Life

Now for HOW TO SET BOUNDARIES! Last week we learned WHY YOU WANT BOUNDARIES.

Don’t worry. I am going to give you a fool proof way to do it. It has 2 parts, spotting the boundary needed and then applying it. 

Just follow this recipe to spot your boundary.

Ingredients for Boundary Setting:

1.) A Resentment 

Your resentments are usually red flags that a boundary has been crossed.

2.) A Needy/Greedy Person

They will be focused on their hurt, their pain and your ability to fix them.

3.) And an Alpha who trades her skills for being loved/needed/approved of

SHAKE.

What comes out of your mouth in irritation that you NEVER tell the other person?

THAT is your boundary.

The Boundary You Need to Have is Usually Obvious

Here is a light example. People will text me to ask for my help and they don’t know what I am doing when they contact me. (The reason I encourage clients to email me is because a text will ALWAYS interrupt you, even if you choose not to respond right then.) Often these texts will appear as I’m sitting down to eat.

Resentment- why can’t I ever eat in PEACE?!?

+ Needy person- someone texting me at dinner time with their honey on fire

+ Alpha long used to putting others needs ahead of her own =

I help them and then say out loud “They need to not bother me while I am eating.”

THAT IS THE BOUNDARY

 How to Apply (Set) Your Boundary

We are keeping this simple.

1. Inform your Needy Person of your “new” boundary when nothing is going on, meaning they aren’t breaking it at that moment.

2. Ask them to HELP you keep your new boundary. This makes them a trusted “confidant” instead of a high maintenance project friend. Their egos will WANT to be the person who is HELPING you.

3. Notice how guilty or uncomfortable you feel in ASKING FOR YOUR OWN PROTECTION. That is a self-worth alarm signal. In the beginning this discomfort is to be expected and is a sign you are going the right direction.

4. Next time “the thing” happens do your very best to engage as LITTLE AS POSSIBLE. Meaning, don’t return that text, call or whatever until enough time has passed that the Needy person will be forced to recall #1.

5. When you contact them again, express the hope that they got whatever sorted out on their own AND SHUT UP. Do not offer copious explanations about why YOU needed YOUR OWN TIME and RESOURCES. This will be VERY HARD. Do not stay for the “what-had-happened-was” as this is a back door attempt to get you to fix it anyway.

Want examples of boundaries I and my Alphas have screwed up?

Working on weekends, loaning money to bad risks, lending cars, forgiving repeat emotional offenders, time vampires, supporting emotional black holes, chatting during focus time, keeping children from making mistakes/getting consequences, bringing work into romance, giving away professional services to friends (everyone wants to take me for a $10 burger to solve their $8K divorce!), emergencies cancelling our meditation/fitness time, handling repeat crisis folks…

FYI, often the boundary breaker is YOU. Use the same process and recruit yourself to your own cause. 

Next week, we’ll talk about how to recover when folks break your boundaries (stated or not). 

In Joy,

Would you smile if I said “You need better boundaries…” Probably not. What if I said, “You can have the freedom you want.” Thought so!

This month we will work in an under-served area, showing you WHY You Want Boundaries, HOW You Set Boundaries and critically, How to RECOVER When Boundaries are Broken.

Behind the door of boundaries lies your freedom, let me show you…

Catch up last month – Build The Perfect Square of Life – Mission

First, Some Myths About Boundaries

Myth #1 – Boundaries Are About Other People

At its core, boundaries are about the relationship you have with you. They are more about you, then others. Your agreements with you impact others. Thus boundaries are indirect to others and direct to you.

Myth #2 – Boundaries Are Rules To Enforce

The connotation of the word “rule” is negative and inflexible. If you think of boundaries in this way, you will not want to set them, use them and will feel resistant when you encounter others’ boundaries.

Think of your boundaries less like a rule and more like an insurance policy guaranteeing you can build your perfect square of Health, Wealth, Love and Mission.

Myth #3- Boundaries Make You Bitchy

Nope. Know who is the most bitchy? Women without boundaries! Constantly being pushed and shoved and helped last IS the prime driver of bitchiness. How you select and manage your boundaries can be done without drama.

Boundaries Are Our Requests For Respect

Think of someone you know that lets everyone take advantage of her. Do you respect her? No. Pity, maybe. Respect? No.

Respect is not the default for humans. We are pack animals. Pack animals have to find their place in the pack and their tier in the tribe. No  one knows who the alphas are until they test their boundaries.

Respect is determined more by your boundaries and what you WON’T tolerate than from what you want and ask for. You cannot directly ask for respect (another indirect thing!). You “ask for” your current level of respect by not accepting any behavior below that.

Respect gives you freedom to choose and attracts support for those choices. Therefore, Boundaries give you Freedom.

Boundaries are Awesome. Who has more boundaries, a very poor person or a very wealthy person? That is NOT a coincidence!

You are valuable, protect YOU.

In Joy,

This is the corner Alphas love! We are Mission oriented. Let’s dive in.

First, a Mission is HOW you do your PURPOSE. See the catch? You need to reveal your Purpose BEFORE your Mission.

Your Purpose is about you and at the core of it, FOR YOU.

If you think you know Your Purpose and it’s to help impoverished women, you are not quite there yet.

Why not? Read on!

Catch up here – The Perfect Square of Life – Love, The Perfect Square of Life – Wealth, The Perfect Square of Life – Health

Mission is Another Indirect Goal Like Money or Weight Loss 

Not a single life or soul incarnated to this time to do something for someone else. (No soul is in danger or needs saving!) The soul’s goal is the soul’s personal growth and fulfillment. You first! THAT goal, however, is always accomplished in connection with and in service to others.

Remember, I am the INDIRECT GOALS Coach.

Alphas often mess up Mission because they seek to accomplish FOR others what they are NOT doing FOR themselves.

Your Purpose is YOUR joy and expansion by doing your lessons.

Your Mission is HOW you create that joy and expansion.

My Purpose? I am a Teacher. So teaching ANYTHING lights me up (my wording for joy). Teaching Alphas is extra special because I get to save others from all the tom foolery I suffered. Yep, it’s me rescuing YOU and you know how we LOVE to rescue.

My Purpose & Mission Blended:

I feel lit up when I help Alphas stop struggling for success in Health, Wealth, Love and Mission.

To build your Mission you do not need to be clear on the HOW first, you need to be clear on the soul deep WHAT. What brings YOU joy?

Hint: Your Superpowers will be connected to your Mission. The Universe always gives you tools to do what you will naturally WANT to do to bring in your joy.

Warning: Make sure you aren’t excluding money from mission. People may think of Missions as pure “do goodery” but Missions without money usually fail.

 No Mission Works Well Without Self-Love

If you don’t love yourself this complicates your Mission incredibly. Beware this thinking…

“I want my Mission. Hmm, I need my Purpose. Ok, Purpose is what makes ME feel joy… But I am not worthy of joy yet…My joy shouldn’t come first! I don’t have TIME to find what brings me joy…” Meaning? You aren’t loving you very well. 

Soo…you either skip Purpose or stop at the level where your Purpose is for things OUTSIDE of you (i.e., impoverished women). Nope. Not allowed!

Without your Purpose set up for YOU, your Mission is built on a wrong foundation. It’s like trying to build a house starting on the second floor.

-> Build your Mission as a natural self-expression of what brings you JOY.

Go Build Your Mission.

In Joy,

Thanksgiving was yesterday. See my crock pot turkey pics below! I’ll also make my famous turkey again for Christmas, as my mate has NEVER eaten Turkey!!

I am not a fan of Black Friday Sale/s because of the push energy with it is a bit crazy! I am doing something waaay different! I’m going to let YOU tell me what you want AND what you’ll pay. Why?

I am throwing myself a MOVING FROM THE US Sale! 

I am going on the travel adventure of a lifetime and leaving the US for the entire next YEAR! Surprise! Yep, I am moving! Liquidating my house, selling my stuff and everything in between! Australia, New Zealand, Philippines, Bali and Asia here I come.

Why is this good news for YOU…??

Tanya’s Generic Coaching Offer

This Generic Coaching Offer is the ONLY opportunity for YOU to tell me what your struggle/s are and OFFER me a price to get customized help. I’m going to put together packages that will solve or improve whatever you write me  about!

Here’s How it Works:

1) You tell me who you are (name, email, contact), 

2) Tell me what your struggles are and

3) YOU make me an OFFER to pay for your help

(just type in your amount in USD from $10-$9,000+) 

4) Give me that info here: What I Need Fixed & What I’ll Invest , it’s that easy!

I will help you the best I can! Of course, the higher offers get the best of the best, including private coaching and even custom hypnotherapy recordings for you to use forever.

You want to break the damn piggy bank for this. Trust me. You can put an extra $200 under the tree (so the kids feel happier for another 46 mins) OR you can figure out what’s ruining your marriage…

Been reading me for years and never raised your hand? Go for it now.

New readers, old readers, current and former clients – all welcome 🙂

So are you ready? I am excited to see what you need and help you! Click the blue button and ASK FOR WHAT YOU NEED, PAY WHAT YOU CHOOSE.

Expires 5 days – 7 am Tuesday EST November 27th OR sooner if I get too many. The sooner you ask the better the bite of apple you get! Money can buy solutions and speed. Use yours for you now.

 You can also GIFT my help to a friend. 

This is a way better gift than another shower gel (giving my extras to the homeless). You don’t have to describe what she needs, just her contact info and we’ll send you a gift certificate set up in your amount. 🙂

 I WANT TO MAKE AN OFFER! 

In Joy,

The 4 Corners of Life: Health, Wealth, Love and Mission. Let’s Build your Love Corner today.

This is the corner Alphas like to leave for LAST. If I had a dollar for every time an Alpha told me, she “just needed to get to X money goal or Y health goal and THEN she could make time to focus on Love.”

I’m calling you Alphas out. You will just keep building your goals bigger and bigger to avoid this one. This corner is always weak for us because Alphas have trust issues and love requires trust in self and others.

Catch Up Here – #1 Build Your Health, #2 Build Your Wealth

Perfecting Your Love Corner Brings You New Skills

When you are doing WELL in the Love Corner here is what you can do: 

1) Compassion. Hold space for a person you love while they hit THEIR lesson, get triggered and misbehave WITHOUT you running or punishing them and Commitment – DONE WHILE simultaneously continuing to do your OWN lessons.

2) Forbearance. Not insist you are right, even when you truly ARE CORRECT, if that insistence causes more disharmony than not (i.e., you’d rather be Happy than Right)

3) Truth. Rigorous with yourself and forgiving with others. You never look on truth and ignore, minimize or “not” see it. You act, even when it will hurt you or another and before you “count the cost” of acting.

4) Help. You ask for it. You receive it. You allow it. You offer it less (Alphas are wired to the masculine and overgive to control things). You learn how important it is that others feel they ARE WELCOME to help you and that you VALUE their help. Let someone else feel like a Badass once in awhile Alpha.

5) Peacefulness. You stop struggling for everything and noticing that the things that you really want are coming more easily with less effort. That epiphany opens up your life to feeling peaceful for the first time.

These new and stronger traits will enhance your love for you and will bring or deepen the love you are receiving from others. Remember the secret to life from last week? How you feel about love in your life BEFORE it arrives will determine if or how it does.

When you feel the 1-5 consistently, epic love will find you like it did me.

Buzzwords today? Vulnerability & Authenticity

You do not need a book or course in Vulnerability. Just stop f@#%ing lying to yourself and love will work better.

You cannot keep putting your need for love behind your kids, your business and your friends and have a good life. You cannot keep pretending the faux love your receive is enough. You are DYING, you are running out of time to have what you want. You must do it now.

If you don’t know how to love you, no one else does EITHER. 

“Perhaps we should love ourselves so fiercely, that when others see us they know exactly how it should be done. ” Rudy Francisco

Begin to Build your Love Alpha. I’ve got you.

In Joy,

Would you like me to make LIFE super easy to understand?

How you feel while you DON’T have what you want, determines how fast it arrives (or if it will show up at all). This is true for Wealth & EVERYTHING. Never said this so clearly before. Ok, now on to wealth!

First, most of you are just plain fixated on money. And please note that WEALTH has not ever meant just money.

To build this corner of the Perfect Square of your Life, you have to stop trying/efforting/engineering and PUSHING to create money.

Example: Money and love are very similar. Money behaves like a pretty girl. What happens when you fixate on her, chase her, call her too much, think & talk about her all the time? She thinks you are CRAZY and avoids you (and in some places an order of protection or restraining order ensues!).

Many of you don’t know it, but your Money has a Restraining Order out on you!

Money is just proof of how many people you are helping while deeply believing in your own personal value. When you believe in your value, you don’t try too hard or push.

Last week’s training –  Build Your Perfect (Square of) Life – #1 Health

Remember this- Wealth is CHOICE and Choices Make FREEDOM.

It’s More a Feeling & Energy than OBJECT

That was really important advice worth repeating. Wealth is choices and choices give freedom. Those are the two HIGHEST values for Alphas. Uncoached Alphas mistake Wealth for money and chase it and find it’s hard to get and hold.

YOU can stop making that mistake now. Money is a BAD GOAL. 

My definition of Wealth: Unlimited Time to Make Unlimited Choices

Inherent in this is security (a woman’s highest need) while choosing. 

To build your Wealth Corner you want to figure out how to increase your ability to CHOOSE. To get there will require investment (time, comfort, resources, you DIYers might even have to hire a COACH!!) but once you break free of the limited choice place you currently occupy, you’ll start tasting FREEDOM.

On a call with one of my older Alphas (average age of my Alphas 40-60) and she was saying she wants to do humanitarian work and be “well paid.” I stopped her right there. NOT because you cannot be paid well to do noble work. Nope, but because that is a good example of the traps you fall into.

She didn’t so much need to be PAID well as to achieve the feeling of zero concern about money for her needs. THAT is different. When you say “paid well” you limit yourself. It could be someone who gives her a home, a car, covers every expense including all luxury travel plus a stipend. That would be a DREAM for her, but it technically isn’t being “paid well.” Be careful what you demand Alpha! Your words create and are powerful. 

Wealth is a barometer to self-worth and focus. 

Stop Trying to MAKE Money and Become VALUABLE

Whatever excuse you have for not providing your full value to the world (and the most common is you really don’t believe in YOUR OWN value, I didn’t either) Stop It. 

Begin to Build your Wealth.

In Joy,

Florence Scovel Shinn is a Master Teacher for me.

She wrote “The Game of Life and How to Play It” and it changed my life. She taught that life is meant to be a perfect square: Perfect Health, Wealth, Love and Self-Expression (I call this Mission).

While she passed away 78 years ago, her work was seminal in the New Thought Christian movement and is the nucleus of many of our most famous motivational speakers, leaders and coaches.

I teach struggling Alphas to build their own perfect square of life. So we will spend this month working on each corner one at a time. I know you are in a hurry, Stop It!

Last week’s training – Why You REALLY Want to Be Wrong… 

Truth Time! Your Health Is A Good Self-Love Meter

Do not fool yourself one second longer.

The time you are NOT taking and making to sleep 8 hours, eat life giving, real food and put in MORE physical maintenance to balance out the deterioration of aging IS telling you how YOU value you or NOT.

Remember, weight loss is a crappy goal.

How you interact with your body not only tells you the TRUTH of your own feelings about you but is either HELPING you reach your goals (Fasting Can Make You Money) or hurting your plans.

When I teach building your perfect square, we start with health because money, love and purpose are hard to enjoy for a bedridden person. 

Here is the clarion call made simple. You must start looking at little slips of health like they are HUGE. If you treat 3lb weight gain like 20lbs you’ll never GET TO 20 lbs.  I have a friend that is 30+ up and she just hit the “emergency, this HAS to shift” button. Do not wait that long.

Look for the spot where you start to slip and criminalize it. Do not let yourself go more than 2 days with your sleep messed up. Do not let yourself get more than 2 days off your workout. 170 lbs is my Tanya is SCREWING UP weight.

Whatever the line is, draw it now.

Health is a barometer to self-love and discipline. If you are weak in one, you are usually weak in both. My mate is at his lowest weight in 20 years, down 7+ kilos (more than 15lbs) in less than 2 months because his self-love jump started his discipline.

How Do You Turn the Ship Around?

First, tell the truth so aggressively that it makes you uncomfortable. (I’m a good coach for dropping truth like it’s a grand piano). You NEED that discomfort to motivate you to hit the “time to change” button.

Then, take the tiniest step you can find to take right now. So small it’s stupid. (I may trademark that!) Take a step so small your mind (ego) will tell you it’s stupid. Like drink ONE glass of water before bed. Good. It’s also so easy you won’t resist it and will do it.

Do that tonight. Do it again tomorrow.

Do you know what will happen if you take small steps around 3-5 times? 

Momentum kicks in! And it is your BFF.

Alphas will buy a Ninja blender, $25 in veggies, new leggings, look at rejoining the gym, set a 5 am alarm…

WAY TOO MUCH LOVE!

Overdoing will burn it out. Baby steps. Micro commitments. 

Build your health in tiny little pieces until you have momentum and can make larger commitments ONE at a time.

There is no excuse. Do not ask me how to make money or find love or live your purpose when you won’t care for your one & only body. Why would the Universe bless you with ANY of those before you demonstrated basic self-love?

The discipline to NOT eat that donut is the discipline to build your empire.

DO ask me for all that if you are starting to take BETTER care of you 🙂

You already know what to do. Get on it! Begin to Build your Health.

In Joy,

3 Steps to Understanding Why:

1 – Your ego always wants to be RIGHT so you are kept SAFE. Right = Safe

2 – New things are a danger to SAFETY, so you’ll be MADE to feel wrong if you approach them, as a deterrent.

3 – If you aren’t happy in any area, you’ll need to do something new, which is “dangerous” and will feel WRONG to your head.

Your ego dictates your beliefs so thoroughly that you stop noticing it doing its dirty work.  Your head puts a discomfort barrier between you and what you NEED to do.

Relationships Require Risk to Generate Growth

In relationships, you are always being called to the next higher version of yourself. To reach this next version, you need to uplevel ‘aka’ learn the next new lesson.

Your ego will resist this because a) it’s new and therefore unknown and unsafe and b) growth is about love and egos are fueled by fear. 

If you got that, you should now WANT to be made wrong.

I’ve often begun a coaching call with these words:

“There is something you THINK you are RIGHT about,

that you are WRONG about and

you need to be WILLING to be made wrong

so you can move the block you don’t know you have

to get what you really want.”

(Read that again, it’s that important)

Wrong = New = Dangerous -> Avoided

It is in your discomfort and willingness to be wrong that will break you free to your next highest level.

Otherwise, as long as you continue to be RIGHT, you stay put.

To love requires you to do something new, something uncomfortable and something therefore unsafe. Your ego will make you WRONG to keep you from doing any of that.

The hardest (and most loving) things I do as a coach is stand still and call you to the truth. I drop truth like grand pianos and I stand with you while it hits. If you stop running and really look into the areas that you think are just fine, you’ll often see a veneer covering up wounds.

Ask me to do this for you now…

In Joy,

The last two months I have been teaching you about the 3 Life Cycles of An Alpha. Let’s put it all together now! If you missed any bits, this will refresh you all in one go.

In the Beginning There is the FIGHT

In the beginning of our lives, into our middle twenties we FIGHT for everything.

We Fight Our Men: The Alpha herself does not feel good enough, because of her initial family abandonment, so we find men who are also not good enough. Then we attempt to fix them.

We do not feel that we can have a man who is already good enough, so we pick ‘fixer uppers’ as projects.

Remember, Alphas are RESCUERS and this is the origin of the rescue. Find someone who is wounded and damaged and heal him and then he HAS to love you, right? He won’t leave you, right?

Unfortunately, as you know, that’s not true. But during the Fight Cycle we don’t know that yet. So, we keep finding men that are identical to us (wounded) and fighting to change HIM into what we need.

We Fight Our Family/Friends/Co-Workers: You are running around trying to get whatever you DIDN’T get as a child (approval & love) from folks who don’t have it either! You compensate in these relationships with your superpowers because you blame yourself for NOT being loved.

Note: Soft Alphas fight initially and then get more used to giving in unless cornered.

Weary of Fighting, Late 20’s+ We Seek Control

Why do we control our men? (shh, we call it “helping”)

We control by rescuing and helping in hopes he won’t leave us and he’ll give us the love and approval we are not giving ourselves.

Why do we want to control everybody else?

We don’t WANT to be controlling. We have to be. Control protects us from being harmed to cover up our true fears inside. It is also how we make people meet our needs for love & approval.

We are love and approval addicts. (Read: How I Got Off Drugs)

We Need to SURRENDER the Need to Fight and Control to Be Loved

Here are your 3 steps to Surrender:

Step #1 The Physical Action is Learning to Receive, which Alphas are weak at. It requires you to intentionally STOP and then express gratitude for what is being given.

Step #2 The Mental Action is Choosing to Allow. Surrender attracts help from sources stronger than you, only if you can allow your focus to shift away from what needs changing and follow someone ELSE leading you to safety in their own way.

Step #3 The Feelings are you Confidently Asking and feeling relief WHILE asking for the help, because your expectation of aid has no doubts. You are not waiting until help is received to relax.

Admit that you fight. Notice that you control. Surrender the need to be right and let love grow.

Re-read all of the training posts in areas you are weak. Need help? Ask.

In Joy,

In learning how to Surrender this month, we’ve talked about Preparing to Receive and Choosing to Allow.

Now for some sexy stuff! Confidently Asking is the last leg of surrender.

Short version:

You are Confidently Asking when you feel relief WHILE asking for the help, because your expectation of aid has no doubts. You are not waiting until help is received to relax. 

Hint: Some well studied sage suggested “Pray believing you have it”. And in his language, the word “prayer” translated similar to the word COMMAND.

Claim or Command Your Help Confidently

To get a better handle on claiming -I’m going to ask you a series of questions.

• How often do you claim victory, when you don’t know how to make it happen?

Most Alphas will only claim success or feel good (i.e. in control) when they are,in fact, in control! If they don’t know HOW an end is to be obtained, they do not feel optimistic or happy about it.

This is the exact opposite of surrender. In surrender you are not the only one on your side, so you can foresee good outcomes beyond your resources.

• How often do you use (claim) your ability to ask for help, without procrastination or worry?

Confidently asking for help is a skill set you want to practice. If you find yourself only asking after much procrastination and worry, you aren’t surrendering.

Confident asking doesn’t not wait until you bottom out. It’s also NOT confident asking to ask but still “keep the problem active in your head”. Remember Stopping.

• How often do you claim peace in the middle of your struggles?

When you ask for help, if you believe you’ll really receive it, you’ll feel peace right when you ASK- not after the help is given.

Think back to see if you felt peaceful AS you asked for help or if you only felt peaceful once you could CONFIRM the result.

When your Alpha (your leader) is healthy, they WANT you to ask with a comfortable sense of confidence.

Don’t you love it when a friend brings you her worry with, “I just know you’ll know what to say to help me feel better.”  That confidence is really a blessing to the Alpha receiving it.

Expectations Should Follow Claiming or Commanding

When we talk about expectations, the biggest thing I see, is that it is confused with hope. I’ve previously discussed that hope is a four letter word.

Hope is a problem because Hope has doubt in it. Doubt is fear. That is energy going the wrong way!

Expectations are very powerful, because expectations have positive anticipation backed with certainty.

Am I telling you that you should be able to rely 100% on everything someone tells you or promises you? Of course not. But if the other person is your Alpha, they have the ability to lead you in the motivation to protect you.

When your alpha says something will be so, you expect it.

Now to pull off a biblical hat trick (I’m fairly certain that combination of words has never been used in history! A hat trick is a slang for pulling off three of something, usually three goals in a hockey game).

In a few places, the Bible references becoming like a little child will get you everything you want.  That’s really about expectation and faith without doubt.

If you told hey child you know that you were taking them to Disney World next week, if you were their Alpha, they would believe you. They would expect to go.

Surrender needs that level of expectation of security and kept promises. When you have that, the Universe’s rules for Expectation kick in.

Surrender done right is NOT for the meek. It is valiant and beautiful and well rewarded.

Surrender done right is NOT for the meek. It is valiant and beautiful and well rewarded.

Next week we’ll summarize the 3 Alpha Life Cycles: Fight, Control & Surrender.

In Joy,