[Relationships] Ready to SET Your Boundaries? Series #2
Now for HOW TO SET BOUNDARIES! Last week we learned WHY YOU WANT BOUNDARIES.
Don’t worry. I am going to give you a fool proof way to do it. It has 2 parts, spotting the boundary needed and then applying it.
Just follow this recipe to spot your boundary.
Ingredients for Boundary Setting:
1.) A Resentment
Your resentments are usually red flags that a boundary has been crossed.
2.) A Needy/Greedy Person
They will be focused on their hurt, their pain and your ability to fix them.
3.) And an Alpha who trades her skills for being loved/needed/approved of
What comes out of your mouth in irritation that you NEVER tell the other person?
THAT is your boundary.
The Boundary You Need to Have is Usually Obvious
Here is a light example. People will text me to ask for my help and they don’t know what I am doing when they contact me. (The reason I encourage clients to email me is because a text will ALWAYS interrupt you, even if you choose not to respond right then.) Often these texts will appear as I’m sitting down to eat.
Resentment- why can’t I ever eat in PEACE?!?
+ Needy person- someone texting me at dinner time with their honey on fire
+ Alpha long used to putting others needs ahead of her own =
I help them and then say out loud “They need to not bother me while I am eating.”
THAT IS THE BOUNDARY
How to Apply (Set) Your Boundary
We are keeping this simple.
1. Inform your Needy Person of your “new” boundary when nothing is going on, meaning they aren’t breaking it at that moment.
2. Ask them to HELP you keep your new boundary. This makes them a trusted “confidant” instead of a high maintenance project friend. Their egos will WANT to be the person who is HELPING you.
3. Notice how guilty or uncomfortable you feel in ASKING FOR YOUR OWN PROTECTION. That is a self-worth alarm signal. In the beginning this discomfort is to be expected and is a sign you are going the right direction.
4. Next time “the thing” happens do your very best to engage as LITTLE AS POSSIBLE. Meaning, don’t return that text, call or whatever until enough time has passed that the Needy person will be forced to recall #1.
5. When you contact them again, express the hope that they got whatever sorted out on their own AND SHUT UP. Do not offer copious explanations about why YOU needed YOUR OWN TIME and RESOURCES. This will be VERY HARD. Do not stay for the “what-had-happened-was” as this is a back door attempt to get you to fix it anyway.
Want examples of boundaries I and my Alphas have screwed up?
Working on weekends, loaning money to bad risks, lending cars, forgiving repeat emotional offenders, time vampires, supporting emotional black holes, chatting during focus time, keeping children from making mistakes/getting consequences, bringing work into romance, giving away professional services to friends (everyone wants to take me for a $10 burger to solve their $8K divorce!), emergencies cancelling our meditation/fitness time, handling repeat crisis folks…
FYI, often the boundary breaker is YOU. Use the same process and recruit yourself to your own cause.
Next week, we’ll talk about how to recover when folks break your boundaries (stated or not).
P.S It is a nice victory for me each time I see myself advise someone of a boundary they may be about to CROSS before they do it. My little cousin whose divorce I “helped” her with gave me the pop up text the other day. I am packing and sorting. I told her I can talk for 5 mins. I was off in under 10 (not bad, I’ll do better next time) AND told her I had to go once she kept texting me AFTER the call. Life is composed 85% of Little Wins!
Tanya Stewart is “The Alpha Woman Coach” and began coaching strong women as a Divorce lawyer in her own high conflict law firm 20 years ago. She understands how Alpha women are wired and using her Master’s level Metaphysics background and Advanced Clinical Certification in Hypnotherapy, she brings rapid change to people she works with.
She is a speaker, published author and Mensa member whose coaching is recommended by the World-Famous Motivator, Les Brown, Best-Selling Love Coach Greg Baer and International Change Expert, Dr. Eldon Taylor. She can teach you to separate struggle from success.
ALL My videos are always on my Vimeo channel HERE
Find Even More on the Resources page of the website: