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You’ve Got Voicemail

Play Voicemail #2 (04:12)

Tanya explains how the truths you avoid are what

block your path forward to purpose & success.

P.S. Truth is precious to me. I am gifted to see it through the “noise” of life and the distractions of ego. I am charged to protect it and expand it, spiritual truth in particular. I have accepted my soul’s purpose and feel a peace that surpasses understanding that I want to share with you…

I Show Alpha Women Entrepreneurs How to Resurrect Relationships, Own Your Potential, Build Your Business and BALANCE It ALL.

[Audio] Voicemail #2 from Tanya – Truth

[Finishing] Waste Not Want Not :-)

Jan

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Use What You Have

As an Alpha, we are more prone to “Out of Sight, Out of Mind” on things. If we aren’t looking at it, we tend to forget it’s there. If neglecting spinach until it liquefies was a sin, I’d be in deep trouble!

Using up what you have is not only common sense and saves you money and time but it supports a spiritual law, evolutionary growth AND the good pattern you want to build.

Finishing Supports Stewardship

We are called to be excellent stewards of all that we are given. The gratitude with which we go through our lives directly impacts what we receive more and LESS of. When you are wasteful and neglect the nice things you DO HAVE, you can bet there is going to be a wait to get your upgrade!

Finishing Follows Evolution

All creatures evolve to a higher level only AFTER they have completely maxed out and used up all that was available on the level of evolution they were on. In other words, the first fish that made it to land was a pretty badass fish! This was NOT the lazy fish or the “get around to it” fish. It was an overachieving flying fish. You must stretch and use ALL that is currently available to you, to get “promoted”.

Finishing Builds A Transferable Habit

Finishing is a pattern. A habit that transfers to other areas of your life. To get into the habit of finishing you can (and should) begin FINISHING anything you can get your hands on! Finish the toothpaste tube, the shower gel, your dinner, your workout, your book, your assignment from your coach (LADIES!)…even the story you started to tell your best friend.

Notice where you tend to stop, probably about ¾ of the way? That’s your old pattern. Break it. Click here to See Training on Breaking Patterns

That is a LOT of bang for the buck from using what you already have or have already started.

Set yourself up for success by periodically looking around to find all the “things” that are almost done and purposefully putting them where you see them as a priority for finishing.

I put lotions, conditioners, incense and perfumes in a special “I want to finish this” spot that I make myself go to first. Use it up! Use extra. Feel abundant. There is a feeling of decadence that comes from reaching for the “almost empty” and feeling rich instead of frugal. I use MORE when it’s close to finished.

Do this with your “almost” finished projects too!

P.S. Another form of finishing is permitting yourself to throw away what you know you will not finish or would have to “force” yourself to finish. You can throw it away without regret if you begin finishing what CAN be finished.

You can also box it up and give it away (what I just did with extra lotions, colognes, soaps and scrubs from my bathroom’s deep cleaning.)

I Show Alpha Women Entrepreneurs How to Resurrect Relationships, Own Your Potential, Build Your Business and BALANCE It ALL.

[Finishing] Waste Not Want Not 🙂

[Tanya in San Diego] Do You WANT Your Momentum?

Jan

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Do You WANT Your Momentum?

I’m sitting in a mastermind in San Diego, with the boats on the bay right over my shoulder. It’s week 2 of January and I’m still in momentum from Christmas.

Momentum is NOT free. If you aren’t in it, IT costs you to jump start it and it costs you to maintain it and grow it. You have to be willing to pay that price to CREATE the life you deserve.

Here’s what I mean…

Dreaming of the life you want is NOT hard.

Managing the monkeys loose in your mind eating away your ambition and execution IS hard.

You don’t manage your monkeys on your own, unless you only want what you have right now.

Get a coach. A mentor. A CEO for your life to lead you, praise you and push you.

Build your plan and fight for it.

You must train your talent. You know you should stop coasting. You already know the perils of doing it the way you always have. Let me show you an easier way.

If you can let me LEAD you, you can do this.

Just keep it simple. Take a deep breath and give me your 22 problems and I’m on your team.

Does that feel like a good way to start 2017?

So, here’s the deal and WHY

I am emailing you.

My coach (who is coaching billionaire Sara Blakey of Spanx) just told me to. I said, Yes. So, I’ll take one private client from this email. And nope, this spot won’t wait for you.

Do you want my help to build a BALANCED life where it’s not “either love or money”, “either family or health”, it’s not either or but BOTH AND?

If so, Hit Reply to this email.

Stop waiting for better timing. This IS it. You ARE your rescue.

Talk soon,

P.S. Karen, client in Canada: What would you tell former you while deciding to coach with Tanya? “Do it now. Do it now. Do it NOW.” (Her relationship with her mate has improved and she’s in her brand new home.)

I Show Alpha Women Entrepreneurs How to Resurrect Relationships, Own Your Potential, Build Your Business and BALANCE It ALL.

[Tanya in San Diego] Do You WANT Your Momentum?

[Focus Mag] Momentum…Your Unsung Hero!

Jan

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Our FOCUS:

Momentum

I’ve said I’d do this training on momentum for a while. And once I started, wouldn’t you know it? It flowed. I spotted some deeper connections and I am happy to share them with you.

Momentum is as necessary to _____(put anything amazing you want in this blank)_____ AS water is to grow plants.

You aren’t growing anything without water and you aren’t creating anything amazing without momentum. Let’s look at our unsung hero and remind ourselves how to “hack” momentum.

Anthony Robbins – Author, Philanthropist and top Life & Business Strategist. His products have coached 50 million people from 100 countries. 4 million people have attended his live seminars.

“People who succeed have momentum.The more they succeed, the more they want to succeed, and the more they find a way to succeed. Similarly, when someone is failing the tendency is to get on a downward spiral that can even become a self-fulfilling prophecy.”

Today’s TRAINING:

I’m driving and dictating (what? You drive and talk on the phone…) And getting clear on what I want to teach you on the powerful subject of momentum.

Newton’s First Law of Motion States (paraphrase):

An object at rest or in motion remains in that state unless acted upon by another force.

What you need to know: A woman failing or a woman succeeding will KEEP on doing just that until she encounters a force sufficient to alter her course.

The faster you are moving, the HARDER it is to alter your course or stop you.

Momentum is your new BFF.

If your life is sucking, momentum is that mean girl that won’t give you break. When things are working, momentum is more often called: grace, luck, serendipity, a miracle, in the zone, in the flow or blessed.

By LAW (you know I love the Laws, God made them and they power everything), you can improve your life by simply getting into Momentum.

On what? You ask. Answer: Anything. Energy is energy. You should pause here and reflect on what that means for you. Getting into momentum on ANYTHING improves EVERYTHING.

But let’s talk about “everything” for a moment, specifically the really good stuff.

Love. Peace. Flow. Health. Enthusiasm. Joy.

What we are REALLY talking about when we mention these things is not a SINGLE ISOLATED EVENT. We are most excited when it’s a string of continuous events – multiple acts of love, peace, kindness, joy.

(That felt good just TYPING that.)

We don’t want to be enthusiastic ONCE this year. We don’t want to feel joy ONCE. We don’t want our mates to love us off and on. We seek momentum in all good things, so that we have a flow of them. An abundance of them.

The more I worked with this concept, the more I’ve come to realize that momentum is actually kind of secret energy that helps power all great things (& some scary ones too).

Let’s look at a few.

1. Momentum powers Faith.

Faith is believing what you cannot yet see. When you believe what you cannot yet see, what you cannot yet see THEN becomes visible. That is literally the process of manifestation and creation. But how does momentum play a role?

You can’t just believe for an isolated moment, you have to keep the faith! You have to keep believing. (Song in my head “Don’t Stop Believing” by Journey). Your belief has to have Momentum to become Faith.

2. Momentum powers Focus.

Focus is holding steady to what you want to do over a period of time. The more momentum you have on your work, the easier it is for you to hold focus. When you begin a project (a time of low momentum), it is also hard to stay on task. The more you keep going, the easier it is to keep going.

3. Momentum powers Love.

Love is allowing and accepting without requiring for yourself. The more you allow and accept, the easier it becomes to keep giving and loving without fear that it won’t be returned. When love is sporadic, I am not sure that is true love. Real love has momentum, it does not turn off and on, it grows.

4. Momentum powers Trust.
Trust allows someone else to exercise their free will without me fearing I will come to harm. The more trust that I give, the easier it is to continue to trust and to deepen my trust. Momentum keeps trust expanding in the worthy.

5. Momentum powers Fear.

Fear is the absence of allowing, accepting and trust. It is controlling, it is lack, it is anxiety and anger. The more you give into any of these negative emotions for any reason (justified or not), the more momentum fear gains in your life and the easier it is for fear to surface in any situation.

So now an important question? Where is YOUR Momentum taking you?

Momentum is like a strong current in a river and just like the downhill skier in the video, if you lose control, it will take you where IT was going.

If your Momentum right now is depression, anxiety, micro-managing, exhaustion or “strong start/poor finish”, you WILL go there absent a radical change in your course.

When you have momentum, the force of that energy makes it feel easier for you to just ski around the next doubt, swim past the next fear and hop over the confusion. It truly confers a kind of magical shield against unexpected obstacles.

If I told you that your children were in grave danger on the other side of an old, oak door that you HAD to break down – would you stand still and push at it or get a running start & hit it? Exactly.

How to Get Into Momentum:

“Go that way. Very fast. If something gets in your way, turn.”

Pick two things you need to do – one biggie and one small one. Get into momentum by doing the small one. Start tiny and build up. You can even get into momentum by drinking water. Start by adding 1 glass a day to where you are).

Do that for 3 days. Then bump it up to 2 extra glasses daily for a week. Then bump it to 3 extra glasses. Long before you hit 3 a day, you’ll have “momentum” on your hydration.

You’ll feel stronger. You’ll be prouder of yourself. That self-love momentum starts to speed up and you can then use THOSE new, positive good feelings to fuel tackling the Biggie. Got it?

Want crazy momentum? Pick something insanely hard and very structured (so you can see that you are doing what you agreed) and DO IT. Training for a race when you are not a runner will get you into crazy momentum.

Doing a 3 Day Juice Cleanse will do it. Going on a fast from tv, sex, cell phone – whatever you are fairly addicted to. You get a massive boost from this because it’s energy in, energy out. You’ll put in a LOT to do this and you’ll get a LOT out of it.

All you really need to know is get going in the direction you want to go, speed up and if an obstacle comes at you, do not stop for it – turn, jump it, ignore it, destroy it but do not allow yourself to totally lose your momentum. It is precious. It is rocket fuel for everything you want in life.

Learning how to build, conserve, protect and increase your momentum is well worth your time.

Tanya Recommends:

One of the most important times to set and protect your Momentum is first thing in the morning.

Do NOT read the paper, look at Facebook or listen to the news. Or rather, you can listen to the Good News Network. They only have…GOOD news! If you need a reset or pick me up, go there right now.

You are just 2 or 3 articles away from the momentum of feeling good and remembering there are kind, brave, loving people in this world (and animals, plenty of awesome animal articles here too!).

Read it!

First find where you have bad momentum and stop it. You need a way to slow yourself down or turn, before you try to begin doing “the better thing”. It is incredibly hard to change habits that have strong momentum, if you don’t first slow them down. Slow them down by reducing the frequency of the bad thing over a defined space of time.

Going to bed too late to have any time for yourself? Set a cutoff for everyone else’s needs and set an alarm to remind you that it’s now “ME” time. We don’t practice slowing down our bad momentum (getting off our own brakes) enough.

Your momentum is ALWAYS supported by the Universe. It does not pick your direction, but it puts the wind behind the sails of whichever path YOU choose.

Law of Attraction is momentum. The more you focus on a thought and stronger you feel about it, the more momentum and energy builds up sending out a Universal request for MATCHING energy, experiences, feelings and thoughts.

If you are in a dark place, you can begin changing your life 1 minute at a time by changing your words and thoughts to alter your momentum.

Wow, Did You Hear?

Client Get’s 1st Bonus in 4 Years

“Big Win. I received my bonus cheque today. Never received a cheque for so much before. First bonus in four years. A highlight of my day.”

(Bonus is ~$6,000 USD)

Click Here to Visit FearlessFocusCoaching

Spread the Word!

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[Focus Mag] Momentum…Your Unsung Hero!

Talk To Tanya

My Mission:

I Show Alpha Women Entrepreneurs READY for Better & WILLING to Change How to Transform their Lives from Messes to Miracles, Overflowing in Loving Relationships, Vibrant Health, Visible Wealth & Perfect Self- Expression.

[Self-Love] How Is An Apology Identical To A Compliment?

Jan

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How Is An Apology Identical To A Compliment?

How is an apology identical to a compliment? Easy. They are both offers of love.You have probably heard that an easy gauge of your self-love is how your respond to compliments. (True!)

Most people brush them off or explain them away. They DEFLECT the love the giver is giving. When you have trouble with your self-love, you are usually a poor receiver of love too.

What about apologies? Same thing! An apology is a person giving you love and showing respect by honoring your pain. What is the common response? “Don’t worry about it.”

I want you to stop deflecting your love. Your self needs it and deserves it.

If someone wrongs or hurts you and apologizes, thank them and then praise them for doing the right thing. Help reinforce their good behavior in apologizing! Accept the humility you are being given.

If you tell someone often enough to “not worry about it”, they are bound to start believing you. You are certainly giving their ego ammo to discourage the necessity of future apologies.

Model for you:
“Tanya, I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to act that way.”
“Thank you. And thank you for telling me. I really appreciate that. I’m good (or We’re good).”

Keep your ears open to see what others around you do in response to their compliments and apologies, and YOU do better.

Show the Universe you are ready for MORE love by receiving what is offered to you in good grace and with visible gratitude.

P.S. Thank you Marie for demonstrating this lesson for today! I told you I’d make a coaching post out of it! You are on fire my love! Get ready for more love. (Allow. Accept. Simplify.)

P.P.S. Love yourself enough yet to get your own coach? I’m here.

I Show Alpha Women Entrepreneurs How to Resurrect Relationships, Own Your Potential, Build Your Business and BALANCE It ALL.

[Self-Love] How Is An Apology Identical to a Compliment?

[Audio] Voicemail #1 from Tanya – New for 2017!

Jan

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Welcome to “The Voicemail”…

New Year, New Things!

On the 1st and 3rd Wednesdays you’ll get a “Voicemail” from me instead of a training post. You’ll still get Trainings on 2nd and 4th Wednesdays plus your weekly Coaching Posts & video -> “Friday’s Motivating Question” Facebook Live Broadcasts around 10:30ish am EST.

Join/Follow here to see FB Live Broadcasts

My Voicemails may be advice, sharing, insights, business tips or the “coolest thing” I just learned. They will be short and easy to listen to from your phone or on a bathroom break! Enjoy!

Play Voicemail #1 (03:50)

The goal for your future holidays is to not need someone else to MAKE you feel loved.

P.S. I’m excited to teach using different modalities so I reach more hearts & minds…

The new logo and website and Alpha things are coming!!!!

I show those READY for Better & WILLING to Take Massive Action How to Transform their Lives from Messes to Miracles, Overflowing in Loving Relationships, Vibrant Health, Visible Wealth & Perfect Self-Expression.

Get Off Your Own Brakes.

[Audio] Voicemail #1 from Tanya – New for 2017!

[Year in Review] The MOST Useful Posts of 2016 to Start 2017

Dec

Why Work Life Balance Doesn’t Exist…And It SHOULDN’T

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The MOST Useful Posts of 2016 to Start 2017

Year in Review – You’ve told me THESE were some of the MOST valuable

coaching posts & trainings. It was VERY hard to pick just 12.

And now for your fun thing! (Gotta end the year with some Fun! I’ve worked you HARD this year.)

Say the numbers 1-12 out loud. You are asking your intuition what you should read (or re-read) below. Just count until it feels like a number stands out.

Do this 3 times to get 3 numbered posts to read from the List of 12 below!

(Badasses can have a Tanya Binge and do all 12 New Year’s Weekend!)

Next time you hear from me, it’ll be Jan 4^th, 2017! I’ll have a new website coming on line soon. And that first Wednesday will be an AUDIO message from me! New year, New things! See you on the other side…

P.S. I am releasing The Life Purpose Catalyst and I will be reborn as The Alpha Woman Coach…stay tuned! (Whoever you are, you are welcome to take the journey with me. Boys allowed!)

Just one more…I loved this one!

I Show Alpha Women Entrepreneurs How to Resurrect Relationships, Own Your Potential, Build Your Business and BALANCE It ALL.

[Year in Review] The MOST Useful Posts of 2016 to Start 2017

[Focus Mag] Being Alone…The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

Dec

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Our FOCUS:

Being Alone…The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

It’s GOOD to be alone. It’s BAD if you CAN’T be alone and it gets UGLY when you force others to keep you from being alone. Hmm. A little more detail is in order.

First this is not about being an introvert or extrovert, it’s about Self-Love. When you love yourself, you are not just “ok” alone, you are happy.

Recall that phase in a young child’s life where they can happily play alone. Then, they got older. Got exposed to more stuff, more people, more external stimulus and whammo – that child now “needs” a toy, a playdate, someone to talk to, something that plugs in…

Guess what? That child is now YOU!

Let’s help you see where you are and see where getting good at being with yourself will make you happier AND better at being with other people…

Alice Koller, Modern Philosopher &

Solitary Writer

Being solitary is being alone well: being alone luxuriously immersed in the doings of your own choice, aware of the fullness of your own presence rather than the absence of others…”

Today’s TRAINING:

Being Alone – THE GOOD

I’m an extrovert. (If this surprises you, you are clearly a NEW reader.)

I always believed that extroverts didn’t LIKE being alone. I have discovered a few things that really shifted my perspective.

I am no longer a pure extrovert. I have found that as I have grown spiritually, I uncovered a deep introvert side that I never knew about or nurtured previously.
Extroverts recharge around people. Introverts recharge alone. When I learned that, it was a huge aha moment! I do both. This is how I know I have become a hybrid.
Some of the world’s top-paid speakers are introverts! Being an introvert does NOT mean you cannot do “social” or “public” things well.
My ego distracted me and kept feeding the idea that I was a pure extrovert, so that I would starve the rest of me – the part of me in charge of deep connection, communication and intuition – the part connected to my heart.

We’ll loop back to why it’s GOOD to be alone, you may not fully buy it just yet…

Being Alone – THE BAD

(Some part of you just read that heading and nodded in agreement. It’s kinda what you already believe.)

In my past, I never wanted to be alone. I can see in hindsight I equated it with some kind of “failure.” If I was smart enough, pretty enough, fun enough why would anyone leave? Why wouldn’t someone ALWAYS want to be there?

This grew into a real triggering around the holidays – the pack of three: Thanksgiving, Christmas and Valentine’s Day looked like a great big exam that told me how LOVED I was, translation, how LOVABLE and WORTHY I was. (What? You didn’t expect me to take my OWN word for my value did you? I was just like you.)

If you’ve ever heard me teach about the Square of Doom Behaviors (Regretting, Resenting, Rescuing and Resisting) – my poison of choice was RESCUING! OMG, could I rescue!

I rescued family (for awhile I thought about getting my own Bank of Tanya ATM), “friends” (who I had to learn later weren’t actually friends, they were victims under my protection) and men (if a man in trouble is like a cupcake, I used to run a bakery).

I used my rescuing so that I wouldn’t have to be…ALONE. If you needed me, you couldn’t leave right? Right? (Actually, wrong. People left anyway and it was waaaaayyy messier.)

There was a stretch of New Year’s Eve disaster stories that I could sell to the Hallmark Movie Channel. Including one date with a UPS Driver (package delivery service) who GOT LOST coming to my house and was an hour & half late, so dinner? Cancelled! We had a microwave breakfast sandwich from a gas station that made me sick (you can’t make this stuff up).

This was ALL so we’d be on time for my “SURPRISE” – which was NOT a New Year’s Eve Rock Concert like I thought but….. a church service at his favorite MEGA CORPORATE church. It was soo big that they shuttled people from the far parking zones!

I have not thought of that in years! I don’t have to risk these treacherous waters anymore because I love myself enough to be Happy alone. You don’t have to “fix” being alone.

Being Alone – THE UGLY

This is where you blame OTHER people for you not being happy when you are alone. You make your happiness someone else’s responsibility.

Tanya’s Definition of Loneliness: When you have made someone else responsible for your happiness and they don’t show up.

This is UGLY because it screws you up in several different ways:

You feel like a victim and powerless because you gave your power of happiness away.
You keep looking OUTSIDE of you for a solution when it’s an inside job.
Your expectations feel like pressure to others, so they resist them automatically.
You accept LESS just to have SOMETHING.
You get addicted to the company of others, so being alone feels “weird” instead of natural.

There’s more but that’s enough to show you that if being alone feels super uncomfortable, you want to work on that.

Newsflash, even if you are MARRIED, your mate is not responsible for entertaining you constantly. They will in the beginning (some people call it courtship LOL) but it gets old.

I no longer make plans for the holidays. Yep. I let God deliver my plans to me. I spent Thanksgiving alone and have NEVER had a better Thanksgiving. I was happy. I felt loved and I did things I enjoyed ALL day. (Share My “Single Woman’s Dream Thanksgiving” here).

My Christmas plans arrived a few weeks before Christmas as a last minute, week long, Oceanside townhome on the beach. Solo. New Years? No clue yet. (Hint: Not even thinking about it.)

Back to Happy

Your ability to be alone and be happy is a great indicator of your self-love.

The funny thing about holidays is they are a time where we all “check” to see how much others love us.

IF YOU ARE TRULY LOVED you should already know! I am in a place that if my mate were here, he wouldn’t need to make ANY production out of ANY holiday because I already feel loved. I am now very EASY to love.

Can you be alone on a holiday? Well, how loved do you feel by YOU? How secure do you feel in their love? THAT is your answer.

Now you know why I think Being Alone is GOOD for you. It shows you your weak spot.

I cannot tell you the joy I have felt spending a week at the beach on the Gulf of Mexico for Christmas. The strangers I have met and laughed with. The blessings I have given. The family photos I’ve taken for people. It was THIS joy, THIS glow that led to what may be the best swimsuit photo I’ve ever taken. My “JOY” was showing!

Lonely is a choice. Start removing it as a default choice. Strengthen your self-love. Make a list of things you would like to do FOR you and do those things when you are alone. I feel delicious alone. Free of obligation and full of choices. I want that feeling for you too!

Love Always,

Tanya

Tanya Recommends:

I asked my heart what I should recommend. YouTube popped into my head. I searched for “being alone” and THIS came up, first try. (What? I’m aligned!)

I could have written this! It’s perfect. It’s like she composed it AFTER reading my training.

I squeaked with awe when I saw the writer’s name was ALSO Tanya!

Invest 4 minutes and 9 seconds to watch this now. 107,025 people did too. How to Be Alone

Watch It

Test yourself. Go to eat, a movie or for a walk alone. If the idea makes you feel uncomfortable, that is exactly the one you should stretch and do. I stopped wishing for dates for movies I wanted to see (with men I didn’t want to see them with) when I started taking myself to the movies.

I go the $2 show. Look and see if you have a discount movie theater near you and GO. Hell, it’s a $1 US on Tuesdays! I like to do a double feature. It feels GOOD to go see what I want when I want it (action, sci-fi without having to make a girlfriend suffer through it!). Easiest one? Drive without music. Just you.

Your self-love determines how much love you attract, recognize and receive. If you know a recluse, that is not self-love. They are HIDING and avoiding people to avoid being hurt or having to be flexible. Being alone by CHOICE and enjoying it, both planned and unplanned is your barometer on self-love. When you love yourself you know what you like and act on it, a critical skill for being alone happily.

Wow, Did You Hear?

Dawn, Client Says Her “Coached” Family Christmas WORKED

I have LOVED being even more disconnected than usual and have been more present in my life 🙂 Saturday afternoon I stopped doing anything for anyone else and read a fiction book for FUN!

Today I worked out, we all put together Lego sets in our toasty warm basement with the tree, and then played games. SO LOVELY to do what we want… To just BE and have fun together. Tanya, thanks for helping change my world!!!

Not having family in our house makes a big difference. We can wake up and do what we want instead of feeding people! I used to have 10 people live here for days at a time and wasn’t firm enough about my expectations. Now I am delighted with life!!!

My husband is SMILING for the first Christmas since I’ve known him!!!!! That says it all, and it is such a beautiful gift.

THANK YOU!!!!!
Dawn

Spread the Word!

If Fearless Focus Magazine made a difference for YOU, would you share this on your Facebook page?

[Focus Mag] Being Alone…The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

Click Here to Visit FearlessFocusCoaching

My Mission:

I Show those READY for Better & WILLING to Change

How to Transform their Lives from Messes to Miracles, Overflowing in Loving Relationships, Vibrant Health, Visible Wealth & Perfect Self- Expression.

[Focus Mag] How Does Your Ego Work? (and why it hates you…)

Dec

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Our FOCUS:

How Does Your Ego Work? (and why it hates you…)

By now you know what I stand for and who (or rather WHAT) I stand against. The Ego.

It’s not the principal villain, it’s pretty much the ONLY villain. Your life gets easier when you understand your enemy better.

So, today I will give you the crash course on ego and use the Christmas 5K I just ran to demonstrate how an ego works. And yes, they all work the same way. Just because mine is well managed doesn’t mean it’s DORMANT. It’s always trying to spin me too.

Let’s take a look under the hood at what your ego IS, what your ego WANTS and WHY!

From A Course in Miracles

The ego is suspicious at best and vicious at worst.

Today’s TRAINING:

Isn’t an ego just “being conceited”?

Nope. You probably grew up hearing someone say “that guy has a huge ego” and equated ego with conceit. When I am referring to ego it is easiest if you imagine a duplicate of yourself, stuck at the age of 6 (about when ego forms) SEPARATE from you but inside of you.

That little 6 year old is SPOILED, powerful, angry, afraid, manipulative and insane. It’s mostly running your operating system (subconscious mind).

Oh. And yes, it is also conceited. (See picture of my ego above.)

Where does it come from?

I don’t know, nor do I think anyone does. It’s part of our factory equipment. It forms slowly and comes into full bloom about 6 or 7 as we learn that we are separate from others. Egos help you conceive of you as “you” and not me. And then we learn we are vulnerable and become afraid.

Unfortunately, egos are purely fear based. Even Jesus had one. He battled it and won during the temptation on the mount. Most religions refer to ego as Satan. Yep, that is the level of problem we are talking about. In Hebrew the word Satan means the adversary, “the one who resists.”

What does it want?

To be special. To have power, so it can ensure that no “other” can take what it wants or reduce what it has. The ego acts like (& motivates) our most feared dictators.

It really can’t have enough because it doesn’t understand security. More and more is the only type of security it knows. Hence, all addicts are puppets of ego. Whatever they are addicted to, the ego keeps increasing the need.

It doesn’t think love is safe. It doesn’t think love is a good idea – giving is NOT ok for the ego. It needs to receive from the source it picks or it will punish you.

Once something hurts you, the ego sets out to “protect you” from that pain. The easiest way to prevent the pain of a relationship ending? Don’t let you have one, always leave first, pick someone that will never leave (and settle) OR pick people that aren’t good for you, so when they DO leave you can pretend it doesn’t matter.

Why?! Why does it hate me?

If I had a penny for every time I’ve been asked this, I could buy a coffee at Starbucks! Probably a medium (incidentally, pretentiously renaming the sizes works because your ego likes it! The people who adopt and follow the system feel “special”, “included” and “smart” so their ego says Starbucks is a better choice vs. a plain old medium coffee elsewhere).

Your ego does in fact HATE you because it’s in competition with you. It wants to be in control of all the decision making so that it can “PROTECT” you, i.e. make sure ego’s power and control continue.

Star Wars, Hitler & Your Ego

If you know Star Wars you’ll get this even faster. Once there was a galaxy that had regular people. They were under attack by terrible people. None of the regular people were up to the job of fighting the terrible people continuously. They were afraid. One guy (EvilGuy) steps up and says, “Don’t worry, I’ll fight the terrible FOR you” (for history buffs, Hitler inspired this story).

Yeaaa! All the regular, afraid people cheered. “I just need you to give me TOTAL CONTROL OF EVERYTHING to help me fight the terrible people. But….um….I’ll give it RIGHT BACK as soon as I’m done.” Hmm. No one wanted to take 100% responsibility for fighting their OWN battles, so they agreed. EvilGuy took power, revealed himself as EvilGuy Dictator and they were stuck.

THAT is how your ego manipulates you. It’s EvilGuy.

It keeps you in crisis, it encourages chaos. Why? So you will constantly be afraid and ask IT to fight your battles FOR YOU. You hide, it fights. Price? Control of your decisions. Once it gets control it does NOT easily give it back.

So, it resists any CHANGE to improve your situation. It fights any GROWTH to maintain chaos and guilt. It BREEDS fear. It fans the flames of all the messes in your life. In many, it would even rather see you dead than happy. Because you happy, is EGO starving, powerless, weak and exiled.

Love and God? Rejected, because both bring peace and acceptance. Not okay.

Ego and Tanya’s Race

It’s easiest to SHOW you ego by watching it work. You’ll recognize yours as you follow along as Tanya decides to start running again. Attempting a CHANGE for my GROWTH – two no-nos.

Running is a great EGO exercise, so I have my clients running races. Why? Because we don’t WANT to. Making yourself do what you don’t want to do, but need to do, is a secret of success.

I am highlighting my ego with a play by play. I have it’s “volume” turned way down but I know it’s there and sometimes it yells. Most of what it says, I either don’t notice or ignore.

Tanya: I want to return to running.

Ego: Your knee has been dodgy. Wait til next year. We can start out slow and work our way up.

Tanya: I’m going to sign up for a race in 30 days. I can do it.

Ego: Are you on crack? It’ll be cold. You run indoors. You don’t have time to get your new running shoes. The old ones are shot. You don’t want to hurt yourself. We don’t have enough time to train. You are freaking slow as dirt right now. Why did you stop running earlier this year anyway? We told you to KEEP running with the interval training. NOW we are behind…Those races are all so far away.

Tanya: I’ve signed up for the Christmas 5K on 12/17, I can run while I travel.

Ego: In CHICAGO? In winter? In the hood? Seriously? You know you aren’t going to do that. When do we have time? What about the new website? You need to work on that.

Tanya: (It’s the night before.) Crap, running tomorrow at 8am, need to get ready.

Ego: There a like a MILLION things you need to do. What are going to wear? Have you checked the weather? 40 degrees and RAINING! You don’t have running rain gear. We need to buy rain gear. What if you kill your ipod in the rain? You’re alone. No one to take photos. Hold your stuff. You don’t even know where you’re going. And you need to go to sleep like, what….NOW?

Tanya: (Going to start of race.) Awesome, I’m doing it!

Ego: It is freezing. You forgot your race timer. How are you going to run without it? I told you to get it and you didn’t listen to me. The parking lot is full. Where are we going to park? Gonna have to walk forever. Look at the LINE for the porta potties. I think we should start near the front. I think we should start farther back. I think we should’ve stretched more. I think we should start from the side.

Tanya: (Running well. Hit the 2 mile mark and realize I am running faster than my OLD race pace! Have 1.1 miles to go.) WOW. We are gonna hold! We are doing this!

Ego: Ok, soooo….. I thought we’d gone out too fast. You are probably going to run out of gas on this hill. It’s a freaking ski slope. We are so far ahead, we could just walk, you know…REALLY fast. Can you imagine how your knees are going to feel later? God, slow down so I can drink this damn dixie cup of water.

Tanya: To hold this pace we need to finish in 38 mins. We are GOING to finish in 38 mins.

Ego: Fuck.

Tanya: (Finishes at 37:38.) Amazed! Proud! In love with myself.

Ego: I knew you could do it. You never should have just set your goal to “finish”. That was ridiculous. We are in great shape. If you’d seen our 1mile time, YOU would’ve slowed down. At least we didn’t finish terrible. Passed those old people! Aren’t you glad I had you speed up?

Now you know a little bit about what your ego is, what it wants (your misery), why (to gain control) and watched a day in the life of an “ego” (thankfully on “mute” for me!).

Tanya Recommends:

Running. Doesn’t matter if you’ve never done it or aren’t in shape.

Jeff Galloway’s Run/Walk method will work for you. I was flying running 1 minute and walking 1 minute. My ego had a LOT to say about the run/walk method when we began. It thought alternating running and walking was beneath us. We used to be FAST. Semi-pro athletes. Lol.

It works. You can get up off the couch having NEVER run and run your first race in just a few months. It got me through my first Half Marathon (13.1 miles).

There is an app for it too. Thank you Sue for finding it and telling me about it!

Go Run

Want to hear what your ego sounds like? Just announce any badass goal out loud and give it a REAL deadline. The first thoughts you hear, the LOUDEST ones telling you why you can’t, shouldn’t or won’t are your ego. Learn to recognize it’s voice.

Pay attention to how your body feels when ego gives you it’s opinion. It takes practice to discern ego from intuition but once you get it, you’ve got it and you won’t lose the skill.

Want a $50,000 coaching tip? Just do the OPPOSITE of whatever your ego says. About 90% of the time, that will get you where you want to go.

Once your ego knows you are set on a course (committed), it gives up trying to stop you and switches tactics. Watch for any of these: delay, distraction, pushing you too fast or guilt.

My ego began with – don’t run a race (blocking). Moved to – don’t run one right NOW (delay). Once I committed (super critical), it switched to how hard it would be and what it would cost me (distraction).

The ego diverts you by HELPING you do something else. This is why people with relationship problems hide by working more. The ego HELPS them avoid fixing their relationship. Your ego will distract you with “noble”, generous sounding things to make sure you fail.

Another popular tactic is stop you is burn you out. Got a goal? Fine. Do it perfectly. Run like you did 25 years ago. You didn’t? You’re too old to run anymore (guilt).

Wow, Did You Hear?

Boyfriend of a Client Says…

“I’ve just noticed how you don’t seem so overwhelmed anymore…”

She is able to do MORE while feeling LESS stress. And YES, that makes the couple better.