Author:Tanya Stewart, Esq.

I have something brewing for you today! I found a coach similar to me with a focus on Perfectionism! How cool is that?

She’s hosting The Worthy Woman Interview Series and it’s good.

Because life is HARD when you have to be perfect.

REAL TALK: Women prefer to handle things on our own. (So, ALPHA!) We try so hard to get it “right” to shield ourselves and family from problems popping up, when the truth is – there is nothing WRONG with NEEDING HELP and ASKING FOR IT!

When struggles come, we feel….

ALONE

WORRIED

SCARED

& SUFFER IN SILENCE

But you don’t have to do this ON YOUR OWN.

YOU ARE WORTHY to be listened to! 

YOU ARE WORTHY of support!

YOU ARE WORTHY of help!

I have teamed up with Deanna Danski, host of The Worthy Woman Series. She is a life coach for Successful Women aka Recovering Perfectionists (Alphas!) who want a greater sense of purpose. 

My interview is:

The 3 Myths All Overachieving Women Believe that SABOTAGE Your Success: Why Work-Life Balance, Goals & Hard Work Are BS 

It got so good, we ran long on time! Get In The Worthy Woman Here

I am excited to share this you all!  Stories from REAL PEOPLE. All the ups and downs can inspire you in the journey that you are going through.

Take a pit stop and refuel! 

Here’s what you can look forward to:

Short, inspiring interviews from successful experts in their field

Authentic conversations (screw a script!)

Gifts (of course!) to help you optimize your life

Connection with high-achievers breaking the patterns of perfectionism

Value your worth regardless of your achievements

START ENJOYING YOUR LIFE!

Click on the link below to join The Worthy Woman event today! You can tune in from anywhere – at home, at work or on-the-go!

See you on the SUMMIT! 🙂​​​​​​​

P.S. I really like this coach! Understand that we truly believe in abundance and not in competition. So I am happy to share this with you. If the other interviews are like mine, this will be AWESOME to watch! 

You can get off the path of perfectionism and into worthiness. Hop in HERE so you don’t miss me OR someone else amazing!

Commitment. The C Word. We continue looking at what Resistance can teach us. This week #3 we learn that when we feel resistance to what we are doing, we may not be COMMITTED.

Today you’ll learn WHY that lack of commitment is messing you up and how to get past it.

Resistance Could Be Telling You…You Aren’t COMMITTED!

You keep bailing on yourself. You just cannot hold the course on this project. Why? All that resistance you feel to sitting down and putting in the work is telling you that you aren’t committed.

Often we do the “external” parts of commitment first and easiest. If we say we are going to get healthy, we start buying diet food (no, that won’t be effective, but that’s another post!), new workout shoes and grab that Jillian Michaels DVD set.

So you LOOK committed.

And if anyone asks, you’ll say the right things. “I’m ready.” “This is my year.” “I’m going to make this change…” 

So you SOUND committed. 

But you hit your resistance and don’t follow through because you didn’t get commitment in the MOST important place first. 

INTERNAL COMMITMENT: When you FEEL Commitment in your heart and AGREE to it with your head. 

I have a 4 Step process that works to make any decision and the first step is Commitment – when you decide the outcome that you must achieve and you will forsake all other outcomes for (there’s a reason that’s in the marriage commitments – its a good statement!). 

Once the commitment to health is truly made on a deep heartfelt level and you do the work to get your mind to accept it, you will become UNIFIED. In a unified you, no resistance will be offered.

There would be no place for resistance to come FROM.

When you aren’t able to do something you say you want to do, usually you did not get the goal past BOTH the committee of your mind and your heart.

What Do I Do If I Find I Am NOT Committed to X? 

1) Pull back and Play the WHY? Game. Ask yourself what you want and then ask WHY? And keep asking Why or Why Do I Want That? Until you are at the core of what you REALLY want (usually 5-10+ why questions)

2) Take that golden Why and ask yourself if your heart can agree to doing what it takes to bring that to you?

3) If yes, ask your practical, logical self (mind) if you will agree to doing WHATEVER it takes to bring that into your life?

4) Next give yourself some examples of how you can FAIL and imagine yourself hitting these obstacles and staying on course anyway. Visualizing this will strengthen you for the future.

5) Now you have something you can better Commit to, that should attract less resistance as you pursue it.

In Joy,

P.S. Commitment is one of my favorite topics, so join me on Friday in FB Live for –   Friday’s Motivation Question: How Do I Know If I Am Committed or Not? Resistance Part 3 of 4

11 am EST – Facebook Tanya Stewart, Esq. 

Last Week’s Resistance Video – Going the Wrong WAY and

ALL My videos are always on my Vimeo channel HERE

And Resources page on the website:

www.FearlessFocusCoaching.com/Resources

RESISTANCE is our focus this month. It can HELP you.

Resistance can tell you that you are doing The WRONG THING  (last week’s training) and it can tell you that you are GOING THE WRONG WAY. 

You want the information so you can course correct. 

Resistance- “Excuse Me, I Think You Are Going the WRONG WAY.”

This message is super important and harder to decode.  You may have gotten the big piece of your purpose.  You can FEEL that you are supposed to help women for instance. Ahhh, but HOW are you supposed to help them? 

As a teacher? A coach? Author? Best friend? Manager? Being able to tell if you’ve set sail on the wrong course to the RIGHT destination is critical.

Here Are Your 3 Guideposts:

#1 Both Head and Heart are uncertain

When you are going the wrong way, both head AND heart feel worried, doubtful or nervous at times. (When the Resistance is about Doing the Wrong THING – it’s split. Your Head is certain and your heart is saying No.) 

Unfortunately, our head (Ego) doesn’t like FEELING uncertain so this will periodically show up as blame, overwhelm, anger, exhaustion, confusion and stubbornness in the face of facts.  That’s all the same as “I’m uncertain and afraid that how I’m doing this won’t work.”

#2 Things That Really SHOULD Work…Don’t

The Universe that loves you, sees you beating your bleeding hands on a locked door and never looking around to see and use the open window.  To show you that you are going the wrong way, things that “should” work WON’T.

When your reasonable actions fail more than anyone would expect, suspect that you may be going the wrong way.  Failure is often feedback to turn.

#3 You Keep Having to Force Outcomes

It’s a catch 22. If you are doing the RIGHT THING in the RIGHT WAY, you never have to FORCE an outcome. So you already know something is wrong because you NEED to engineer, MacGuyver, control or push this sucker.

This trap directs your attention away from the process (the steps you are taking, which you CAN and SHOULD control) and onto the outcome, the part you have no business with or ultimate control over.

Become more concerned about training for your marathon than what place you will finish.

The Resistance you are getting is telling you that you are using the wrong process to reach a right goal = Going the Wrong Way.

We tend to get tunnel vision and associate our end with our means. Meaning once we’ve locked onto the “Right Target”, we assume the one way we’ve found to get there, is also the “Only Way”.  We insist on taking our chosen route because we think changing would be giving up on our dream.

Become willing to release control of the ROUTE TO YOUR DREAM. You can still have confidence in your dream without knowing the way to it.

You say WHAT and let God say HOW and WHEN. Trust me, it doesn’t work any other way (yep, I already tried controlling the route. A lot. For a long time.)

Cheat Sheet For You:

1. Declare WHAT you want to feel as your goal (remember our Goals work, ask for the FEELING).
2. Trust the Universe to deliver on the HOW and WHEN
3. Go into action on the route you can see & begin NOW
4. Accept Course Correction repeatedly until you are ON the Yellow Brick Road
5. Wash, Rinse, Repeat!

It is MUCH easier for others to see you are going the Wrong Way…consider joining Alpha Group and get some help with Money, Love and Health this year.

I Have A Question About Coaching

P.S. I’m enjoying teaching this. It’s tricky but important. Resistance can tell you when you are going the Wrong Way (Watch Video #1 Here).

P.P.S. Happy Valentine’s Day! I wish you Self-Trust and Self-Love. When you have those, they find you on the external too! If you need those, take a look at the details on Alpha Coaching.

I’m inviting you to change your life. When? Now. Now is good. Now is the only time you have.

I spent the ENTIRE month of January changing directions, receiving guidance and listening! It set back my “old timetable.” Oh well!

All the goodness below is the fruits of my labors that makes my help MORE ACCESSIBLE to you.

Do NOT make the mistake of judging your readiness by your wallet (it’s never synced up with our dreams) or by your FEELINGS, READY isn’t a FEELING it’s a decision!

Step 1 – Take 1 min 37 seconds and watch the video to see the 7 Reasons you should consider Group Coaching…

Step 2 – It’s all out in the open, find what YOU need on the chart below…

Maybe the Online Course is Right For You?

(it even has a payment plan)

Online, Group and VIP Group will begin at the end of March

(Gives you time to find your money)

Online,  VIP Group & Private ALL Carry 

Coaching Guarantees –

Your Money is ALWAYS Safe…

(And no, NO coach guarantees their coaching but me)

Step 3 – Read more about it here in the Coaching Brochure. It’s a Dropbox link, so no email needed & I won’t “see” you grab it!

2018 Alpha Online, Group & 

Private Coaching Info – Click Here

Step 4 – Fight YOURSELF For Your DREAMS

In Joy,

P.S. This is it. Take the first step and look at your life. Look at your needs. Look at your wallet and then wave your hand! Hit reply with your questions or your “Screw It. I’m in.”

Going to do something special for everyone who gets in before midnight on Valentine’s Day!

Get Coaching Brochure (pdf) here – no strings!

Welcome to your February Coaching Posts! This month we are going to learn to look at RESISTANCE in a different (and more useful!) way.

When you set out to do something, especially something NEW, you run into your own resistance. Resistance energy makes you do all kinds of things that BLOCK your goal. You avoid, delay, overwork, overanalyze, spin, distract and overwhelm to name a few.

Here’s the GOOD NEWS! Resistance is giving you information and this month we’ll learn how Resistance Tells You:

• You Picked the WRONG THING!
• You Are Going the WRONG WAY!
• You Aren’t COMMITTED!
• You Have a BAD PATTERN to Shift!

You need to know what YOUR resistance is trying to tell you so you can have what you REALLY want in your life.

Resistance Could Be Telling You…You Picked the WRONG THING!

You sat down to write that book about 17 times. Well, you thought about sitting down 17x. You actually made it the chair about 3. RESISTANCE!

You may have decided this is THE year to go back to the gym. Ok. It’s February and are you still going your 3x a week? No?  RESISTANCE!

You need to handle that co-worker. THIS time you are just going to lay it on the line and get them off of your projects. Except, that you keep NOT starting the conversation. Yep. You guessed it. RESISTANCE!

Sometimes you don’t want to do something because it is the WRONG thing to do. In these cases only your mind has approved the action. It’s makes sense logically.

The hallmark of Wrong Thing Resistance is your head has given this wrong thing a full stamp of approval, and it is hurrying you to GET ON WITH IT.

Your head is trying to rush you into action before your HEART can object. Your head will use GUILT as a motivator. But when you check a Wrong Thing with your heart, it won’t feel right or good. You’ll hear yourself TALKING YOURSELF INTO IT.

If you are doing something that you have to keep talking yourself into – hit pause and ask yourself if what you are doing is logical but still the wrong thing for you?

Alphas tend to be pretty disconnected from feeling with our hearts, we stay in our heads ALL day. But if you get calm, take 3-5 deep breaths and put your hand ON your heart and ask “Is this the right thing for me right now?” You’ll feel something say NO, if you are not afraid of being made “wrong.”

Here is an example we all have.  Think back to a love affair that was a mess and you KNEW better. You talked yourself into starting it or into staying. And it was an EPIC WRONG THING. Think back, there were times when you felt resistance to staying and keeping up the crazy and you beat that helpful resistance to death and stayed anyway!

There are some things that you should end or leave without finishing.

(Read Don’t Finish Bad Cookies)

Sometimes the urge to procrastinate is your FRIEND and it is trying to get you to see you picked the WRONG THING.

Yes, it can be hard to tell. Follow our series this month and reach out and ask me for help…

Aren’t Sure What YOUR Resistance Means? Ask!

P.S. Look for a special email this Friday where I invite you to work with me – either in an 8 wk Online Class, 2 levels of Group coaching or 1 on 1. 

There will be something for all wallets and the investment will be listed in the email, no guessing or asking!

I’m excited. We have a lot to do this year and I’m ready to get you where you want to be.

P.P.S. 100% of the 2017 Alpha Group Coaching class got MASSIVE growth in money, health, marriages, jobs, confidence, self-worth, self-confidence AND trust. 

Need any of those?

Time for the last of the 4 major goals you have been taught to chase that don’t work and keep you frustrated.

We’ve handled Money, Love and Weight Loss.

Last but not least, let’s tackle Success!

Success is not a good direct goal. Here are the 3 main problems with success as your goal:

#1 Success is too general

Your mind is very much like a Google search engine. If you type “success” into google you’ll get all kinds of things and have to wade through lots of information you DON’T need to find what you do. 

Your mind needs a specific target to hit, so give it one.

#2 Success is usually determined by external opinions or approval of others

You guessed it. The Universe doesn’t want you running around doing things to appease OTHER people. It is your heart that matters. Unfortunately, we are trained from childhood that success is what makes our MOTHER proud of us. That drive does not just “go away”.

All too often, your definition of success will include people who are important to you saying what a good job you did. That needs to be a byproduct and not a direct target.

#3 Success commonly uses MONEY as a measure 

We’ve already discussed Money is not a good direct goal.

So what IS the good goal if you want to be successful in life?  Your goal is the feelings that you want to HAVE if you WERE successful. 

So if being successful, but whatever definition you have for that, means that you would feel freedom, happiness and security – those are actually the real direct goals.

What!?! Feelings as GOALS??? Yes. 

The only reason you do ANYTHING is to FEEL a certain way. Go after what you really want, the feelings.  They should be your direct goal.

When feelings are your goals, your ability to make decisions gets much clearer. Does THIS help me feel happier? Does this job give me more security? Does this investment get me closer to freedom?? Does this person make me feel MORE or LESS confident?

Most of us approach success as if it is always a tangible FUTURE thing that we don’t have now. Let’s change that. 

When your goals are feelings you can start GETTING some of what you are WANTING now. The more you feel the way you want, the better your life gets NOW.

Stop putting off your happiness. I have spent the entire MONTH of January scrapping ALL of my plans for this year and resettingeverything based on how it makes me FEEL (Intentional & Thrilled) 

That means I’ve totally redesigned all of my coaching services. There will now be two different group coaching levels plus private 1 one 1 plus the online course. WHY? Because if freakin’ FEELS better to me this way!(And no matter where your purse is there will be place for you.) More soon…

Let me know how the 4 Bad Goal Series helped you…

Hit reply and shout it out.

(How many of the 4 Bad Goals did YOU HAVE??)

P.S. I’ll discuss Success as a Bad Goal LIVE this Friday on FB (Tanya Stewart Esq). Did you miss anything? Read or watch it now 🙂 

There are 4 BIG DREAMS that you were taught to chase directly that never work out energetically and spiritually.

Those goals are Money, Love, Weight Loss and Success.

Let talk about losing weight! A biggie (pun intended!)

You will not lose weight if you do not love yourself. You can do it temporarily – but again weight loss is a byproduct of self worth and self love.

Most people think that they will love themselves after they lose 30 pounds.

You will never successfully lose 30 pounds if you do not first love yourself WITH the extra 30 pounds. 

Like Money, (Read Bad Goal #1: Money) weight loss is a byproduct goal.

I am an Indirect Goals Coach, so I teach you not to go directly toward your goals because I KNOW that it does not work well for you.

You don’t need to test this theory too far – just look back at your life. Has “I’m gonna lose X pounds” worked?

And by worked, I mean worked consistently, without herculean amounts of struggle and the weight stayed off.

A good goal, if you really want to lose weight, is to BECOME HEALTHY.

Healthy has a lot of other pieces to it that all need to be put in place. When you do that work, the result is the predictable byproduct of weight loss.  

Read about Food & Love Here – [Self-Love] Food is Love…

Most often, you are trying to lose weight to BUY love, either your own or someone else’s. You think the thinner you get the MORE you get – affection, attention, enjoyment and safety. 

Unfortunately, the Universe has TWO problems with this plan: 1) It doesn’t want you to GET more it wants you to BE more and 2) it CANNOT PERMIT you to try to ‘buy’ love externally. It’s an internal job. So, it thwarts you. 

Remember – Love is Bad Goal #2!

When your goal is health, as in, I want to take better care of me because I LIKE me, your weight can come off and stay off. 

Here’s the annoying truth, when you do this in the right order, almost ANYTHING will help you lose weight. When you do it in the wrong order, Primary Goal: Weight Loss, almost NOTHING will help you lose weight. 

My coach (coaches have coaches!) was telling me that Weight = Wait. Yep! When you are carrying weight, you are delaying something good from arriving.

Do you need help with this? Hit reply and ask me.

P.S. STOP trying to lose weight! And work on liking yourself and taking better care of yourself as a WHOLE vs. How do I flatten my stomach??

We are learning the 4 BIG goals that you have been taught to seek directly that don’t work energetically and spiritually.

Those goals are Money, Love, Weight Loss and Success.

Last week we learned about MONEY – This week we are talking about love!

Love is a good goal ONLY when focused on what YOU are doing. The bad goal is wanting to BE loved, as in to passively RECEIVE love. The good, direct goal is to ‘BE love’ yourself and then seek to GIVE THAT LOVE AWAY. 

Step 1 – Give Love to Yourself Before You ASK For It From Others

If you really really want more people to love you, you really really have to be busy loving yourself FIRST.

Almost no one knows how to do that. That is the worthy, direct goal.

(Need help with that goal? Click here)

But I want my love NOW!

Wanting to be loved by someone else when you don’t already love yourself is a form of theft.

“I don’t think I’m worth anything but I want you to come over here and give me everything. And give it to me long enough that maybe I can convince myself that I am worth something because YOU think I’m worth something.”

BY Universal law this is never allowed to work. Ever. Seriously. Not gonna happen. It always falls apart.

After 15 years as a divorce lawyer, you begin to see the pattern of this and it is terrifying that no one realizes they’re trapped in this pattern.

Step 2 – Relationships Are For GIVING Love First, Not Receiving

Relationships are a place you should be going to GIVE not receive.

You can learn this is 60 seconds.

Scenario A

Dinner party. Pot luck. Everyone is coming to the party looking to GIVE. Result? Everyone has MORE than enough and no one is “burdened”. 

Scenario B

Now imagine that same pot luck dinner, only NO ONE BRINGS ANYTHING but empty containers to take home other people’s food! Everyone arrives prepared to RECEIVE but there is nothing to SHARE. (Hello modern relationship headed toward disaster).

Scenario C

Only A is love and works out well for EVERYONE all the time! B screws everyone and C screws one person continually (See The Dark Side of Giving).

Love, as commonly taught, is actually a goal to BE loved. But that is backwards and results in a lot of hungry people, a lot of empty containers and very little food to share.

The good goal is seeking to feel your own worthiness (self-love) and then seek a relationship where you can confidently give your love. In doing this, you are being taken care of as you caretake.

And just so you know this concept isn’t new – here is part of the Peace Prayer of St. Francis (I went to St. Francis Prep High School):

grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console,
to be understood as to understand,
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned…

Seek to GIVE Love, first to yourself and then in your relationship. If that sounds “dangerous”, you are probably in a Scenario B or C relationship and need my help. Just ask…

P.S. Releasing the driving ache to “be loved” is life changing! If you love yourself first, you fill up your empty spots and in this new, healthier state love FINDS YOU without you stealing, bartering or seeking for it.

There are 4 pretty serious goals that you have been taught to seek directly that don’t work energetically and spiritually.

Those BAD goals are Money, Love, Weight Loss and Success. (Yes those!)

This month we’re going to tackle all of them, starting this week with money!

Make sure you look out for the weekly Friday’s Motivating Video that will dive deeper into this coaching post! FB: Fearless Focus Coaching

Money doesn’t work as a direct goal because money is always a byproduct of something else.

When you focus on money as the direct goal you’re not focusing on the thing that actually generates the money – you are mistakenly focusing on your NEED for or lack of money. That is BAD because your focusing on lack, has “lack” stay put and expand.

Let’s be practical, if you are reading this you have already HAD a money goal. How well did it work? I’ve worked with Alphas at all income levels – multi-millionaires to and including an Alpha that was unemployed for 17 years and just got a job during Alpha Group Coaching!

You have been TAUGHT to set a Money goal. To watch those numbers like a hawk and push and shove and engineer to reach it. Even if you HIT it, you are tired and wrinkled and worried. Why worried? You know what it took to GET the money, so it feeds your fear of how easy it is to LOSE IT.

Do you wonder why really wealthy people ALWAYS say they aren’t motivated by money? You thought that shifted AFTER they received their riches. Nope. Mostly it came BEFORE. They got passionate about SOMETHING. And their pursuant of that SOMETHING generated the byproduct of MONEY.

Do not go after Money as a primary or direct goal. It mostly does not work and when it does…? Well, I’ve been there, made multiple six figures and was NOT HAPPY. (Hint: I hadn’t pursued happiness, I’d gone after & gotten MONEY.)

Money is a bad goal to pursue directly. You actually want some feeling that you believe that money buys. THAT feeling is the real goal.

Share this!

In Joy,

P.S. Excited to do this series on Bad Goals! When I hit yours, raise your hand and fess up! Hit reply and tell me about it 😉 It’s good for you to shine a light on behaviors you are committing to change. These goals are ALL SABOTAGES!

If you ask me a question on Money as a goal, I’ll answer it on video Friday!

Resolutions suck. They don’t work. They are pretty much like diets, everyone rushes in to begin them and then fall off, leaving you feeling WORSE than before you began.

What I said about resolutions last year is still good advice…I encouraged you in a 7 min video to ASK THIS SINGLE QUESTION INSTEAD.

Another great practice? Pick a word or two word phrase for your ENTIRE YEAR. My 2017 phrase was “Flexible Momentum”. I wore that thing out! And it served me very well.

My word this year is INTENTIONAL. My time, my health, my wealth, my purpose, my connections, my passion – all Intentional! I choose to be at CHOICE, creating my own results, for the entire year as much as possible.

Pick your WORD rather than your resolutions.

Your word can guide you in and through everything

you are doing for the entire year.

Part of me being Intentional is changing my publishing schedule. This year you will see one weekly coaching post from me on Wednesdays 🙂

I am re-distributing my time to suit my goals!

I am also finishing the Online Alpha Success Course this month! It is the Crash Course to Clarity & Confidence. You need that right?? It is 8 weeks long, designed just for you, to really move you from where ever you start toward your success. The investment is $597, a fraction of private coaching. 

I have some Alphas that are looking to start in February as the first class. They will get extra special treatment. AND my stuff has a satisfaction guarantee so you never risk your money.

P.S. Resolutions? No. Word for the year? Yes.

Want help in your budget? Ask me about the Online Alpha Success Course: Crash Course to Clarity & Confidence. 8 weeks, online plus you get a private Facebook group to send me your homework and get feedback.