[Focus Mag] The Bad Habit of Bottoming


We all had to hit our bottom before we got serious in life.

But why? Why is that?

Why do we have to be hanging off the side of the building by our fingernails before it occurs to us that perhaps this wasn’t the best idea?

Weren’t their signs telling us that we were going the wrong way? (Yes there were.)

Didn’t our heart and intuition tell us that we needed to act and do something different? (Yes they did.)

Today were going to talk about the Bad Habit of Bottoming as it applies to Alphas, how it messes us up and most importantly how to break free of it. Ready…?




Vironika Tugaleva – Life Coach, Author and Speaker

No one needs to hit rock bottom to change. And yet so many people do, only because most of us are unskilled in communicating with ourselves.

Stress, depression, anxiety, insomnia, headaches, illness … these are all symptoms of a bigger problem. You’re trying to tell yourself something. Loudly.

Listen now or listen later. There is no ignoring the call.




Today’s TRAINING: The Bad Habit of Bottoming

  • What is The Bad Habit of Bottoming
  • 7 Ways Bottoming Messes You Up
  • How to Break Free

What is the Bad Habit of Bottoming?

Put simply the Bad Habit of Bottoming is the natural Alpha tendency to wait until our situation hits critical to act. We avoid it until we hit bottom.

We wait to take action on our most important things because these are also our scariest things. Remember, an Alphas primary motivation is to rescue. Waiting for a crisis to act creates a reason for us to BE rescued. If you watch any movies where a rescue was necessary, have you ever seen it done before the 11th hour?

Every good disaster film you’ve ever seen has the rescue happen mere seconds before the bomb blows, the asteroid hits or the toxic gas reaches a lethal level. And we generate that in our own lives.

You’ve also seen it very clearly with anyone who has an addiction. Most alcoholics have to… hit rock bottom before they are ready to admit they have a problem with drinking right? Remember, Alphas have an addiction to approval and a need for someone else to love us before we love ourselves.

Those addictions make us even more likely to bottom.

Just so we’re clear, we are capable of heading off these crises sooner than we do.
 We’re smart enough to realize when our businesses are beginning to fail long before we can’t pay the bills and have to lay off all of the employees.

We’re smart enough to notice when our marriage starts being in big trouble but still we tend to wait until the idea of setting most of his clothes on fire isn’t just a scene from a movie. 

As a coach, mo
st people hire me after they have bottomed. When I catch you before you’ve bottomed, this is what you’ll tell me… “I’m going to give it another try, I think I know what to do now, I just need to focus. This time I’ll make it work.” In other words, you aren’t ready for help because you don’t ask for help until you are OUT OF HOPE.

The one glorious beauty of a bottoming Alpha is that bottoming breaks your pride and in that state, you are willing to accept help and more willing to be led. A bottoming Alpha can admit she’s wrong more quickly then Alpha who hasn’t hit it yet.

Now here’s the funny part, the Universe will HELP you in your race to the bottom.
 Why? Because it realizes that for most of you, that is the firstmoment you’ll open your heart, ask for help and get on the path that you were born to live.

Several of my Alphas have gone through a process I call “Job-ing” (like the guy in the bible). Job-ing is where the Universe accelerates your bottoming to help break you, so that you agree to start the hell over and do better this time.  

(If you’ve ever played video games where there was no reset button, when you KNEW you were screwed, sometimes you just ran up to the dragon and let it eat you three times in a row really fast so you could start over sooner!)

Now you know what bottoming is, let’s take a look at how bottoming messes you up.

7 Ways Bottoming Messes You Up
  1. You develop the habit of delay until explosion
  2. You miss opportunities when they are ripe and ready
  3. You beat yourself up for “doing IT” again
  4. You teach your children to Bottom
  5. You use crisis as your “Swing Into Action” cue
  6. You lose more than you win, especially in relationships
  7. Bottoming interferes with being “purse ready” which is proactive

#1 You Develop the Habit Of Delay

Bottoming reinforces procrastination and delay. Unfortunately because you don’t act until you have to, it reinforces the entire spectrum of Alpha Self-Sabotage.

#2 You Miss Opportunities When They Are Ripe and Ready

Bottoming has you waiting too long for everything-meaning when there’s a chance for you to go and you should take the risk-you don’t. You wait. And eventually you hit the bottom. Then you regret that you didn’t go. 

#3 You Beat Yourself Up For “Doing It Again”

How many times of you told yourself that you will never wait this long to take care of things, except that you just did it again?!

Do you know it would be impossible to ever become significantly overweight if you always course correct each time you got 3 pounds over your goal weight?

Beating yourself up not only wastes energy but it screws up your self-confidence for your future. 

 You Teach Your Children To Bottom

Your children learn what you do and what you are, not what you say and what you want.
 If you’re looking at your children and they only ever take action about 15 seconds before things blow up-see if they’re getting that from someone… like… You.

 Crisis Becomes Your “Swing Into Action” Cue

After a while you begin to associate taking massive action only in the face of imminent danger and at the edge of disaster. You are a training yourself to “turn on “only after things have gone nuclear.

#6 You Lose More Than You Win Because of When You Began

Especially in relationships, which are an Alphas Achilles’ heel, you may find you’ve waited TOO LONG to save your friendship, company or marriage. 

#7 Bottoming Interferes With Being “Purse Ready” Which Requires Being Proactive

The most reliable way to draw into your life what you want is to become “Purse Ready” for it. That means you become ready for your good before your good arrives. That is the opposite of waiting until it is almost too late and everything is falling apart to act. 

In short, bottoming is a nasty habit that we ALL have to some degree. You want to get aggressive and nearly hostile about removing this from your life. The people who have lives that you admire have broken the cycle of Bottoming.

Stop learning from touching a hot stove!  The Bad Habit of Bottoming describes the state of an uncoached Alpha. It can and should be changed. 

How Do I Break Free of Bottoming?

One fail safe way – you accelerate the crisis. You do what it takes to bring the urgency into the situation NOW before the bomb is armed and ticking.

The urgency and “ohmygoodness” of the situation are what get you to move, eventually. Use them to get yourself to move…now.  How? Project the consequences of things going sideways, look at what it will cost you and better yet what it COULD cost you.

Use the wiring you already have! We are pre-wired to do more to avoid PAIN than to gain PLEASURE. For Alphas, we have a strong pull to build something better, so bundle the two together like an ice cream sandwich.

One layer of what bad thing will happen if I don’t change,  plus a cool yummy layer of the awesome goodies I can get when I do my work and a final layer of what COULD happen if I do nothing and things go sideways.  That is a no fail Motivation Bar!

Tell yourself the truth about how big a problem this is for you and get help getting into motion before you hit bottom and need to act out of fear and panic.


Tanya Recommends:

Growing flowers from seeds.

Seriously! I have 3 pots full of flowers I planted. They show me the love I invested in them. I water, weed and worry over them. Even if you have no green thumb, get one small pot or bowl, dirt and a single seed packet. Stick the seeds in and water. Yep, that’s it.

My favorite dollar store (Dollar Tree) has all you’d need for $2-$3. Get going! You’ll thank me when they bloom! The act of creating and nurturing life on any scale is good for the soul.




Figure out the next thing you “must do” and decide to do it a little early. 

Don’t wait until the consequences hit or come calling.  Just do it now, at least start. 

You will get a HUGE boost to your self-esteem for taking your task early.






The Universe learns how YOU learn. 

I don’t have regular crisis or drama in my life anymore because I don’t need it to get myself to change. If you need it, YOU WILL GET IT. 

If you start learning to act without the threats, you can have a more peaceful life.






Wow Did You Hear?


Alpha Nicole Wishes Tanya Happy Birthday

I love this photo she made for me! She was going to “clean up” the language and I just laughed.

Be how you are and who you are and Be Loved FOR it not DESPITE IT.


Talk to Tanya


Spread the Word!

If Fearless Focus Magazine made a difference for

YOU, would you share this on your Facebook page?


[Focus Mag] The Bad Habit of BottomingFacebook Twitter LinkedIn


Talk to Tanya


My Mission:

I Show Alpha Women Entrepreneurs How to Stop


in Your Relationships, Own Your Potential, Build Your

Business and BALANCE IT ALL.

[Lessons] 10 Lessons from Building Birthday Furniture

10 Lessons from Building Birthday Furniture​​​​​​​…



  1. Hold the final destination, not the path.
  2. Being flexible is being happy.
  3. Sometimes you need to work long hours, straight through.
  4. Periodically, do HUGE ass things just for yourself.
  5. Don’t panic when you notice you are exhausted, it happens.
  6. Want what you freaking WANT.
  7. Do the piece you CAN do now & figure out the piece you can’t when you get there.
  8. Ask for help and be prepared to decline advice.
  9. Set an impossible timeline and you’ll finish sooner than if you set a “reasonable” one.
  10. Dance while you work, as much as possible! (I did it with power tools, on a porch, in the rain!)


shelves are a VISIBLE reminder of my WORTH.

A visible reminder of what I can make out of NOTHING, what I can overcome to reach a goal and
the quality I want around me.

What do you have in your life that anchors your self-love like this?




​P.S I would have finished anchoring the shelves to the walls and doing the final coats of lacquer today but my Alpha Mate may have found me on my BIRTHDAY! Apparently, our first call needed to be 3+ hours (from the UK where he’d gone for business –he got off the line at near 2 am for him).

I’m EXCITED. I gave him my “shelf time” and he prayed over us = Tanya melted.
For those of you who really understand how well the Universe works, I turned down 3 different friends trying to take me out to dinner on my birthday. It felt like I should “be home” working…if I had gone to dinner I’d have not seen his email or had THAT CALL ON MY BIRTHDAY. We are divinely protected when we can listen and surrender our “own” plans!




​​​​I Show Alpha Women Entrepreneurs How to Stop Struggling in Your Relationships, Own Your Potential, Build Your Business and BALANCE IT ALL.




[Lessons] 10 Lessons from Building Birthday Furniture Facebook Twitter LinkedIn

[Photos] My Birthday “Building” Week

How I Built My a Self-Love by Putting in a Crazy Amount of Time, Sweat and Money…


Industrial Shelves. Suddenly I NEED them. NOW. Much like I needed the cabinet space in the kitchen and the new light…my heart wanted it.  So, I said….

Let my Birthday Building Week COMMENCE!!!

Day #1

2 x 12″ x 16′ Select Pine lumber for cutting and staining my future shelves!

64 board feet of lumber + One Volvo already carrying almost 60 ft Black Iron Pipe + Tanya’s Mad Packing Skills = Fits!
Day #2  Racing the rain to sand and Pre-Stain (prep)
Tackling the 6.5′ boards!
God heard my request and the rain WAITED for me!!! All 64 ft sanded and stained on the bottom and back edge.
Wine in fridge. Dehydration and Moscato…Yes. That works. I meant to eat one of my sweet potato brownies and forgot!

Rain held off long enough to do them ALL and then the “wet carry” ( don’t ask).

Ha! Girl over matter!

Done! (with Grueling Day #2)

128 linear feet sanded, primed, dried, flipped and stained! Very grateful for unexpected rain reprieve (God giving me presents early!). If anybody likes to get high off of noxious fumes-you missed sitting in my office!



Day #3 Indoor Lacquering is a SPORT!!

It’s also pipe cleaning day! I’ll update that later- the best solvent in the Universe is sold at Dollar Tree!!

60 ft of CLEANED Black Steel Pipe – A Miracle courtesy of elbow grease + LA Totally Awesome Cleaner. All wood done on the BOTTOM.

Tomorrow I  begin “demolition”


Day #4


Time to prep my spaces (empty and shift 5 bookcases and remove 18 pieces of art from the walls…)

Part Two is Measuring, finding studs (don’t laugh!) and boring a lot of holes in my beautiful dark wood shelves. May the Force be with Me! I declare my independence from my old look and Feel of my home today.

​​​​​​​Dream? Work through entire day to full install and lacquer!

Demo Done!!! Empty space – bare walls. (House destroyed!)

Took one break to help a friend spend $200 at Dollar Tree getting toys for an orphanage in Cuba!  —Meanwhile…back the ranch…

Real MacGuyvering underway…countering challenges as they arise – using my brain! Wrong bit size meant emergency Lowe’s run… FYI- a 3/4 inch pipe requires a 1 1/8 inch spade bit. Turned my porch into “workshop” in the rain.

It is 1:23 am. I have conquered MANY untold things today and I kept going until I at least got the smaller bookcase assembled.

It is not level. It is not anchored and I am in love with it anyway! 

Tomorrow (the 6th) is my birthday
 and I hope to have my shelves in place for it. I’ll do as much as I can. I am worth ALL of this and more!  
Love you all – hope you enjoyed the photo blog today 🙂
HGTV (Happy Girl TV)




​​​​I Show Alpha Women Entrepreneurs How to Stop Struggling in Your Relationships, Own Your Potential, Build Your Business and BALANCE IT ALL.




[Photos] My Birthday “Building” Week Facebook Twitter LinkedIn

[Self-Love] Food is Love…

Food is Love


I texted my coach a photo of a tray of pork sausage fresh from the oven with the word “Happiness”. She replied food is love. 

When I woke up this morning I realized a deeper meaning to that.

Food is one of the easiest measures of your own self love. 

Every since I put safeguards in place to protect my KITCHEN, my own self-love is even better, because I’m COOKING. 
What does it take to cook each meal? (7 Ingredients of Self-Love)
  1. Planning 
  2. Making time
  3. Paying attention
  4. Investing in the ingredients
  5. Maintaining your space
  6. Timely prep work
  7. Cleaning up any messes

How am I eating these meals?
Not while working
Not while distracted
Mindfully and fully present

Add all those together and you have how you care for your greatest love-you!

To begin to improve your self love, start with your food.
 I recommend a drastic, jumpstart (cold turkey 3-7 days) at the beginning to break the sugar, carb and processed food convenience addictions. 

Do you even notice hunger evolving or are you so busy with the rest of your life that you don’t realize you’re hungry until you’re starving? Hint: That’s the same way you treat those that you love – you don’t realize there’s a problem until it’s broken because you’re not paying enough attention.

When your meals don’t come from a package, you have to pay attention to when you begin to get hungry because that’s when you need to beginto preparing your food. 
 Take a look at how you’ve fed yourself this past month. Do you consistently have the 7 ingredients of Self-Love?

If you are ready to cook up a better life and need a Sous Chef, let me know!

​P.S I’ve been cooking up a storm as they say and I feel fantastic and very loved…by me (and several of you!) Even lost weight! And I left off the photo of my killer Sweet Potato Brownies!! Still delicious even after they were frozen 3 weeks! 




​​​​I Show Alpha Women Entrepreneurs How to Stop Struggling in Your Relationships, Own Your Potential, Build Your Business and BALANCE IT ALL.




[Self-Love] Food is Love… Facebook Twitter LinkedIn

[Focus Mag] Anatomy of an Alpha Part 3 (Why We Fail)


Our FOCUS: Alpha, Why We Fail
Today is Part 3 of 3 on the Anatomy of an Alpha. I hope you’ve enjoyed the ride and learned more about the dusty and dark corners we’ve all got that could use a little Hoovering (dating myself there).

Long awaited and sorely needed, today you can learn the general origin on Alphas and more importantly the ways we F our stuff up – Alpha Self-Sabotage!  Knowing what it looks like is your very first step to stopping it (my favorite two coaching words)!




Quote:   Marianne Williamson – Spiritual Teacher, Author, Lecturer, Master Teacher to Tanya

“Withholding love is a form of self-sabotage, as what we withhold from others we are withholding from ourselves.”




Today’s TRAINING: Anatomy of an Alpha Part 3 (Why We Fail)          

When I said I would talk about the origins of an Alpha, I said I would talk about how Alphas are forged. Turns out that that was a pretty intuitive word choice, because we are in fact forged.
I often get the question, are Alphas made or born? You know what I’m going to say, we are not either or…we are both and. Based on the Alphas I have observed, coached and myself, I believe that Alphas are first made and then forged.
Both my sister and I are Alphas. My mother is an Alpha. And my grandmother is an Alpha. (My grandmother, a black woman from the southern U.S in Mississippi, is super smart. Best avenue for her skills at that time was to become a teacher. We don’t know what might’ve happened because marriage intervened…)
I was born of Alphas. If any of you look, you may find that your mother was also an Alpha. If that is true, you likely fight with her. Uncoached Alphas do not play well with other Alphas – remember relationships are our Achilles’ heel.
Then comes our forging and it is exactly like the metal process. Hot ore or molten steel is poured into a mold and cast into a shape. I think of our being born from an Alpha as our casting process.
Forging is where you deform metal into a different shape and it can be done with intense heat or cold. See it? Your formative years with your mother and your family and whatever else crazy happened to you FORGED you.
It is here where I believe Soft Alphas diverge from Alphas. When you are forging metal, if you get the heat wrong, i.e. too much or too fast, the steel becomes brittle and can crack or break. I believe that someone or something cracked our Soft Alphas during the forging process, leaving our little sisters softer than us.
In response, our Soft Alphas begin to focus primarily on defense and avoiding antagonizing those who would ‘beat them down’ again.
If you have a daughter, you have cast her and she is in her forging process. How she comes out is completely dependent upon your ability to control the heat and cold you expose her to and the tools that you use to shape her. Forge your daughters with love Alpha. The biblical quote is iron sharpens iron and done well, it does.
Alpha Self-Sabotage
Now we’re onto the juicy stuff, the Alpha Self-Sabotage Pattern. I have detected three primary types of self-sabotage which most Alphas will experience. These types of sabotage serve to either Demoralize, Distract or to Diminish your capacity and support.
Sabotage #1: Demoralization = Lazy
On the far left of the spectrum, demoralization is misidentified by Alphas with the concept of lazy. I have had many Alphas tell me, when I asked why they aren’t caring for themselves or doing something that they know they could or should be doing, that they’re lazy. I even used to believe it about myself in past years. Not true. Alphas are not lazy.
If you think of Xena the Warrior Princess, does lazy pop into your mind? Nope. So where did this come from? If you look, you will find that we are not lazy for others, we are lazy about things for ourselves. That “lazy “actually comes out of our lack of self-love or if I want to say it bluntly, self-loathing. We, simply put, do not like ourselves, until we are coached differently
Here’s how this works, think back to the first car you ever owned. It does notmatter what that car was. It could’ve been a rustbucket held together by duct tape and Bondo. (Mine was a 1981 red Ford Mustang two door coupe, four-cylinder, way too many miles on the engine, with an oil leak).
And I loved that car! I think I stripped some of the fading red paint off by trying to wax it too frequently. I took such good care of it because it was so valuable to me. It represented my freedom. This was back in the days before there was emergency roadside assistance. Fun Note: My emergency roadside assistance kit -not kidding- was a pair of red peep toe high heels. Always kept in the trunk. Put up hood, put on shoes, help arrives. Yes, it’s a miracle I’m still alive…now back to our story.
What you value, you care for. If you had babies, you know that you could’ve stretched your budget by changing her diaper less frequently. You didn’t do that, because your baby was valuable to you. What you value, you take good care of.
Because you do not value yourself the way that you think you do (or want to), you are lazy about things that have to do with you. Delaying or avoiding taking good care of you is the sabotage your ego calls “being lazy”. You own it and call YOURSELF lazy and that makes you feel even worse. So now you’re beating yourself up and looking at yourself as if you are weak. And remember Alphas despise weak things. See it??
The trap to keep you not loving you is the Demoralization. Demoralization keeps you from accomplishing the goal of taking good care of yourself, which demonstrates your self-love.
Sabotage #2: Productive Delay = Distraction
The second major sabotage is Productive Delay. I’ve already taught on productive delay – here. Productive Delay is actually about distraction. The purpose of the Productive Delay is to distract you from keeping your focus, time and energy on your real goal.
For example, Alphas are rescuers. (Read here why). Our little “missions” to save other people are to get everyone’s praise. We look amazing and wonderful (get that approval drug that we like) but the cost of the rescue mission is always that we are distracted from our own stuff. What we’re doing is being productive in a way that causes US to be delayed.
All Alphas suffer from Productive Delay and I suspect Soft Alphas have a much harder time with it where it involves their family obligations. Soft Alphas will put every family member ahead of herself permanently. She will never look at this choice again. Big problem. The constant tending, nurturing, rescuing, fixing, preventing and juggling of every family members’ issues prevents this Alpha from ever attending to her own life, her own care or her own dreams.
Productive delays are what I call a noble distraction. Because whatever you are doing sounds really good and seems worthwhile for you to be doing. But in the end, they are distractions from the time and effort you need to get where you say you want to go.
Sabotage #3: Superwoman = Diminishment
The last primary form of Alpha Self-Sabotage I have named the Superwoman in honor of one of my favorite ex-boyfriend’s (yes, that’s a little tongue-in-cheek).
Superwoman-ing is a form of self-sabotage because in Superwoman mode you “over” everything. You over give, you over do, you control, you overcompensate…you become Superwoman. This messes you up because being Superwoman diminishes your capacity to do anything for yourself because there’s no time or energy left for YOU. And it diminishes your support network and chances at love.
How does being Superwoman diminish your support network? Easy. Number one, if you are always the know all and be-all, the only people who can stay in your support network are people who are lesser, weaker and victims in need of your services rather than your love and friendship.
Secondly, it drives competent men away. A well-balanced Alpha male has no interest in being with an Alpha female who doesn’t need him. Everybody wants to be needed! Superwomen don’t leave any room for anybody else to do anything, so we appear to not need anything. I literally declared the word “Superwoman” a red flag in dating. Not a compliment.
If I hear a man comment more than once that I’m a Superwoman, I know that we’re on the way out. It means he has categorized me as a woman who can do anything and specifically much more than HE can do and who does NOT need him. It means that he feels inferior and unnecessary and men leave or punish you when they feel this way. 
These are the three primary types of self-sabotage. On a spectrum from left to right: The Lazy, The Productive Delay into The Superwoman. When you move from left to right, as the amount we do for others increases, the amount we have available to give to ourselves decreases. That is the sabotage.
Alpha, I stand here in a place of love looking back at all the things that I’ve screwed up in my life. I can see opportunities that I missed and people that I failed while trying so hard to help them. But most importantly, I can see where I failed myself. Not knowingly, but my life was a giant merry-go-round of Alpha Self-Sabotage.
It makes sense. And it explains why an Alpha with my combination of skills and blessings DIDN’T have what I wanted earlier in life. It was because I was in my own damn way!
You can stop struggling. You can get out of your own way. You can stop sabotaging your own dreams. I am proof and I will light the way for the rest of us.
I love you Alpha!   Tanya


Tanya Recommends:

Stop going barefoot or wearing flip-flops with zero arch support! It causes your weight to flatten down your arch, which torques your knee. If you have any knee issues at all, fixing this can help. If you don’t yet, prevention is a good thing! I’ve got these issues and I’m taking better care of myself now.
There are a zillion orthopedic flip flops out there and some quite pricey. I have worn Teva’s for a decade. Around $70 a pair and they last for years. Here is a better priced pair I just got in this week that have stronger arch support. I like them and they were $40 🙂




The next small thing you must do – do an experiment. Assume that God wants your success and is on the side of this goal and therefore nothing can prevent it. You need only take the steps that are yours to take and victory is assured. If you accept the temporary belief that your goal is safe and protected, your normal pattern of sabotage will become “temporarily” unnecessary. Expect your own cooperation and notice how much better you do and how much more confident you feel.






To see your own sabotage, just like seeing anything, you must be looking for it. Spend just 60 seconds asking yourself where you last got in your own way. If you are earnest, it will come to mind. Then ask what were you defending against?  What fear where you dancing around, trying to accommodate it by getting in your own way and making your path harder then necessary? If you ask and see, that willingness will help stop you from repeating the now visible pattern.






Wow Did You Hear?


Successful Alpha Refers Friend Alpha
“This hit me yesterday as I was cleaning up in my home office. When I started with Tanya I was excited about my food stamp card and living off student loans, credit cards and my 401k. I needed to use money from it to help make my mortgage payment so I withdrew enough to start with her as well.

I had to use my credit cards to continue and ended up maxing them out. BUT in that time I got my dream job and car I always wanted. When that dream job no longer served my family responsibilities I was able to work from home for 5 months to help restore order at home. When that was complete A new job FELL in my lap.

And the severance package from the previous job paid off my credit card, re-funded my 401k and make 6 months of payments on my car!!! LOOK AT GOD!!

I share this only to say I had lost my way of thinking. The god within was buried inside and Tanya helped me to remember that I’m a GODDESS and to walk in my LIGHT!

Now I still have a few struggle areas but I can 1 million! percent say I feel better about who I am and where I’m going! So K, make that sacrifice and get started!!!


 From Alpha A.

Talk to Tanya


Spread the Word!

If Fearless Focus Magazine made a difference for

YOU, would you share this on your Facebook page?


[Focus Mag] Anatomy of an Alpha Part 3 (Why We Fail)Facebook Twitter LinkedIn


Talk to Tanya


My Mission:

I Show Alpha Women Entrepreneurs How to Stop


in Your Relationships, Own Your Potential, Build Your

Business and BALANCE IT ALL.

When You Least Expect It…

When You Least Expect It…


Just when I had my post all planned out, I got a call from my best friend. She is 58, silver-haired and about 20 pounds overweight (her own words). OK, why am I telling you this?

Because she just got asked out by an attractive 38-year-old man. 

Ohh, so now you’re listening right?!?

I want to tell you the story because I want to show you the elements of the things I teach working in real life.

We are both self-employed and find ourselves working from home all the time. So we’ve made an effort to have workdays outside of the home. Her normal workday to do this is a Friday – but this week she had to switch it last minute to Thursday. She’s at the Starbucks working happily.

Eventually all that tea catches up to her and having to go to the restroom, she does what we all do – she turns to the closest person and says “Can you watch my stuff?”

Returning, happy and grateful she asks him what he’s working on. This sparks up a conversation.

Now here’s where the story gets awesome!

My best friend, who is white, is now looking at this 38-year-old attractive black man thinking… Holy cow Tanya needs to meet him! (I’ll be 44 on July 6th).

He’s a quality man, well-spoken and intelligent. In the tradition of every great best friend – she begins trying to sell this man… ON ME!

She shows him a picture of me on her phone. She even pulled up my website Fearless Focus Coaching (if you haven’t seen in a while you should check it out, it’s new and awesome) which has giant pro picture of me. He’s forced to agree that I’m a very attractive woman.

She tells him, earnestly and honestly what a great woman I am and that I (Tanya) deserve a great mate. 

Finally, he asks her “What about you?”

Because she is completely not trying to sell herself or make anything happen – she tells him honestly what she’s looking for, her deal breakers and what makes her happy.

And… He asked her if she would go out with him!!!

It had never occurred to her because she’s older and silver haired and probably because she’s white too.

Now-watch how this happened on energetic level:
  • She was being totally loving as she spoke about me
  • She was showing feminine generosity and kindness
  • She was completely relaxed and dressed in a hoodie with holes in it
  • She enjoyed the conversation and wasn’t trying to make anything happen (no Alpha pushing/engineering)

In short, she was being herself – loving, kind, funny, generous and wicked smart.

And…………….He LIKED it. 



is why women meet men when they’re not looking and this is how it works. When your guard is down and you least expect it, you’re actually being your true self, which is very attractive. You’re relaxed so whoever you’re with is relaxed. You’re happy, so it’s easy for him to be happy to.

We don’t know where it will go but this is a hell of a story! And I had to share it with you to show you that the people who love you the most, will love you just as you are and that is the best way to attract them is by doing the work to love yourself enough so that you can just be as you really are, wherever you are. 

Remember what I just told you last week, Alphas most want to be chosen and loved 
just as they are.





P.S. She had also JUST reached the place where she’d stopped worrying “where is he?” and felt peaceful in her own life. No. Not a coincidence. This guy doesn’t have to be her mate. He has just shown her that her inner beauty is more important than the body she had 30 years ago. We’d been working on accepting this truth! Need my help to do that?

P.P. S.
Their date is Sunday!!




​​​​I Show Alpha Women Entrepreneurs How to Stop Struggling in Your Relationships, Own Your Potential, Build Your Business and BALANCE IT ALL.




When You Least Expect It… Facebook Twitter LinkedIn

I Just Found a Fatal Flaw in Traditional Marriage! (Apologies in Advance…)

I Just Found a Fatal Flaw in Traditional Marriage! (Apologies in Advance…)

You know that moment when you realize something was so obvious and simple that it could have been seen ALL ALONG and you just missed it?!? Yep. Here we go.

In this week’s Training Post (Anatomy of An Alpha, Part 2) I taught you about CHOICE and how it is an Alpha’s most fought for privilege because it is necessary for FREEDOM.

Ok, so you buy that CHOICE is vital, what does that have to do with marriage? EVERYTHING.

I have discovered that CHOICE EXPIRES.


We say “I Do” and promise forever but you know what? You cannot. Choice EXPIRES. A single choice made long ago has a shelf life. It has to be CONSCIOUSLY RENEWED, REDONE and PICKED ALL OVER AGAIN.

And when we DON’T pick again, 4 bad things automatically begin happening:

1) We subconsciously begin resenting the deal (because usually the deal has shifted and we DID NOT SIGN UP for the current stuff)

2) Everyone “relaxes” and starts slacking off because there is no accountability because no one is counting anymore!

3) It teaches Alphas (who are ALREADY full of trust issues) that commitment is PUNISHED and

4) It encourages Alphas to lie to themselves about how their life is going to avoid having to undo very old and now messy choices.

Continual Choice Prevents Slacking.
(And of course this is true in your business too…)

It’s human nature. You work to get attractive and sexy and awesome and then your mate picks you and then…? You. Slack. Off. You gain weight, drop your interest level in bed and put the kids, car repairs, bills, work and even lawn cutting ahead of your man.

You slack off because there’s never another “examination”. If you stayed tuned into the idea that those who CHOSE you can and will UNCHOSE you if you fall too far below the starting mark, you would commit yourself to the continuing excellence that comes from still needing to “qualify.”

Oh doesn’t that just FEEL dirty! The idea of needing to re-qualify to keep your mate. But…wait for it…that IS the way it is, we just all ignore it. Remember, you can only manage what you measure and you aren’t measuring anymore!

Remember early dating? He starts to suck -> you leave! Your choice to go on date 1 did NOT insure he could get date 2 or 5.


Your marriage needs continual CHOICE. Keep choosing him and be the girl he chose or BETTER.

So here’s how it works
(use your marriage or your clients):

  • Everybody works hard & gets somebody to pick you.
  • Time passes and because there is no checkpoint, no renewed choice, everyone slacks off.
  • Decay, neglect, abuse & assumptions enter over the years. 

The hardest question for any marriage – the question that most marriages fear is: If you were single & happy and met your mate right now and knew what you knew about him – would you marry him again?

Where that answer is No, the relationship is damaged and in need of immediate repair.

Here is what stops Alphas from answering that honestly (even inside your own head):

  1. The choice to undo what you have done would be cataclysmic, difficult and scary. 
  2. Choosing to admit things are NOT good makes you wrong – Alphas love being right.

To avoid being made wrong, your ego doesn’t let you invoke your right to choose freely and continuously and locks you into the original choice, regardless of current cost.

That causes abdication of your power and authority because without choice there is no power.  No choice or power? Hello Victim.

Trapped people can’t choose.

Alpha, you must ensure the right to continually choose in all decisions that are critical.
This means you must periodically pull back from ALL big choices, look at them and say YES again. That includes your marriage, your kids, your company, healthy eating…all of it.

You need to recommit to stay engaged! You need this honest assessment to KEEP things from going off the rails to the point of no return.

(Hint: 15+ year divorce lawyer here telling you how to diffuse the ticking time bomb in your relationship that you didn’t know was there.)




Can you make the Alpha Oath of Choice?
I, Alpha, commit to keeping myself worthy of always being chosen again
In work. In love. And In life. 

If you answered that “hard” question and hate me right now, my bad.





​​​​I Show Alpha Women Entrepreneurs How to Stop Struggling in Your Relationships, Own Your Potential, Build Your Business and BALANCE IT ALL.




[Choice] I Just Found a Fatal Flaw in Traditional Marriage! (Apologies in Advance…) Facebook Twitter LinkedIn

[Focus Mag] Anatomy of an Alpha Part 2 (What You Want)


Our FOCUS: Alpha, What Do You Want?
Last Focus Mag we began our 3 part training series to help you learn more about YOU, Alpha.
Today I will tell you what Alphas really want and where our challenges come from. This is going to be meaty and scary, so hide if necessary so you can read it through and “process it”. (See? I know you.) If you want to know why Alphas are controlling, keep reading.
Let’s do some work to understand ourselves better. Bonus – today you’ll learn you WHY Alphas are natural rescuers. Read on my darling, your control freak is about to get offended!


Jim Rohn – Author, Motivational Speaker, Personal Development Legend, Tanya’s Hero

“And if I may be so bold to offer my last piece of advice for someone seeking and needing to make changes in their life. If you don’t like how things are, change it! You’re not a tree. You have the ability to totally transform every area in your life-and it all begins with your very own power of choice.




Today’s TRAINING:   Anatomy of An Alpha, Part 2            

What Do Alphas Want?
I could easily give you a list that would seem very obvious to you: to love and be loved, to have money and travel. Well, duh right?
I’m going to weave you a tale, a tad complex, to explain our dark side. This is part of our continual struggle for love, so hang in there while I untangle this for you.  The main actors are Freedom (big, known want), Choice (the unsung hero) and Trust (our super heroine’s weakness).
We’ll introduce these folks first and then I’ll show you how in the pursuit of what we want most, many Alphas commit a crime that is always punished. It’s why we struggle.
Fair warning, you won’t like what I explain but you’ll see how it fits. Like any large group of powerful people, the history of how we came to power is not very pretty. If you’ve got wine, drink now!
Meet Freedom
When you peel back the layers most Alphas find or say that they want Freedom. Freedom to travel, to love, to be creative, to try new things, to solve problems our own way.  Much like my Alpha symbol, the American Eagle, Freedom is what we want. Well guess what? Freedom never exists without CHOICE.
Freedom and choice are pancakes and syrup. Choice is a stack of perfect fluffy hotcakes (panencooken in Amsterdam) coated with the warm syrup of Freedom. Delicious. Take away the choice and all you have is a plate of sugar – not so good anymore.
Choice Enters
I have discovered our biggest want that we don’t put a proper name on is….CHOICE.
We want to chance to CHOOSE our everything and anything. From things as small as where our cars get serviced to our employees and our mates. The ability to choose makes us feel safe. Gives us power. Let’s us feel in control and creates that freedom we dream of.  Choice is luxury.
Alphas want power, control, safety and freedom. The lynchpin to all these is choice.  Power without the ability to choose anything is like being a figurehead leader, not worth much. If you cannot choose between one thing and another, being in control is meaningless also. You can’t even enjoy your feeling of safety if you aren’t free to choose a danger.
Yep ladies, it is CHOICE that Alphas really want. Unfortunately, CHOICE is also what screws us. Stay tuned for how.
Hello Trust, Who Are You?
To feel safe with others choices, you need trust. Well fudge!
We don’t have it. The trait that Alphas are weak in is TRUST. We do NOT trust others easily or at all. (We’ll talk about where this comes from in the Forging of An Alpha – Our Origin Story, in Part 3.) Life has proved other people untrustworthy.
It gets a little worse – we are all taught that if you first trust God, everything else will work out.  One tinsy, tiny problemo. No one told you that in order to trust God, you must first trust YOURSELF. Can you skip that step? Nope. No and Hell No. The order you’ve been taught to do this in makes it VERY hard to do. You have to learn to trust yourself FIRST because only after that can you really trust God.
Imagine God as a car manufacturer and you are a car. How do you learn to trust the manufacturer of a line of cars? You experience and trust the CAR first, then you extend that trust to the car’s maker. No one decides to trust the new bakery until after they trust some of the bread!
Sell Me Some Trust
Ahh, but we DON’T trust ourselves. That puts a real crimp in the benefits that flow from fully trusting God. What to do? What to DO? Well. Alphas are fixers, remember? We promptly look around to see who or what can FIX this pesky “self-trust thing” for us.
We don’t believe we have to fix it ourselves. We’ve heard gurus tell us it’s an inside job – but hell, we don’t trust them either! We decide that if we can get someone ELSE to declare our car wonderful and assure us that our bread is fabulous, then WE can start believing too.
We Need Love NOW (So Just Give Me Some)
If we can just get someone else to love us, THEN we can love us. More than just Alphas make this logic based mistake. It attempts to rewrite the law as “As without, so within” (crud, it was even hard to TYPE that, it’s so wrong!).
We need that love. We need it now. We are starving for it. Someone needs to trust and love us as soon as possible. We deserve it. We earned it (Yep, gonna talk about earning love in Part 3 too).
Alphas Don’t Trust Others, So We Control Them
So if you are keeping score, Alphas don’t trust ourselves, don’t trust others and though we want to, we don’t really trust God. Since we trust NO ONE, we find it necessary to tell everyone what to do. We make their choices FOR them to try to ensure our own happiness and safety.
Alpha Challenges: Low Trust Breeds High Control
We are controlling and bossy out fear of what other people will choose if we don’t “help them” choose US and our needs.
We are a danger to many relationships (family, employees, clients, friends and lovers) because we demand and fiercely protect OUR choice while at the same time, trying to ensure we are able to guide THEIRS.
It is our failure to trust that leads to our need to control and control always removes choice.
The challenge of an Alpha is to understand that so long as she controls and removes the choice of others, by Universal Law, life will attempt to control and remove HER choice.
This is the eternal struggle we fight. Left uncoached, most Alphas tend to establish semi-benevolent Dictatorships instead of relationships. It is why we are often better at work than at home.
How Alphas Evolved Into Rescuers
It is tiring to always fight for control, so we subconsciously attract those to us who will willingly submit in exchange for our protection. The ego is proud of this toxic and temporary fix. What if someone GAVE UP their choice? What if they LET us have it? Then we aren’t to be blamed. We didn’t TAKE it. Perfect!
Enter Victims and Rescuers. Alphas are Rescuers because we NEED victims – people who do NOT want to exercise any responsibility. They are happy to surrender their responsibility, i.e., CHOICE, to us in exchange for our care. Alphas, if they look closely, often discover many they have called friends are closer to projects, wards and dependents.
We Often Rescue Instead of Love
Oh, this does suck. I discovered during my miscarriage (when I FINALLY needed my best friend) that notwithstanding my 15 year friendship investment, being there for me was too hard for her. It broke my heart to finally admit I was her rescuer more than friend. I’d never stopped to look or I’d have seen it sooner. I enabled her. Alphas are on permanent give and that tends to attract the needy like ants to sugar.
We are protectors, providers, caretakers, masters, rulers and she-who-must-be-obeyed. This, understandably drives off true Alpha men and leaves men who are weaker than us. Men who are often passive-aggressive. They give up their choice but it still pisses them off periodically, so they make us pay for that in small and horribly aggravating ways.
We do not trust that we are worthy of love. Our confidence is not as deep as most believe. Alphas are women afraid that no one really loves us as we are, so much as loves what we can do or give. So, we DO and GIVE.
An Alphas greatest need is choice and her greatest dream is to be choosen, safe and loved as her true self. After years of struggling at this, we are driven us to find the right combination of people to rescue, because we believe these victims “choose us” and are happy to keep doing so.
Sadly, that’s not true. Victims resent rescuers and they are likely right to do so. Why?
Alphas enable victims to stay weak so that we have people guaranteed to not leave us. Consciously? No. But subconsciously? Oh yeah. This our dark, unseemly underbelly.  We make our daughters Alphas and are sons, weaker than us, so they will love us because they always need us.
All this Ick Came from Choice?
Now you know how what we want – choice for ourselves – combines with our lack of trust to lead us to try controlling others’ choices out of fear.
You see we LOVE having choice ourselves, we just don’t really want those AROUND us to have it. Yes. I just said that.
Alphas do not want people in relationships with us to make choices AFTER they choose us, because we do not trust them to choose us again.  Because you don’t trust their choices, you don’t want them to CHOOSE.
You dream of relationships with true equals but fear that too.
You want to love and be loved just as you are Alpha. Your challenge is to allow others to have their choice to love or NOT love you.  Almost all common Alpha problems come from our attempts to control situations or other people to guarantee the love that we don’t trust is coming. (Thanks Mom & Dad!)
Now you know the crime we commit – control. Is our story dark? Maybe. Truth is stranger than fiction they say. I shared it without sugar coating so you can understand your deep wounding and why beneath it all, when you are alone, you don’t like yourself as much as you say.
I have been guilty of all of these sins and I am now an Alpha redeemed, happy, heart based and loving. I have broken my Rescuer cycle. You CAN have a life without struggle, away from control. I am proof and I love helping other Alphas have this too because you are worthy of love.
Next time, Part 3 Alpha Origins and Alpha Self-Sabotage!


Tanya Recommends:


I’m going to give you a way to feel better after reading enough truth to dent any Alpha’s day.
Help someone else, somewhere else. There are Alpha women in parts of the world you are blessed to never have been born into. They are entrepreneurs there too and a little help goes a long way!
Micro Loans let you donate as little as $25 dollars to an entrepreneur (I always pick an Alpha) to fund her loan to start a business or expand. I love to find loans that are ALMOST done and finish them off!
Best part? They repay your money and once it’s back, you go lend the SAME money again. I promise I’ve had the same few hundred dollars in circulation for probably 10 years. They are approaching the milestone of having lent ONE BILLION DOLLARS.




Check a few of your friendships if you are brave. Ones that ended and a current one or two. Are you always giving, arranging, fixing, engineering and protecting? Do they seem to disappear when you have troubles? Do you skip even sharing your real fears?  Don’t do this check if you don’t want to potentially uncover a problem. Our “friendships” are often unequal, unless they are other Alphas.






You cannot have anything you deny another OR yourself. If you deny yourself trust, you can’t receive it from others. Without trust in yourself, you don’t like yourself and tend to question your maker. Thus, disconnected from source and not believing yourself worthy, you fall into the trap of trying to force love.
When you try to control love, you misunderstand it and then cannot receive it, even when it is freely offered.  This is a very dangerous, slippery slope. To reverse it, begin your work with yourself.






Wow Did You Hear?


An Alpha Male Appreciates the Coaching

“I’m from Wisconsin and am a speed nut… 

Thanks for the reply, you got it going on girl, trust me and I see a lot of stuff out on the net.  90% by the way is a lotta get you on the email list, then just sell sell sell with very little in the way of meaningful straight, no sell content people can really use.

You are NOT one of those 90%ers I see by the way. Your emails DO provide meaningful content vs teasers for an upsell so don’t stop. 

Sincerely, love and light 


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[Health] The Diet Tip You’ve Never Heard (that always works)

The Diet Tip You’ve Never Heard (that always works)

Here’s What You Need To Know First –


There is no safe place outside of you,

IF there is no safe place inside of you.



You’ve heard me say it before- as within so without.


One cool thing to notice about truth is that it usually flows both ways.


So, when there is no safe place INSIDE of you-there can also never be a safe place OUTSIDE of you.


I always have my Alphas focused INSIDE for this reason.



How Most Alphas Mess Up Weight Loss

Yes, you can engineer, rig or force the external to “look right” for a little bit but it will always course correct to what you truly believe you deserve based upon the state of your inner being.

That is why I tell my Alphas, if you want to lose weight, you need to love yourself right now.

So if you’re fat, dumpy, frumpy, lumpy and grumpy-you are pretty much going to stay that way until you can muster up some appreciation for your form right NOW.

Hint: This is why 95% of diets fail. They are an external solution to an internal problem.


You don’t love yourself after you lose weight – you start loving yourself now and THEN you’ll start losing weight.

That’s the inside out approach.

Alphas who love themselves after they lose weight have given themselves conditional love, which everybody knows is kind of worthless.

When the only love you can get is kind of worthless, you keep believing that YOU are kind of worthless.

The thing all of the weight-loss gurus do not want you to know is that it mostly doesn’t matter which diet you pick, if you start it from the inside out.

Why do you think there’s a massive profusion of weight loss programs like weight watchers that now offer “group components”? They are trying to give you the love!

They call it support – but the reason that you need all this “extra support” to drink more water, eat less sugar and move a bit more is because you don’t like yourself enough to do it right now.

Pay close attention if you’re having to “bribe yourself” to take better care of your health.
It’s kind of like having to sleep with a guy in order to get him to be nice to you. It pretty much means that you don’t like yourself enough to believe you are worth Quality treatment without payment.

The thing all of the weight-loss gurus do not want you to know is that it mostly doesn’t matter which diet you pick, if you start it from the inside out.

Why do you think there’s a massive profusion of weight loss programs like weight watchers that now offer “group components”? They are trying to give you the love!

They call it support – but the reason that you need all this “extra support” to drink more water, eat less sugar and move a bit more is because you don’t like yourself enough to do it right now.

Pay close attention if you’re having to “bribe yourself” to take better care of your health. It’s kind of like having to sleep with a guy in order to get him to be nice to you. It pretty much means that you don’t like yourself enough to believe you are worth Quality treatment without payment.


If you talk to people who are healthy and at a good weight for a long time – you’ll notice that they don’t use bribes.


They don’t have a “get into the swimsuit”, “get his love” or “get to cheat day” or any other external motive for their health.


They are, quite simply, good to their body because they love themselves and the body that they’re in.




It’s safe INSIDE them, so their body reflects that with a safer OUTSIDE.

Start from where you are while telling yourself the truth about your self-dislike and you’ll be able to change it. If you can’t change it, Dig Me Up, I can.





P.S. When I get too busy, I stop making as much time for myself, which isn’t self-loving. That translates into a messy kitchen -> less cooking -> eating junky food out. 

I’m now VERY mindful of this bad cycle.
 If my kitchen looks unsafe (Outer), it’s reflecting dips in my self-love (Inner) which then show up on my body (Outer) and are fixed by better care of me (Inner). See it? 



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[Audio] Voicemail #10 Tanya Discusses the Origin of Your “Wins”


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Voicemail #10 Tanya Discusses The Origin Of Your “Wins”. 
When you look back, you’ll see some of the most amazing moments in your life were not orchestrated BY you…​​​​​​​










P.S.  Hey, are you missing out on the weekly coaching videos? Stop it! 😉

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Even my SONGBIRDS are Alphas!! I love hearing them in the background. Anyone else have chatty birds?





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[Audio] Voicemail #10 Tanya Discusses The Origin Of Your “Wins” Facebook Twitter LinkedIn