[Relationships] How to Recover From a Violated Boundary – Series #3
Spoiler Alert! The biggest KEY to recovering after your boundaries have been crossed is to focus on YOU and NOT the Needy Person.
“But Tanya, it’s THEIR FAULT!!”
No, it’s not (and by that I mean NO, it’s really not…)
5 Steps to Recover From Your Violated Boundary
Step 1: VENT. Seriously. You gotta get the hurt/shocked/exasperated/angry energy off. I recommend an angry walk. Walk and rant it out. You’ll walk harder and faster and actually ground out the negative energy as you go. Do Not take the black cloud black into your home.
Step 2: BLESS & CLEAR. That head of steam you worked up has to go somewhere. If not, it’s in your couch, drapes and bedroom! Energy is neither created nor destroyed, it just changes form. So… ASK it to change form. You can do whatever you like to bless and or clear the icky feelings from your space (do NOT forget work!).
This is more about your intentions to have love and calm restored to your home than the methods. You can just say “I am ready to move forward and only things and energies full of love are welcome here.” Or use incense, candles, wine or chocolate. You can invite in better energy. You can evict crappy energy or you can celebrate to shoo out the sad cobwebs.
Step 3: BLAME. Yep, I said it. You will want to blame someone anyway, so go ahead. It’s just WHO you blame. Answer? You.
If you have a child in your home and let them eat as much cake and ice cream as they want ALL night and they act like little terrors – no one blames THE KIDS. The person who was supposed to set the boundary is responsible.
You get to be 100% responsible for the breaches to your boundaries.
“Get TO?” Yes. What you control, you can change so you can be happy. If you are powerless to stop people running over your rules and guidelines, you are a sad, blame-y puppy.
Step 4: RESET. Go do something you feel VERY in control of
(you love that) or that makes you happy. Technically, you should detach and let the feelings wash through and not try to DO something, but I know who I am talking to Alpha! I am giving you Plan B. Get away from what triggered you.
Step 5: SET THE DARN BOUNDARIES.
Boundaries Are About Your Relationship with YOU
Why is this all about YOU? Pick below which ones YOU missed or went “soft” on:
- Not setting a boundary?
- Not voicing the boundary?
- Only voicing your boundaries DURING an issue?
- Not monitoring your own emotional reserves (red-lining)?
Not setting or voicing a boundary is often self-worth. You feel not worthy of having one or afraid to ask for what you need. Only voicing needs when you are angry means you don’t trust people to help you, unless coerced. Not trusting others comes from not trusting yourself.
The last one, letting yourself red-line, is the one I was recently guilty of. I have a HUGE capacity to hold other people’s messes. I am moving outside the US, arranging a big trip (see P.S.) AND let myself simultaneously take on 7 different people’s true emergencies. TOO MUCH.
I was red-lining. My “engine” (heart) started to smoke! (Literally, the Check Engine Light came on in my car! You cannot make this stuff up!)
I have shored up my boundaries at a deeper level and my daily miracles are back. 😊
Do NOT underestimate Boundaries. It’s the holidays now (even if you read this later) and people are hurting and hurting people hurt people. If you have trespassers constantly, ask yourself if you have a fence, a sign and a dog. If not, that’s on YOU.
Take control and the Universe will reward you and people respect you.
Complain & blame? You get the same.
(Ok. I may need to trademark that last line! Love RHYMES!)
P.S I’ve had some very intense boundary testing these past few weeks. The area where my boundaries were weakest, was with those who I love the most.
When you are single, you can place anyone you love, ahead of yourself in an emergency, because you alone will pay the price. Now have a mate, I am upleveling. I am reducing my world saving pastimes to better manage how much “me” I give away in an emergency. I am accountable to my mate for my state. (Yes, I liked that rhyme!)
Tanya Stewart is “The Alpha Woman Coach” and began coaching strong women as a Divorce lawyer in her own high conflict law firm 20 years ago. She understands how Alpha women are wired and using her Master’s level Metaphysics background and Advanced Clinical Certification in Hypnotherapy, she brings rapid change to people she works with.
She is a speaker, published author and Mensa member whose coaching is recommended by the World-Famous Motivator, Les Brown, Best-Selling Love Coach Greg Baer and International Change Expert, Dr. Eldon Taylor. She can teach you to separate struggle from success.
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