[Clarity] Counter-Intuitive Life Changer #2: Trust Ain’t Earned

3 Big Problems With “Earning” Trust

There are three main problems with trust being earned, rather than given:

#1 – Your Doubt Taints Your Expectations

#2 – Everybody Hates a Test

#3 – Our Brains are Designed to Prove us Right, Not Happy

Number 1 – Your Doubt Taints Your expectations 

You stay focused on the “wrong” as you compare their current performance to the original transgression. That means you keep thoughts of the transgression active in your attention and energy. Guess what that attracts? Law is like to like.

Expectations create your world and this focus makes you expect the worst.

Number 2 – Everybody Hates a Test

Resentment fuels their ego and makes it HARDER to do what you want. Their focus is the frustration of not being believed that they’ve changed. Frustration is negative energy and does NOT SUPPORT KEEPING THEM IN THEIR NEW, POSITIVE CHANGE. Get it?

Number 3 – Our Brains are Designed to Prove Us Right, Not Happy

That means that your head will be MORE alert to signs that the trust is being breached again to keep you “safe” v.s. spotting evidence that things are going well this time. It will search for, magnify and insist on finding evidence that our current theory (that they are an untrustworthy ass) is still true. This is called Confirmation Bias.

If being right is what your subconscious wants, it will MAKE it happen.

Tanya, What Do I Do?

Easy. Trust them or don’t. Do not engage in probation periods that will trigger all 3 of the above and make it MORE likely you’ll be hurt again.

After spending more than 2 decades around high-conflict divorce, I’ve seen too many couples do infidelity wrong. (And yes, it was more often the man doing the physical cheating and the woman doing “emotional” cheating.)

If you want the relationship to work, decide you want it and trust him from this moment forward. That reduces the doubts which tamper with expectations that create your reality. It takes away the resentment of the fallen. And it stops you from becoming the woman who can’t let her man run to the store to grab milk without timing him (yes, that happened).

If you are wrong, you’ll be wrong and you’ll be hurt- but your being able to say you thought it wouldn’t work all along should NOT be the comfort you seek.

Bonus: Giving trust (or not) lightens your energetic load. Decide Alphas. Important decisions, long deferred, lead to overwhelm.

When you half-trust (that is what you do when someone is “earning” it), you don’t forgive AT ALL, so you still carry the pain.  When you half-trust, you CANNOT FEEL loved. Love is not FELT in the absence of trust, not even Mother’s love (sorry Alphas). 

Love as its deepest is safety and surrender. Neither of these can you do while half-trusting. And loving where you know you are not safe is self-destructive. So long as you cannot give full trust, you cannot feel FULL love. Hey, GUESS WHO YOU’LL BLAME FOR NO LONGER FEELING LOVED?? Earning trust is a trap.

It is not the fault of the person who wounded you, it is YOU giving a half measure and blocking yourself from being able to FEEL a full measure, if it’s there. 

You want a shot at feeling the full love? Give full love (full trust).

In Joy,