Life

This month talking about Surrender and why you’d want that (and you DO want that). To Surrender you must: Receive, Allow and Ask. 

Last week we got you started by Preparing You to Receive. Receiving is not automatic! Step 2 for Surrendering is Choosing to Allow. Let’s help you do that now…

Short version:

Surrender attracts help from sources stronger than you only if you can take your focus off of what needs changing and trust someone ELSE leading you to safety in their own way. 

Remember when we talked about the Double-Edged Trait of Planning and how being too rigid is bad? Allowing unlocks miracles and lets in things & help beyond your control (which is where almost all the good stuff comes from if you’ll admit it.)

Allowing has two principal parts – Agreeing, where you stop resisting what IS and Following, where you let another lead you.

Part 1: AGREE That Your Adversary is Good aka Turn the Other Cheek (& Other Stuff We Hate)

Whether you read the bible or not, you’ve heard: When someone hurts you/offends you, you should turn the other cheek. What? Seriously? Yep. They just didn’t explain WHY.

Universal Law says whatever you resist (i.e. are ticked off about/trying to change/worrying over) persists. Your focus calls out to the condition & invites it to stay just so you can KEEP focusing on it. Your INSISTENCE that this condition MUST change in order for YOU to be happy, is the exact belief the Universe is trying to get you to change.

When you STOP insisting things need to be different from how they are (i.e. you begin ALLOWING) the condition can fade away.

How do you start AGREEING with your adverse conditions? By knowing the sucky condition is serving a purpose. Then you can allowing it to exist while being less angry in your heart and with less plotting in your head. Get curious about how this situation can HELP YOU. Alphas pretty much hate this plan: Stop trying to FIX the condition and shift your beliefs on what MUST be changed from IT to YOU.

When you NEED things to change, they fight you. When you relax, it’s easier. One reason? People dislike helping desperate, needy people.  This is counter-intuitive but true. When you allow whatever it is with less fight and friction, you increase your ability to shift it.

I have seen marriages saved when they stopped fighting the divorce. Women get pregnant when they stop trying and go to adopt. Weight gets lost when you accept yourself how you are and love gets found when you begin living for your personal happiness instead of “hunting” a mate. 

If what you hate is a teacher, learn the darn lesson already so it can GO!

How to Follow for Alphas (And Other Leaders)

We’ll make this part simple. And for fun, I’ll continue my bible borrowing. This one is: Do Unto Others As You Would Have Done Unto You.

That’s it. That’s how you follow. You accord the person you are surrendering with the SAME respect that YOU would want if YOU were leading them.

Don’t you hate it when people: micromanage, over-question, doubt, debate, undermine, resist, resent and correct you? Yep. Me too.

Do not do these things when your leader is leading you.

If you are surrendered in your relationship, those are ALL big no-nos. If you are surrendered in a business relationship same thing. If you give authority/control to someone, let them LEAD you.

Following is not submissive. For an Alpha or true leader, to follow is a great act of trust. SELF-TRUST.

You have to trust your own call to LET them lead. (FOLLOWING)

You have to trust your Source that the conditions around you are there for a reason. (AGREEING)

Self-trust is core of Allowing.

In Joy,

You made it through the first month – the tough stuff. Now you understand better why you FIGHT with your men and family and friends. Now you see why CONTROL is our default method to keep ourselves safe.

The first step in my coaching is MASSIVE TRUTH. Then we take MASSIVE ACTION leading finally to MASSIVE TRANSFORMATION.  Have you seen yourself in the Fight and Control cycles? Good.

Now let’s paint the yellow brick road to the final phases that Alphas want to reach…SURRENDER.

Yes dear, I know it “sounds” weak. However, it is the most powerful, most wonderful and safest place for you to be. Let’s show you what it looks like….

Short version:

There are 3 steps to Surrender and the first step is learning to Receive, which Alphas are weak at. Receiving is physical and requires you to STOP and then express gratitude for what is being given.

Catch Up Here:- The Alpha Life Cycles – Control Everyone #4, The Alpha Life Cycles – Control Men #3

You’ve heard me say that Alphas are poor receivers. It will make your logical brain very, very happy to now read a FORMULA for receiving! Receiving has a critical EXTERNAL part (Stopping) and an essential INTERNAL part (Gratitude).

When you are done fighting with everyone and trying to force things to happen to make sure you get love, you can begin your journey into Surrender. Surrender is where you get without earning.

Part 1: You Cannot Receive Until You Have Come to a FULL Hard STOP

Stopping is the subtlest and I’ve come to see, the most critical part of receiving. A story will help us here. I ran track back in high school (yes, I was fast in the old days!). I ran on relay teams in different positions, where you wait for the runner ahead of you to hand you a baton. The hand off is CRITICAL. If you blow the handoff, you can lose the entire race.

What was hard? We had to hand off the baton from a runner at the END of her race to a fresh runner STARTING her race. We were both MOVING. It is hard to give something TO a moving target and Alphas won’t stop moving!

You keep pushing, trying, asking, convincing. Even after you say, I’m done. I’m resting. I’ve let it go. You. Have. NOT. Your brain keeps gnawing at it. It keeps you up at night. Familiar?

Do you know why most miracles occur in the 11th hour at the very last moment? Because THAT is the very first moment you were willing to put down the baton that you are running with. That is when you are soo exhausted that you stop by falling to the ground in pure fatigue. You simply cannot go any farther.

To receive from a friend, a loved one, a company, your Source or anything easily you need to STOP making everyone chase your moving target!

This is why prayer works. This is why mediation works. These activities slow you down & pause you so that your good can catch up to you. It would shock you to know that your good is in fact chasing you and you keep moving.

When you want to receive something, use this affirmation or mantra (personalize it with your own words):

I am stopping now. I am done trying to make __________ work/happen. I am ready to receive guidance/help however it arrives. Help me get out of the way and clear the path for my good to easily reach me.

Part 2: To Receive You Have to Be GRATEFUL For What Is Being Given

I love you Alpha. Do you know how you often look at offers of help?

• They don’t think I can do it.
• I don’t want to get used to this because when I goes away, I’m screwed…
• What do they want from me in return?
• They aren’t strong enough to help me…
• I’m almost done anyway, it’s ok.

To be in Surrender you are in a feminine, receiving mode. You are HAPPY to be offered help and your glad acceptance is all the payment good people need to give it.

A begrudging acceptance of help is not grateful. You need only utter and master two words – Thank you.

Preparing yourself to receive means you stopping whatever you are doing and standing physically, mentally and emotionally STILL (you stop controlling). 

You will need to be DELIBERATE about stopping. If you do not do this deliberately, I promise you will still be in motion to control somehow. Once stopped, then prepare yourself to say Thank You to your benefactor. 

Surrender takes practice. This is where we begin…

In Joy,

Yes…ALL of them. Let’s spend a little more time with control.

Short version:

We don’t WANT to be controlling. We have to be. Control protects us from being harmed if others knew our true feelings and makes them meet our needs. 

Last week’s post – The Alpha Life Cycles – Control Men #3, The Alpha Life Cycles – Family Fight #2, The Alpha Life Cycles – Fight Our Men #1

With family, friends and co-workers we take care to add an extra layer of control so they cannot see our true FEELINGS.

Remember, from our families at a young age, we are  taught to be afraid and expect disappointments, abandonments, isolation, abuse and neglect. That leads us to not trust our own value and decisions. That means we can’t trust anybody! (Our very DECISION to trust Person X is suspicious to us.)

Since we are convinced they ARE out to get us, we cannot let them see we aren’t always pulled together. We cannot show weakness. Alphas are apex predators and showing weakness invites attack in predator world.

Once those pesky feelings are safely hidden we can get back to making CERTAIN we get our needs met. We only resort to force if absolutely necessary – we prefer BUYING our love with our Alpha super skills.

Alphas are mercenaries with family, friends and at work by selling our Planning, Analyzing, Crisis Management and Independence skills (See the Double Edged Sword of these Traits HERE). We control people by rescuing them from whatever is chasing them (predators remember??)

I saved you. You owe me LOVE.

We try to arrange everything to protect ourselves from our fears. But this can NEVER work. Despite appearances, your fears are INSIDE of you and their symptoms keep out-picturing OUTSIDE of you. You are fighting the SHADOW, not what caused it!

Example: Overweight is never about the cookies. It’s about what makes you feel vulnerable and afraid that drives you to SEEK the cookies.

Here is something very important to know.  Control is an Alpha’s go to when we are hurt, overwhelmed or in crisis. Alphas always “right their ship” by increasing their control over something or someone. So when your world spins, you will squeeze those around you tighter to protect yourself. 

All this controlling and rescuing repels healthy relationships and convinces us we are indeed on our own. So we keep struggling harder and longer.

Those around you love you and hate you.

Most Alphas have entered the Control Life Cycle and stay there the remainder of their lives, never reaching the Surrender Cycle. Don’t let that be you.

Build a better internal foundation so you can feel safe and loved by you. Then you don’t NEED those around you to donate to your emotional fundraiser before they are ready.

Build a better internal foundation so you can feel safe and loved by you. Then you don’t NEED those around you to donate to your emotional fundraiser before they are ready.

You will not be able to disengage this alone. Sorry. OPTIONS: You ask for help. You wing it (our default plan) or you keep reading free stuff on the web that you aren’t able to fully apply (stop that!).

Here is the irony. To control others and our feelings, we abandon ourselves but we shoot fire at those doing the same to us! If you are ready to break this cycle, come now.

My private coaching is up-leveling and investment is doubling and tripling. If you want me as your guide to get to Surrender, hit reply now to lock in my present rates. 

In Joy,

We spent two weeks talking about why Alphas need to fight and who we love to fight with: our man, our family, friends and coworkers – OK, sort of everyone.

FIGHT is the first Cycle. Next we enter CONTROL.

In our late 20s/early 30s we enter the Control Cycle. This week will talk about how and why we control our men (and no, it does not usually come out well.)

Short version:

We control by rescuing and helping in hopes he won’t leave us and he’ll give us the love and approval we are not giving ourselves.

Last week’s post – The Alpha Life Cycles – Family Fight #2, The Alpha Life Cycles – Fight Our Men #1

Why Am I a Control Freak??

To understand WHY we control our men, you have to understand why we WANT to control everything. Please memorize the following: You only need to control things when you are afraid.

Unfortunately, Alphas are always afraid that somebody (Him!) is going to bail on us. That fear comes from our families (Read Fighting Family #2 from last week). We are convinced our mates won’t meet all our needs, so we have to arrange it ourselves.

That energy of – “I’m going to watch you, guide you, correct you, inspect you AND STILL expect you NOT to do well”, repels a healthy man. It leaves Alphas with softer, Beta Men.

We Make Love a DEBT

The Alphas’ solution to feeling loved is engineering conditions where men aremade to give us with what WE need.

Think about it. The only person that would let themselves be controlled long term is a person who is not a natural leader. Unfortunately, these softer (beta) men still want be seen as strong, treated as men and respected as leaders. The inability to get that respect makes them passive-aggressive eventually.

Passive-aggressive comes after years of letting the Alpha have her way. The average period in a marriage before a beta man starts really acting out is approximately 5 to 7 years in. They start to feel permanently small and broken.

This is when they say yes, but “do” no. They resist, resent, delay and grumble and everybody’s favorite… Explode. The hallmark of these passive-aggressives is stuffing things down and then exploding over a small trigger. The explosion can be verbal or it can be bad behavior.

That crappy behavior reinforces the cycle that convinces YOU that YOU have to stay in control. If you don’t keep pushing them, they won’t keep moving is your logic. If you don’t keep watching them, they screw up is your rationalization.

And every once in a blue moon you leave them in control of something and it… fails. He has the reins so seldom, that he fumbles them under pressure. And then we judge him unworthy and revoke future privileges citing his past performance.

Don’t forget our baking analogy. We’ve decided, that if we just changed 4 or 5 things about the man in front of us, he’d be perfect for us! We bake him to order. So, we figure out what will improve him and make HIS life better and we “explain” that to him. We buy him books and try to get him to take courses. We try to convince him to follow our logic and reasoning and feelings.

We become extremely difficult when things don’t go according to our (head’s) plan and we are easy to get along with when we have our way. THIS IS control and manipulation.

You cannot stop controlling your man unless you begin doing the inner work on trust. The goal is trusting you will receive what you need without directly overseeing it.

The object of coaching in this area is for you to spot when you’re controlling and begin to feel control as undesirable.  You learn how all the things you really want, come when you are not in control of things. (Yep, pretty much the exact opposite of what you think right now.)

Is that hard to do alone? Yep.

Happily, you aren’t alone. Ask me for help now.

In Joy,

We are learning The 3 Life Cycles of the Alpha – the origin of you! Thanks Mom & Dad!

You want the shortest version? You are running around trying to get whatever you DIDN’T get as a child and trying to compensate with your superpowers because you blamed yourself for NOT getting/losing whatever it was.

Last week’s post – The Alpha Life Cycles – Fight Our Men #1

Just Like the Universe, We Were Formed By An (Emotionally) Explosive Event

Last week I told you that we hit an “Abandonment Event” early in our lives that set us on the course to Alpha-dom. Whatever it was, it imprinted you with fear.

I’ll share mine. It is the earliest story I remember that completely shifted my life. It’s about CAKE. Yep, specifically Entenmann’s Louisiana Crunch Cake. Read on!

“The Joke” or How to Damage a 5 Year Old For Life…

My family loved this cake. Mom, dad and older sister (10). My mom decides to divvy up the cake giving each family member their own portion at the beginning of the week. Everyone eats theirs. (Yep, you can see where THIS is going!)

I am 5 and I divide my portion into a few pieces and decide to SAVE IT(Note: have you seen the famous 1970’s Standford Marshmallow test done with 5 year olds? It predicts their future success by ability to defer instant gratification. I pretty much had that nailed!).

Friday finally arrives. My family is at the dinner table and it’s time for dessert! I ask for my last slice of cake. The answer is…sorry, you father took it for his lunch.

And my world crashed.

What do you mean he took MY cake? I planned for this (Alphas are Planners). I sacrificed to have it now and my parents casually tell me it’s gone and they do NOT care how upset I am. In fact, they begin…to laugh over my grief and anger.

I am inconsolable. I cannot imagine a greater injustice than having MY father steal from me and watch MY mother laugh off his offense. I am so upset I announce I am leaving. I’ll run away and flee the table in tears.

I get my Barbie suitcase (loved that thing!) and fill it with whatever a 5 yr old would. I return to the kitchen and see my family is pretending nothing is wrong.

I drag my suitcase loudly and slowly up the stairs to the back door. I open the back door at NIGHT (scary!!) and… no one is stopping me. I am waiting to be STOPPED. Brought back. Hugged and consoled. I made it to the end of the driveway before I collapsed in tears.

And…after what felt like eternity, head hung low when no one came for me, I dragged myself back, heart broken. (Yes, I believe they kept an eye on me and probably thought this was a joke.)

What Did This Event Teach Me INSTANTLY?

• You cannot trust those who say they love you
• Love is NOT safe
• Your preferences are honored only when convenient
• If you are strongest, rules do not apply to you
• Hard work can be taken from you
• You are on your own when you are hurt
• Vulnerability/weakness is punished
• My feelings are little things that don’t matter

It taught me that I was NOT enough and I was not safe with my own family (-> I’m not worthy of love). I learned that ONLY I would provide for and protect me (-> Don’t trust others).  Since I cannot depend on them, I have to stay in control (Next Week!) of others to ensure they do not hurt me or leave me. These are all sabotaging beliefs!

These beliefs are COMMON to Alphas. These are what I work to heal.

Happy Endings ARE Possible

I healed this story only in the last few years. It survived 35 years!! Want the closure of a happy ending?

On a recent trip to my father’s home in Dallas, I discovered one single apple turnover (pastry our family also loves, we like our sweets!) left on the counter. Didn’t eat it. Bought another package.

My dad saw me opening the new package and asked, “Why didn’t you eat the other one?” “It was yours Daddy and the last one.” His reply, “That doesn’t matter. If you wanted it, you could’ve eaten mine.”

And yes, that made me cry. (Tearing up typing it). You can heal your family stuff, no matter how it started or how bad it is. Until you do, the fear based lessons you’ve learned early on will make you FIGHT to get what you need.

You will FIGHT with family, friends and co-workers who you fear will DISAPPOINT. ABANDON. ABUSE or NEGLECT you. You will voluntarily isolate yourself to avoid being left alone!

Alphas FIGHT with the world because we learned that those who most love us don’t always keep us safe.

It is up to YOU to keep you safe FIRST.

Once you do that, you can receive it from others and not before.

In Joy,

Time for our origin story!! The 3 Life Cycles of the Alpha.

Everybody knows that Spiderman was bit by a radioactive spider. And Superman’sparents sent him as an orphan to Earth to save him. Batman‘s wealthy parents were killed by criminals. Wonder Woman was part God, born to an island of female Amazons. (Yep, Alphas!!)

Their origin stories created these heroes and simultaneously gave them their greatest strengths and most profound weaknesses. (Like our Double-Edged Sword Traits of an Alpha – Read Here.)

I’ve been repeatedly asked to tell the origin story of Alpha women. And so I will… It will take two months. What? We’re complicated. If you are a man, read on. You’ll learn why we are wired the way we are.

I will explain to you the three life cycles of the Alpha: Fight. Control and Surrender.

We will spend two weeks on Fight , two weeks on Control and a month onSurrender. That should clue you in to the relative importance of the Surrender phase, which most Alphas never reach.

Let’s explore how we come to fight with our men 🙂

We Fight Out of FEAR of NOT GETTING

Although we will talk about how and why we fight with our family and friends next week, it IS family that started this whole mess. Our families destabilized us by emotionally abandoning us early on, in some way.

When we arrive ready to have a relationship, we have a fear inside of us of not being loved or safe. We don’t trust our man to show up for us and to stay.Unfortunately, we’d learned to make our juvenile world safe by playing commander-in-chief and fighting to get what we need.

So, in the beginning we pursue men who are very similar to us and then fight with them.

THEY are in their masculine (and usually it’s not a healthy masculine, it’s more of an asshole-ish masculine because we don’t pick well at this stage) and WE are in our masculine. It’s like putting two roosters in the same pen – does NOT work.

We will use a baking analogy all through this series. We decide what we want as our cake and we set out to give our “order” directly to him. We want him to remake himself. He should do the mixing this way and the icing this way and use this kind of frosting…

When we try to fix another person, they resent it and fight. It makes them feel like they’re not already good enough. This is ‘like to like’ or the Law of Attraction. The Alpha herself does not feel good enough, because of her initial abandonment, so we find men who are also not good enough.  Then we attempt to fix them.

We do not feel that we can have a man who is already good enough, so we pick ‘fixer uppers’ as projects.

Remember, Alphas are RESCUERS. This is the origin of the rescue. Find someone who is wounded and damaged and heal him and then he HAS to love you, right? He won’t leave you, right?

Unfortunately, as you know, that’s not true. But during the Fight Cycle we don’t know that yet. So, we keep finding men that are identical to us (wounded) and fighting to change him into what we need.

I’ll Make You Better, You GIVE Me Love…

We are demanding he love us and make us SAFE. Wanting to be loved is a doomed attempt to have THEM heal OUR wounds.

For Alphas, the FIGHT CYCLE claims your teens into your 20s. And it is exhausting.

Because Alphas tend to be smart, beautiful and overly accomplished, we originally expected to get a good man easily. We learned we can have what we “earned.“ We become willing to “earn” a man by dealing with the crazy.

Bitter disappointment follows the discovery that men won’t change for the better and won’t stay on our terms. This is the Fight Cycle.

Next week we will explore the Fight Cycle with our friends, families and at work. 

Get ready to see yourself in a mirror! 

In Joy,

This week we will be talking about a disease that kills more people than anything else, I would be willing to including cancer. All cancers.

What is it? STUBBORNESS.

Catch up for August Here – The Double Edged Sword #4 – Too Independent

Everybody knows someone who is stubborn or God help you, maybe it’s you!

What’s really funny, is when people openly ADMIT they’re stubborn! As if this is not a terrible thing to be.  It should be looked at like admitting you are a liar or a thief.

Here’s what stubborn really means: you would rather be right than happy, loved, healthy or wealthy.

Stubborn people will take and keep their own counsel, even when there is someone with experience to know better, willing to advise them. Like Frank Sintra, you insist that you have to do it YOUR WAY.

If you’re overweight, you’re stubborn. You know what you need to do and you won’t do it. If you don’t have enough money, you’re stubborn.There’s about 1000 different ways for you to improve your financial situation but you are not executing on them.

Note: before your head tries to get involved in any excuses and defenses around this, I did NOT say that those thousand ways were EASY. I did NOT say they were COMFORTABLE. I did NOT say they don’t involve big effort, investment and even downright pain.

The same thing holds true with getting your health in order. In fact, here is a truth about the process to get ANYTHING in order: Anything that’s out of order will require the application of extra energy to the chaos to straighten it out.

Stubborn people won’t put in the extra and won’t accept guidance to improve their process.

You Will Need to “FORGE” Something New

And although it’s fallen out of use, people formerly used the word “Forge” not just for metal, but in reference to “forging” someone’s personality and character.

You probably never tried to be a blacksmith, hammer metal or forge steel. (It’s FUN!)  But you get the idea. When something is crooked and we want it straight, there’s a lot of freaking hammering, heat and sweat.

If your health, wealth, love or mission are crooked and you want it straightened…be prepared to apply some heat, some hammering and some sweat.

Stubborn folks do a little, see no results and declare all FUTURE, similar efforts futile. Then they proceed to make themselves right.

When you’re done being stubborn (and right), you can forge something new out of the soft metal of your life. When you’re ready for that, hit reply and contact me.

In Joy,

This week is the last of our 4 strong Alpha traits that lead to over-focusing on the strength and ignoring it’s weakness! Hello you Lone Wolves. Yes, we are Planners, Analyzers and Crisis Managers.

Let’s take a look at you Alpha as totally INDEPENDENT.

Catch up Here – The Double Edged Sword #3 – The Rescuers , The Double Edged Sword #2 – The Analyzers, The Double Edged Sword #1 – The Planners

Super Power Trait: Independence

Skill Set: Toact alone, without support, in the face of difficulty and succeed.

Weakness: Your amazing independence trait make you ISOLATED. The better you are handling things alone, the HARDER it is for you to ask for, receive and work with the SUPPORT of others.  Because you are EPIC at going it alone, you subconsciously reject help to stay alone. 

Superpower Independence makes you sabotage the love, support and guidance actually available to you.

How does that screw you up?

You get used to fighting alone. Conan, Rocky, The Terminator, Rambo. All Lone Wolves, always getting ready for battle alone and under the hardest conditions. Your life becomes that “getting ready for battle against impossible odds” fight prep montage scene in every action movie!

Here is the cycle: In the beginning you are wrongly abandoned by someone/s (usually family) and left to fend for yourself. Abandonment is the most common core wound of an Alpha woman.  You are forced to struggle and win ALONE.

Next, you try asking for some little help and that becomes a nightmare, often ending with an “I will help you” that always turns into… “Just can’t make it this time!” That gets old QUICK. Easier to plan to do it alone than be surprised by people bailing on you, right? (We all think that.)

Result? You stop asking. You stop EXPECTING dependable support. You start attracting victims who really cannot support you. That forces you to become even MORE Independent. The trap springs shut and the cycle is locked!

Alphas don’t ask for help. When you do, you tend to ask people who are wiggly who perfectly fit our “we are on our own” world view. It is critical that you start believing that help is not only available but it is your right to receive it while working on your life’s purpose.

Surrender to Allow Support So You Can Lead & Be Loved

A good leader doesn’t do all the work or play all the spots on a team. A great leader attracts capable people and can allow support . We all know what it is like to work for someone who does not value our skills and insists on doing everything! Don’t be that person.

You cannot inspire confidence if you are not growing the trust of those around you.  We trust you if you can see how we can contribute and LET SOMEONE ELSE DO IT.

Love? I could teach on this for a month (hmm, maybe I will…).

Men (the masculine) protects and provides. If YOU are always doing the protecting and providing, where have you left room for a healthy man in your life?

Alphas squish, squash, intimidate, feminize and neuter men. Yep, I said it. Often you don’t even realize that you are doing that. I didn’t. I just thought I was being “independent” and protecting myself from repeats of past hurts. That led to a cycle of me attracting WEAK men who would fail to support me and me saying “See! I was right!!”

If your marriage is a constant fight or in it’s 4th year of “roommate” land – something is WRONG. You need to take aggressive (we are good at that!) action right now to either save this marriage or tell the truth that it’s a 1973 Ford Pinto that really doesn’t need more “repairs” to keep it on the road.

You cannot be in a healthy, loving relationship and maintain total independence and control. What would be the point?

Surrendering total independence to have a healthy team, healthy marriage and healthy spiritual relationship with your Source is NOT a punishment! Its a freakin’ reward! Remember being the sleepy little kid in the back seat while your dad drove the family home late a night?  That was AWESOME.

We are stubborn about the “value” of our independence.  Knowing when to be Independent and when to be Surrendered is very tricky for Alphas.  It took me years and tens of thousands of dollars of study. If you want me to speed that up for you, click here.

Get clear on this my lovely one: You are not better off alone.  You can attract in the love and support you really want WHEN we do the work on you to heal what forced you into early independence and isolation.

I am finding lots of Alphas became the “adult” in their families during childhood. That was me. After my parents divorced, I lived with my father and ran the house & creditors for him before I even had a period.  If that was you, hit reply and let me know!

You are beautiful and powerful and do not have to go it alone. Lower your armor (defenses) and learn how to let in support. It takes a village to build a child AND a millionaire, so you need help to unlearn what has kept you safe up until now.

In Joy,

Alphas have 4 clear traits that get us praise and bring us misery. When something is wrong, if they can’t find Superman, they call us. Yes, we are Planners and Analyzers.

Let’s look at you Alpha as the CRISIS MANAGER.

Catch up Here – The Double Edged Sword #2 – The Analyzers, The Double Edged Sword #1 – The Planners

Super Power Trait: Crisis Management

Skill Set: To enter situations in turmoil and bring order out of chaos, often without adequate resources, help or time.

Weakness: Your amazing crisis management skills make you NEGATIVE. The better you are navigating situations where everything is screwed up, the HARDER it is for you to attract and thrive in situations where everything is just fine. Because you are EPIC at defeating struggle, you expect, look for and attract struggle. 

Superpower crisis management (which is another word for an Alpha’s favorite activity – rescuing!) makes you a full time WARRIOR.

How does that screw you up?

Warriors need BATTLES. Warriors start fights. Warriors feel unappreciated, rejected and lost without a struggle and a cause to “fight for.”

I spent over 15 years running my own high-conflict divorce law firm. Yep, read that again – high-conflict divorce law firm! It wasn’t even a normal divorce law firm, it was a “things are super screwed up, epic multi-year battle” law firm.

My cartoon avatar (from before people even had those) with a black woman in a blue business suit holding a briefcase and a massive Thor hammer. Warrior me!

I only ever got cases where things went crazy. I expected things to go crazy, I attracted cases where things went crazy and I excelled at handling the crazy. 

And then, because I was still human, I complained about all the crazy! 😉 

Friday nights, the law firm officially closed at 5 PM, but we never really left until after 6 PM, because we expected the evil opposing counsels to send us a sneaky, late Friday night faxes with something stupid in it – like, “we’re not turning the children over for visitation this weekend unless you confirm in writing in the next 10 minutes and it’s Friday at 6:30 PM” (Yes, that happened).

The double edge sword of being really good at handling all types of messes is that EVERYTHING in your life begins to reflect your strength, mess wrangling.

My relationships with my family, friends, clients and even my wealth all reflected my need to feel approval gained by rescuing someone or something from their crisis.

Time for Tanya’s two favorite coaching words: STOP IT.

The Real Goal is For Your Good to Simply FLOW To You

If your job has elements of rescuing (and for most alphas it will) keep it at work. If you don’t begin valuing things that you can receive without struggle, easily and in flow – you’ll stay a warrior your entire life.

Warriors often end up wounded and alone or die in battle.

Use your skill set, but consciously cultivate a desire, appreciation and a preference for that which is easy and peaceful. 

Start by noticing your language around things that come easily. Just like last week, I had you notice your language around other people’s feelings – check your head around anything that looks “easy.“

Do you hear yourself thinking?

Too easy…That won’t work… There’s got to be a catch… It won’t last… It’s too good to be true… She didn’t work for it…He took the “easy” way out…

Remember the days where if you called a woman “easy“ that was a huge insult? And now all these dating books tell you that you need to be more“difficult” to get a good man??

Can you see how the world has devalued things that are EASY and set you up to praise things that are difficult?

Surrender your need for struggle and break free of the cycle.

You can be good at fixing other people’s disasters while learning how to STOP attracting so many to yourself.

Ask me how.

In Joy,

We are learning 4 of the strongest traits of an Alpha. Our tendency is to focus only on our advantage and ignore it as a weakness. Yes, we are Planners.

Now, Let’s look at you Alpha as the ANALYZER.

Last week’s Trait – The Double Edged Sword #1 – The Planner

Super Power Trait: Analyzing

Skill Set: The ability to use your mind to see new perspectives, project consequences, quantify, clarify and collect information and most importantly, spot future problems.

Weakness: You are superhuman analyzing skills tend to make you HARD. The better you are analyzing, the more you like to use your logic and mind to solve ALL problems. That makes you less capable of solving emotional and relationship problems especially where fear is present – because fear is illogical. 

Superpower planning makes you naturally contemptuous of those “messy” emotions.

How does that screw you up?

You minimize feelings and exalt plans and “figuring it out”.

You’re educated enough to know that humans have three different brains.

The last brain that developed is the logical, reasoning and thinking brain or the New Brain.

The second oldest brain which governs the limbic system is also called the Mammalian brain and it is your emotional center.

The very first brain, is the so-called “reptilian brain“ and it runs your body’s physical systems.

Can you see it?  Breathing. Emotions. Thinking. In THAT Order!

Science shows you what you already know, emotions come before logic. We decide everything emotionally first and logically second. Yet, we all lie to ourselves and think we are logical FIRST.

Alphas are highly skilled analyzers, but it comes at a cost to our ability to be able to handle and process emotions. And emotions can actually be a more useful skill than logic. (Think Mr. Spock from Star Trek…)

One of the words you want to watch for is efficiency. Anytime you’re trying to be “efficient”, you are in your analyzer! Your analyzer could give zero flips about people’s feelings IF their feelings cause gross amounts of inefficiency.

Oh, and just for fun, that includes YOUR feelings too.

Allow Your Feelings

The solution is to surrender to the way that you’re wired, which is to allow your feelings to BE important.

If you do not allow your feelings to be important, others will also not treat your feelings as important. Oddly enough, it will bother you when they do to you, what YOU do to you!

Alphas teach their children to de-prioritize their feelings to come up with the best plan, be efficient, get the results and achieve.

When running a corporation aiming to maximize profit, doing that can be a good thing in the short term. When running a life or a company you want to be sustainably healthy, not so much.

Repeat after me – feelings count. My feelings count. Their feelings matter.

There is one thing I found that is critical to secure the ongoing allegiance of an Alpha. Your Alpha leader must solicit and/or protect your feelings.  They cannot only be analyzers.

Notice your thoughts around the emotions you see in others (soft, lazy, annoying, weak…). Whatever you think of THEIR emotions, you think of yourself when YOU have the same emotion.

Start allowing your feelings with less judgment. It will open you up to feel emotionally more available (and therefore Lovable!) to those around you.

Add an “emotions” analysis going forward to check yourself and others! It’s its on a checklist, you’ll do it.

In Joy,