it and you don’t worry so much if one goes a little higher or one falls a little lower because your object is just to keep them in motion – that is the balance.
Want the truth the experts WON’T tell you? While any mega mogul is at home having fun with her children, things ARE going wrong in her company.
When she goes back to work her children MISS her.
When she’s taking care of her health putting in her time at the gym – she LOSES time with her friends and her mate wants her home.

But she does NOT focus on the balls that are going down – she focuses on the ball that she is LIFTING. She knows the other balls are going down and trusts herself to get back to them before anything hits the floor.



Juggling is Balance

The problem is when ONE ball wants your continual focus.
So the big dirty secret – is that there is no work life balance – there is just really good work life juggling.
Are you good at juggling the things in your life? Or do you find yourself running from one crisis to another, putting out fires?
You can actually change that. It’s entirely up to you. Most people are so used to dropping all the balls that they can’t even imagine a life where their money is flowing, the love is overflowing and their health is glowing.

What will THAT life look like for you? If you want it, let me know, so I can help.


P.S. Just like balls don’t juggle themselves – your life will not balance itself. It has to be done intentionally and it takes knowledge, discipline, practice and a little force. Let me know if you want me to speed this up for you.

[BOUNDARIES] Why My Mom CAN’T Call Me Whenever She Wants…

Why My Mom CAN’T Call Me Whenever She Wants…

My mom has to schedule her calls with me. Seriously.

And it has INCREASED the love in our relationship. How do you ask?​

It did ALL of this:

#1 It erased my resentment.

Before, any time she called I felt I had to stop what I was doing and talk to her – even if it was inconvenient.

#2 – It made me happier.

Because she was scheduling with me, I was actually agreeing to the call which made me happier about being on the phone with her and more present on the call.

#3 – Increased my willingness to be flexible.

Because the calls could no longer ambush me, I felt better about them, so if she does call me out of the blue, I am willing to take those infrequent calls.

#4 – I feel respected.

My mother is showing respect to my schedule and the things in my life that I feel are important. Because that respect feels so good to me, I feel our relationship is even stronger and I love her even more.

#5 – It protects my energy.

Having a time frame for our calls “contains” the conversation. And if she has negative things to talk about it it doesn’t go on for hours. Those endless negative calls used to throw my energy way off. Now, because I know when it is going to be a “heavy” call and I can plan for it.


This also gives me the ability to surprise my mom with talking OUTSIDE times we’ve agreed to. She can clearly feel and see it is EXTRA, whereas before she took those calls for granted. The old way had me feeling obligated and unappreciated for my efforts. The new way has us both feeling loved.

This is actually very similar to why women should “ask” men when they want to have a serious relationship discussion. You should schedule that discussion. You should not ambush your man with this discussion. He will resent it and resist it even more than the topic and he’ll develop a pattern of resenting and resisting ambush talks.

This is just one way in which boundaries (structure) enhances love.

Ready for something cool? Scheduling is good for sex!

Re-read the 5 points above but substitute SEX as the scheduled “thing”. See?
Same results. (Feel free to forward this to your partner!)
Is it uncomfortable to set this up with your Mom? Mate? Yep. It will probably be uncomfortable but LOOK at the results.

Happiness. Flexibiity. Respect. Protection. Ending resentment…

Do you need help figuring out how to set your boundaries?

How to stop mid-stream and make the changes NOW that you DIDN’T KNOW to make at the beginning? Hit reply and tell me the boundary you WISH you had right now…

P.S. We have a Holiday weekend coming up in the US – Labor Day 😉 I’m looking forward to working and playing. Lots to do – I’m building my next Summit on Relationships in Distress!

[FOCUS] How to Do Something UNCOMFORTABLE (that you don’t want to do…)

How to Do Something Uncomfortable (that you don’t want to do…)

#1Give yourself permission to be sucky.

Remember we agreed that if you’ve never done it before it’s silly to imagine that you SHOULD (or even COULD) do it fabulously the first time. You need to remind yourself that you are likely to be sucky at the beginning. So go ahead and give yourself PERMISSION to be sucky, to fail, to screw-up and in general take a long time doing it.

Why this trick works: It defeats your PERFECTIONISM which is your ego’s tool to keep you from ever STARTING anything that you can’t COMPLETE perfectly.

Put yourself under some type of time pressure.

Humans are competitive and we will race a clock. Whatever it is you need to do give yourself about 1/10 of the time needed to do it. Yes, you read that right. In my free Block Movers training series this is similar to my DT Tool.

Why this trick works: Your focus on beating the clock will shift your focus OFF hating doing the thing. Ever tell kids to pick up as many toys as they can in 30 seconds? (That still works & it works on YOU. Use it.)

#3 Tell somebody else you’re going to do it.

You don’t want to look like an idiot telling somebody that you were going to do X and then when they ask, you didn’t do it. Just be sure you don’t tell them you’re going to complete it or do it wonderfully or set too high a bar.

Why this trick works: We are hard wired to seek approval. You want your friend to be proud of you and praise you so you will do your stuff. This is why buddies going to the gym works.

#4 Pick out your reward for doing a little thing.

This is not a reward that waits until you’ve completed cleaning out the entire garage. This is a reward for you going in there and doing the 10 minutes that you SAID you do.

Why this trick works: Are you kidding? Everybody likes bribes. Gifts rule. If you REALLY want to supercharge this – hand a friend $10 and tell them to pick out & buy your reward. NOW it’s a reward and a surprise! You will shock yourself at how happily you will perform for this incentive.

#5Connect conquering this thing to conquering something really important to you.

Cleaning the garage can be connected to saving a marriage. Decluttering to weight loss. And make no mistake – when you forge that energetic link in your mind – that’s a real thing and it produces real results FOR BOTH AREAS.

Why this trick works: You are increasing the value of the task you don’t like by making it symbolize progress on something super valuable to you. Few like the gym, everybody wants to look good on the beach. I call it Energetic transference of motivation.

Do ALL 5 when it’s something you really don’t want to do and it WILL get done. I promise.

You Answered: What Will I Do That’s Uncomfortable For Me?

One of the most touching replies I received was from a woman outside the US. She is stepping up to try to save her 30 year marriage (I’m PROUD of You Mrs. X!).

I told her that the most common mistake I see people make is to go to marriage counseling.

What?! Yes, taking a long time strained marriage with emotional abuse to marriage counseling is putting the cart before the horse.

FIRST, each spouse needs individual coaching or counseling. Then after some progress has been made, joint counseling can be considered. If coaching is effective, it is often not necessary as two newly healthy, functioning adults can now communicate and problem solve on their own.

Otherwise, each person tries to have their PERSONAL needs met on “JOINT/SAVE THE COUPLE” time. Show him/her I was right! That energy screws up the counseling every time and everybody loses.

I loved her so much for sharing that with me, I offered to coach not her, BUT HIM. {!firstname_fix}, just imagine what I could fix for you…hmmmmm.

P.S. If you are struggling with your relationship or you have the dreaded “roommate marriage” – let me help you. If it is save-able, I can show you how to save it. (If it’s a 1972 Pinto that hasn’t run in 8 years, I’ll help you own that & release it.)

​P.P.S. Do NOT use the 5 steps above ON children but by ALL means TEACH the steps TO your children so they have a tool to use on THEMSELVES.

[GOALS] Why “Comfortable” Is My NEW Curse Word…

Why “Comfortable” Is My New Curse Word


Comfort is NOT a “good” sign unless it’s a couch, a bra or a pair of jeans.

​Do you want to START things with the feeling you get only after you’ve begun it’s MASTERY?
Do you expect to use the feelings of comfort, safety, security and confidence as a signal that beginning this “NEW” thing is a good idea. Your ego is truly trying to brainwash you on this.
It has convinced you to look for signs that will never ever be present at the commencement of a new skill project or activity. NEVER.
The ego convinces you, you can’t start coaching or dating or learning to dance, writing a book or starting a business because it feels “uncomfortable” and you have doubts and you’re afraid. When you feel comfortable and secure and confident THAT’S your “sign.” THEN you’re going the right way…

I call Bullsh–.

If children used “comfort” as a standard, the entirety of human civilization would cease to evolve!
At some point tying your shoe was unnatural and uncomfortable. Remember? Multiplication tables. Riding a bike. Learning to drive a car – especially a manual transmission. Cooking. SEX. (I don’t care what Nora Roberts has to say about it [very famous romance author], your first time was likely not comfortable and confident.
Think about it. What are you NOT doing because it’s uncomfortable? A move. A break up. Returning to the gym. Standing your ground with your kids. What are you writing yourself a “pass” on?

What is that costing you?

It is WAY more likely that discomfort is a spiritual GO FORWARD sign than run away sign…



I want you to be uncomfortable.


I make my clients uncomfortable. I won’t try to have you love me constantly because then you don’t GROW, you don’t CHANGE, you don’t try anything NEW.

Get uncomfortable. Today.

Hit reply and tell me what uncomfortable thing you are willing to do. Want help? I can do that, ask.

P.S. I used my crock pot on FISH! Seriously. It felt…uncomfortable to begin with because I’d never done it before. And? It totally worked. Salmon and Cod cooked together. It went so well, I cooked every piece of frozen fish in the freezer (12!) and the next day I cooked an entire bag of shrimp in the same fish broth. LITTLE WIN – BIG DEAL. Now I can buy fish in bulk and KNOW I’ll cook it. Get Slightly Uncomfortable with me, it’s well worth it.
P.P.S. Tanya’s Definition of Entitlement – Those who INSIST on YOU maintaining THEIR comfort with NO contribution from themselves. (Hell no.)

[GOALS] Little WINS & Everyday FAILURES Count the Most…

Little WINS & Everyday FAILURES Count the Most…

I’m sitting on my front porch, watching the last of the rain. I can smell that “fresh rain” smell and I feel really good? Why? (Glad you asked, I talk to myself a lot but thankfully here I am talking to YOU).

Because I am 14 minutes away from finishing my 8 hour Crock Pot Beef Stew…that I apparently was TRYING to FAIL AT. Repeatedly.
Let’s peek under the hood of an everyday opportunity for failure… 


Last night it felt like I should go buy MEAT. I realized I was fresh out of protein – no chicken, no beef and no pork. I went with it and happily spent $30 on meat.
I had a vision of Beef Stew which I hadn’t made in (shame on me) years. And Pork Posole. And THREE BEAN CHILI


Once I got the meat, all my enthusiasm faded. I was hot. I was hungry. I wanted to head home.
What I NEEDED to do was go get some damn red potatoes so I could actually MAKE the stew… Those were at the FAR away grocery store -another whole 3 miles (5 km) – yeah. I know. Sad in hindsight. At the moment? Not so much.


​I had to MAKE myself take the turn and just GO. (No blinker even, last second. Sorry truck behind me!) Once there, I bought everything to make the beef, pork AND chili meals and I felt amazing for NOT wimping out. Ha! I did it!


I needed to start the stew this morning if I wanted it for dinner. And….I didn’t want to.

I had to chop the onions (I cry like a wet baby), mince garlic and cut this fabulous hunk of beef into chunks and brown it. (Yes. I know you are laughing at my little “hardship”. You’ve been here too.)
Then I noticed myself looking for EXC– USES. The thought of almost a WHOLE hour lost…I had to make myself make the TIME.
I had to make myself make the TIME.

Why am I sharing?

I want you to notice in your own life where these 4 stages can pop up.

What do you do?

Do you see how really complex just making and taking the actions to have a healthy dinner are?
I had to ACT on the motivation, TELL the truth to myself once it faded, — USE commitment to push myself to do what I needed to do AND then still had to BATTLE my “don’t wannas” early in the morning just to FINISH.

Building the habit of finishing is CRITICAL.


When you can do those LITTLE WINS all the time, you train for the BIG WINS.

​My clients aren’t always trying to write a book or save the world. Mostly they are trying to go the gym, stop procrastinating or not trigger & yell when their child says something insane.

​It is in these SMALL moments you change.

​If you don’t know how to make them, take them and celebrate them you put too much pressure on yourself to get the BIG WINS.
And just like the Olympics (which I am surprising myself, but I am HOOKED and YELLING) you can never do in the hardest moment, what you haven’t already done 1,000 times before when it when it wasn’t critical.

P.S. Want help getting small AND BIG wins before the holidays hit? Put me in Coach! (Yes, the holidays are coming! I am just WAITING for the US stores to accidentally SKIP Halloween or Thanksgiving one year in their rush to reach Christmas!)

[Focus] 7 Lessons From This Year’s Olympics

7 Lessons From This Year’s Olympics

(1) Years Of Effort And Preparation Always Come Down To A Few Minutes.

Simone Biles USA’s gymnast superstar (5 medals so far, 4 Gold) trains 300 days A YEAR. She said she missed her proms, dances, dating. How EASY would it have been to say, THIS ONE dance doesn’t matter – I’ll just go?

**Where are you cancelling your own efforts in a weak moment?

(2) Opportunities Get Lost When You Lose Your Focus.

False start eliminated a guy Sunday night. Dutch gymnast Yuri van Gelder was sent home for drinking. Both out of the Olympics. Done. Both lost their focus, one just for a second. That was enough.

**What should have your CONSTANT focus right now that doesn’t?

(3) Champions Are MADE Not Born.

Check out my post on Training versus Talent. This is my year to TRAIN my TALENT.

**What dream did you let go of because you weren’t BORN “with it”?

(4) Everyone Loves A Winner.

Michael Phelps, 28 Olympic Medals. 6 this time, 5 Gold. Enough said.

**Can you be happy for all those winning around you, even if YOU aren’t winning?

(5) You Can Do What YOU Decide You Can Do.

There is a US swimmer named Katie Ledecky.

Phenom. Won 5 Medals. 4 Gold, 1 Silver (relay, so we’ll say that wasn’t her fault!)

Swims the 200m, 400m AND 800m.

In the past swimmers have thought you CAN’T swim well at both short AND long distances. (Uh huh). The mindset is totally different (Uh huh). The training is too different (Uh huh).

Katie’s mindset? I choose to. I can. Watch me. I’ve earned this. She re-broke HER OWN 800M WORLD RECORD by 2 seconds swimming so far ahead she looked alone!

**What “story” have you accepted about what you can do/can’t do that’s stopping you?

(6) Missing The Win By A Little (1/100 Of Second) Is WORSE Than Missing By A Lot.

​When you lose what you want by a tiny margin, you are filled with regret that you didn’t go the one extra mile that could’ve made the difference. That you LET OFF THE GAS TOO SOON. You didn’t FINISH.

**Where are you letting yourself “coast in”?

(7) Everybody There Has A Coach.​

​Coaches are all about speed. (he he, pun intended).

Seriously. They give you the short cut to the better you.

Poor people think “I don’t need a coach, I’ll figure it out. I can’t afford it. I might fail anyway…”

Wealthy people look at what they want and ask is THAT LOVE, MONEY & HAPPINESS worth getting FASTER.

Answer: Hell YES.

I just hired my THIRD COACH for this year. I could’ve bought a VERY NICE CAR in cash or I could find my hidden blocks, move them and become GREAT at what I was born to do – coach you. They give me SPEED.

Where do YOU need a coach?
There is something you think you are RIGHT about that you are wrong about. You can’t see it. It’s likely a belief that is driving what you EXPECT…driving what you ALLOW…driving what you will WORK for.

One of my favorite clients today is approaching the end of her coaching agreement. We accomplished her 6 month goals in less than 2 months.

Now she is shooting for the stars but out of money and running out of time.

Solution? I will coach her into her Purpose and then help her attract and land a better job aligned with that Purpose so she can afford to continue coaching.

(…if you have been skipping talking to me because of money this confirms your fears were unfounded – you need to ASK me and EXPECT there IS a way.)

Then she’ll also have my 15+ year divorce lawyer support to position her start and finish of the long avoided divorce, reduce her attorney’s fees (which will also totally pay for the coaching) AND GET WHERE SHE WANTS to be – a happy, well paid professional woman who attracts healthy relationships with children who are flourishing.​

If you want what SHE’S getting, you’ll have to raise your hand (and get in line, I only take so many private clients and I’m filling up). Don’t let yourself miss it by a mouse click…

P.S. On MY Friday I sat on my porch with no phone and watched my birds. I have tracked 22 different kinds at my feeders so far! Including multiple woodpeckers and a few unsuccessful squirrels. I feed 40 lbs (18.2 kg) a month! Do you have bird feeders?